Tips and Tricks For Becoming A Mafioso
When I was nine years old my father, a great man, played me ‘The Godfather’ while Mother was at her sister's house. He told me bluntly during the opening credits that if I were to gain his respect I needed to “be like those guys.” So I did what any nine-year-old would do watching an R-rated film; I took notes.
Years later I found those notes on my bedside. I must have studied them every night. They were scribbled, highlighted, underlined. It looked like something out of Revenge of the Nerds. At nine-years-old, I was practically a college-level athlete when it came to stationary equipment.
Because I like you — I am going to share with you what I wrote that day. Not even the Walhbergs knew about notes at my age. Mark always acts tough in the movies but if you show him notes written by a nine-year-old he would freak out.
What I want you to do is take out a pen and paper. If you want to become a Mafioso like me, you’ll need to know a few things.
- Study Martin Scorsese films. Algebra, world history, table tennis. That stuff is for chumps. I recommend Goodfellas.
- Declare a place in your house as a sanctuary. Only your closet friends can be in that room. NO CHILDREN ALLOWED.
- Love your family, unconditionally. You already should do this. But be more upfront about it.
- Think about writing a movie with fast cars and characters that love their family.
- Don’t ever take no for an answer.
- Have a collection of polo shirts.
- make sure whatever room you're in the lights are dim. This saves electricity and makes everyone, including yourself, look more threatening.
- resurrect Marlon Brando.
I hope you took good notes. If you do all that you’ll be a Mafioso in no time.
