Tired Of Not Getting Your Needs Met? Do These 7 Things

You only get what you ask for.

Having your needs met in a relationship takes open and honest communication, clarity, mutual respect and understanding, and consistent conscious effort given by both partners.

Understanding this is the first step towards getting your needs met (and of course, working to meet your partner’s as well), because you begin to understand that, at least part of it, is under your control.

How, then, can you ensure that your needs get met, either in the relationship you’re in today, or the next one you’ll create for yourself?

Let’s discuss some actionable steps:

1: Define and understand what your needs actually are.

“James, I already know what I want in a relationship!”

This is an unidentified sticking point for a lot of people. I take my private clients through a helpful exercise of identifying their wants and their needs. Here’s an example:

“I want my partner to listen to me more.”

Alright, great! That’s a good thing to want — but why do you want it?

You need to feel heard. You need to feel valued. You need to feel understood…and you want them to listen to you so you can fill those deeper needs.

“I want my partner to stop spending so much time scrolling on their phone.”

Great — what’s the deeper need?

You need to feel connected with your partner. You need more attention from them. You need quality time because it’s how you feel love.

So, you want them to get off of their phone because it will result in a better chance of those needs getting met.

I believe that most people confuse their wants for their needs, which is a big reason why the needs so often don’t get met.

They’ll focus on the surface-level “want,” which they’ll get, but still not feel like it’s enough. This is because the deeper-rooted need hasn’t been identified, and therefore cannot be communicated to one’s partner.

If you don’t know what it is that you really need, you’ll stand no chance of actually getting it.

2: Drop any shame or guilt around your needs.

“James, I’m nervous telling my partner what I need because I think they’ll judge me.”

I find that, if we’re really being honest with ourselves, fear of judgment from others stems from judgment that we’re levying upon ourselves.

In other words — you’re already insecure about what you need and are highly unlikely to express it to another person because of the feelings you hold around it.

As long as your needs aren’t harmful, or dangerous, or hurtful to others — there needs to be a process of acceptance that you go through around understanding that what you need is natural, and you deserve to receive it.

This is why a foundation of trust and open communication is imperative in any intimate relationship, because both partners must feel comfortable revealing the most intimate parts of themselves to each other. This, of course, goes for physical, mental, emotional, spiritual, and otherwise…

Only when we can fully reveal ourselves to each other, are we empowered to see and understand each other.

Only when we understand each other, can we give each other what we need.

Full trust must be mutual. It must be earned, it must be maintained, and it also must be given when it is earned. The truth is, though, you’ll never trust that another person fully accepts you if you haven’t yet learned to fully accept yourself.

3: Use “I feel” language to communicate.

Expressing your needs can be a tricky venture because, essentially, you’re telling someone that they’re not already “filling your cup” so to speak.

Now, of course, this is just part of learning about someone in a relationship. None of us are mind-readers and can automatically know what another person — particularly one we’ve just recently met — needs in order to feel loved, respected, and desired.

The communication of these needs, then, becomes paramount.

Many people default to language that can feel accusatory, even if it’s not meant as such.

An example would be:

“You never make time for me, so I don’t feel like you care about me!”

Immediately, your partner is put on the defensive. You’re telling them that they never do something, or making a comment about their character, or efforts (or lack thereof), or levying a general criticism in their direction.

They may not even hear the second part of your sentence, which in effect, is the only part you really need for them to hear.

Conversely, rephrasing the feeling into something like this can be better received:

“I feel like I’m not a priority to you because you’re always so busy with other things.”

This sends a much different message. Off the bat, your partner is hearing how you feel. In this scenario, it’s that you’re feeling hurt and neglected, which is never something someone who actually cares about you would want to hear.

Following it up is the reason why you’re feeling this way. It’s not an accusatory tone, but an explanatory one.

This opens up space for a far healthier and more productive dialogue, and gives your partner a chance to reflect on what’s being said and work with you on how to improve.

If you can both commit to this level of communication when something is bothering you, you’ll have a much healthier and more productive method of conflict resolution than most others do.

4: Ask yourself if your needs are realistic.

“James, you just said that I deserve everything that I want!”

I am the first person to tell people that they need to raise their standards — but I’m also the first person to tell people to make sure their standards are actually reasonable.

I’ve heard criteria in the past, both from readers and from clients, that read a lot more like a list of demands in a hostage situation than a set of needs in a romantic relationship.

It’s one thing to have emotional and intimate needs, and it’s a whole other thing to create a fairy-tale in your mind that is nearly impossible for any mortal human to exemplify.

Sometimes there’s a deeper meaning behind setting the bar too high for mere mortals to reach — fear of rejection, for one. Lack of self-worth, for another.

How could a lack of self worth lead to unrealistically high standards, you ask?

If a person doesn’t truly and honestly believe that they deserve love or happiness, they’re going to subconsciously sabotage their path to getting it. They may push people away, or set the bar too high, so they can throw their hands up and say “See?! I told you it’d never work out!” when the next person falls short…again.

You’re human, and everyone you’ll ever date is human — make sure that the needs you’re looking to have met are actually, well, meet-able.

5: Feel and express gratitude when your needs ARE met.

Relationships are a privilege. Monogamous commitment to another person is perhaps the greatest gift we could possibly give. It’s a conscious choice that we must wake up and make every single day. It requires us to put another’s happiness on the same level of our own…and sometimes, ahead of it.

Nobody is obligated to be in a relationship with you, and the choice should never be taken for granted.

We often find that when people feel valued, they’ll do more of whatever is prompting your gratitude.

If a partner steps up to the plate and puts in the effort to meet the needs you’ve expressed (as they should), make sure they truly understand the deep sense of appreciation that you have for them and their actions.

They don’t need to be giving you this gift, they’re choosing to do so…which means they can choose to stop if they don’t feel like you notice or care.

6: Give in return (or sometimes, first).

We all know that (healthy) relationships are a two-way street, and sometimes the best way to get your needs met is to show your partner that you’re willing to meet theirs, as well.

Obviously, the point is not to be transactional. It’s not an: “If you do this for me, I’ll do this for you” type of scenario — though, mutual reciprocation and effort is the desired outcome.

If a partner is hesitant to fully invest, or risk getting hurt, or is having a hard time trusting again after a past betrayal or pain…they may need for you to show them that they’re in a safe place and can feel comfortable opening up again.

Let me be clear: In no way am I telling you to put too much emotional investment into a relationship that isn’t ready to be formed yet. If a person is incapable of trusting you, or isn’t ready for love, or is too guarded to form a real bond — then you’re likely wasting your time and energy trying to love them in “the right way” to help them see the light.

People are ready for what they’re ready for in their own time — but, if your open and honest communication has showed you that you stepping up to the plate first will have them following suit, then maybe all they need is for you to lead the way before they dive in.

7: Ask.

The simplest and most effective way for you to get what you want (in any area of life) is to just…ask for it.

Most people flailing about wondering why their partner isn’t meeting their needs have probably never just come out and expressed these needs.

As we mentioned before, nobody is psychic. They can’t read your mind. Hell, they may not even be able to read your signals.

If you can help your partner understand your nuances, your cues, your wants, needs, desires, fantasies, fears, dreams, past traumas, visions for the future…then they can pick up that ball and run with it. They can keep their eyes open and observe what you need in the moment. They can anticipate and predict the best ways to treat you, approach you, and respond to you.

But, just like anything else in life, we must be taught in order to learn.

If you’re both willing to put in the work, the time, the effort, and the trust into figuring out what your true needs are, and then communicating them to each other…you can (and will) create a fulfilling and unbreakable relationship on a foundation of mutual understanding and love.

My private clients find themselves living more confident, purposeful lives and cultivating healthier relationships with those around them. Click here to book a free call to see if we’re a fit to work together.

James Michael Sama is an internationally recognized speaker, author, and personal development coach.

Finding success in creating hundreds of viral articles and videos on building limitless confidence and healthier relationships, James has accumulated over 39 million visitors to his website and a collective social media following of over 400,000.

James speaks at live events and in the media across the U.S. and has become a go-to expert with outlets such as CNN, Bravo, The New York Post, The Huffington Post, The Daily Beast, CNBC, The Boston Globe, CBS, and more.