TECHNOLOGICAL HUMOR

Time Travel Features on New, Cutting-Edge 5G Phone

A cell phone transported me back to 1995

My old cell phone went everywhere with me. Swift and reliable, it quickly became my best friend. I named the phone “Sam.” Sam grafted to my body like an extra appendage. If I needed to shoot off a quick text, scribble down a first draft, or take a dreaded Zoom call, my sleek, purple Sam came to the rescue.

And then, the unthinkable occurred. Sam’s back, strapped in hardcore armor, shattered. Gone were the seamless texts and kick-ass selfies of yesterday.

Our relationship came to an abrupt end. I’m not gonna lie — I cried. I wept for the phenomenal times Sam and I shared. I wept for our inability to recapture them. But I didn’t stay lonely for long.

My phone company — Crawl — offered me a new, sleek phone. “Chad” had all the bells and whistles Sam lacked. And although Chad’s retail value stood at approximately $457,392.87, Crawl offered his services for free!

Sure, Chad waved his red flags as soon as we left the Crawl store. He asked if I had any Axe Body Spray he could borrow, and mentioned his love for Affliction outerwear. He kept creeping under the baseball cap on the passenger’s seat and wearing it backwards.

I’d placed Chad on the couch and left the room, waiting for him to connect to the interwebs — surely these were first day kinks. Each time I returned to discover a Jersey Shore marathon mysteriously blasting from my TV.

Engaging with my new lease on cell phone life, I discovered Chad came with an unlimited data mobile hotspot. I could save even more money by discontinuing my internet service and just utilizing the hotspot! And so, I cut ties with my internet company. Chad promised he’d take care of my Zoom, webinar, and streaming needs.

One night, as I charged Chad before bedtime, a web browser, opened to a page on time travel flooded his screen. “Huh,” I puzzled. “I guess I must have turned the screen lock off.” But I only fooled myself. How could an arbitrary webpage open up? I hadn’t watched Back to the Future or Donnie Darko in years, and admittedly, those films are the only sparks to my time travel curiosity.

I put Chad back on the little pillow I’d made him on my nightstand, crawled into bed, and turned out the light. I never could have guessed I’d wake up in 1995 the next morning.

We’re going back in time

At 6:30 a.m., my automatic music alarm blared in my ears. “Come Down” by Bush wailed angsty, grunge-wannabe notes through the still dark corners of my room. “Bush? There’s a blast from the past!” I laughed, rubbing the sleep from my eyes.

I grabbed Chad and opened his email application. 47 new emails — surely one would prove vital in a sea of spam! I clicked on the first, and a weird blue line appeared with a note that read “loading.” What fresh hell greeted me?

“Loading”? I peered down at the screen. A second message, “No internet connection,” appeared. And an awful, ear-piercing screech emitted from Chad’s speakers. “Is that — is that the AOL dial-up noise?” I screamed.

I ran to my closet and swung open the door. A large basket of scrunchies sat on my shelf. My clothes had been replaced by two rows of drab flannels, sorted by color. I tore through the hangers and discovered a poster of “Jordan Catalano” — otherwise known as a pre-jerkface Jared Leto from the original My So-Called Life. Please excuse my choice of letters, but what the f?

My chest seized and I broke out into an icy sweat. I ran back to my bed to ground myself. Looking up, I saw a Pearl Jam calendar hanging on my wall. I recognized the calendar as one I’d purchased when I was in high school.

“No, no, no,” I cried, squeezing my eyes shut. Taking a deep breath, I reached again for Chad. “What have you done?” I screamed at my bro phone. Flashbacks of my horrible fashion and dating choices of youth flooded my mind. And then I called 611 — the number for tech support.

The Crawl support member confirmed I had, indeed, traveled back in time — to 1995. He said he could fix it remotely, kept me on hold for 978 minutes, and then told me to try restarting my phone. I begged Crawl to bring me back.

The tech specialist told me he’d write up a ticket for customer support, but my return could take anywhere from 35-9,700 minutes.

Back to the Future

When I restarted Chad, the room began to spin. I watched the Pearl Jam calendar fall away. I staggered to my closest — colorful outfits awaited me with nary a flannel in sight. A shelf full of dystopian pandemic face masks shined as a beacon of hope.

I hugged the clothes in relief. Had I dreamed the whole ordeal? ‘Only one way to find out. Dripping sweat, I grabbed Chad. I clicked on email, and saw a message from Crawl:

Please rate your experience in 1995 with us! Thank you for being a loyal customer.

‘Turns out my connectivity issues were only Chad’s way of urging me to use the time travel feature. Yes, I think Chad and I have a wonderful future together. My new, cutting edge 5G phone can travel back in time.