Time Flies When You’re Asleep

How To Wake Up & Live Longer

May 22nd, 2020

“Shock is a cold hand on my shoulder, a complete standstill in my brain and chest and veins.” — Christina Lauren

“What’s up bro? Call me when you get a chance”, reads a text my brother sends me late at night.

“Oh god” I thought.

This isn’t good. We don’t talk often. It’s my fault. I’m not the best communicator. But he only texts me when something’s wrong.

The last two times I’ve talked to him have been about how depressed he was after fighting with his girlfriend.

“Call your brother”, reads a text my mom sends me minutes after my brothers.

I didn’t reply to him because I was sitting on my bed writing. I call.

“You’re going to be an uncle!” he exclaims in a seventy-five percent excited, twenty-five percent scared tone.

“You’re gonna keep it?” I thought.

He’s in no place to be having a kid. He barely works as a bartender, and my mom still lives with him. But he was excited — or so it seemed — so I kept my comments to myself. This was hard because the inner life coach in me and the love I have for him wants me to see him do well.

Then it hit me.

I’m going to be an uncle.

My heart felt warm for the first time in a while. Tears started to well-up. I held them back and continued the conversation.

We reminisced about the good times we had. I’m older only by a year and a half, so we did everything together. We were on the same baseball and basketball teams. We had the same friends. We shared the same room for seventeen years.

As the elder, I used to practice WWE moves on him and always had to be “first player” when playing video games. We would play video games all day and night.

In middle school, we broke our grandparents’ front door and lied about it so we wouldn’t get in trouble. Our grandpa is a veteran and would yell like a lieutenant yelling at his soldiers whenever we got in trouble.

During silence between a story we were sharing, I randomly felt this urge to get off the phone with him. I can tell he still wanted to talk, but I felt like I needed to get off the phone so I could process everything.

I hang up and fall back on my bed, my head lying between my iPad and journal. I place my phone to the right of me next to the journal. I interlace my fingers and put them on my stomach.

“My childhood is over. Becoming an uncle is a milestone adults experience”, I think as my breath elevates my hands on my stomach.

I know that sounds crazy because I’m 28–29 in August — but it felt so real.

My life has pretty much been the same since I was in elementary school: school, basketball, gym, hang out with friends, the occasional fling. The only thing that’s changed is work and paying bills.

Before I continued writing that night, I tried to remember as much as I could from my childhood to now. Like a dream, everything was a blur. I remember the highs and lows, but everything in between — forgotten.

Lost, Scared, Confused: My Teens and Twenties

15 years jumbled into one long paragraph:

In high school, didn’t go to a single football game. Or party. Didn’t kiss a girl. Or get my license. In college, got my license but was pissed because I didn’t have a car. Rode the bus for five hours a day. Sucked with girls, so I read and watched everything I could. So much so I flunked out of college. Obsessed about my hair and body. Developed an eating disorder. Obsessed about my body some more. Finally lost my virginity. Got my first girlfriend. Got fired from Starbucks and broke up with my girlfriend in the same week. The relationship lasted three months. Was an anxious mess the whole time. Thought the breakup was my fault, so I felt guilty as sh** and continued to read and watch videos. Dropped out of college. Got an internship at my dream job. Hated it. Quit. Continued to struggle with an eating disorder. Got my real estate license. Hated it. Quit. Watched Gary Vaynerchuk for months. Started a Youtube channel and Instagram. Too insecure. Quit. Went back to school. Started a weird on-again-off-again relationship with a coworker that lasted a year. Like my first girlfriend, overanalyzed everything. She was all I thought about for a year. While driving to school. While in class. While watching tv. While at work. While reading Medium articles. That ended last month.

Now I’m going to be an uncle.

Wake Up: How To Slow TIme Down

“If I lack awareness, then why should I care what happens to me when I am dead.” — Diogenens

I mediate. I do yoga. I’ve read 50+ self-help books. I’m going to school to be a therapist. I know how to “let go” and become “present”.

I know how to do the dishes without absolutely hating it. I know how to stop yelling at my computer when I’m doing online homework. I know how to feel the water hit my skin when I’m taking a shower.

With that said, I still have to work on this whole being present to the moment thing because I’ve wasted a lot of time on bullsh**. The conversation with my brother woke me up from a fifteen-year dream.

Time flies when you’re asleep because you’re unconscious. Eight hours seem like minutes. But most of us sleep while we’re awake.

Milestones like birthdays, graduations, engagements, childbirth, etc., wake you up, and you realize how much time has passed and how little of it you have left. This can either scare or motivate you.

To slow time down, we have to make presence and peace of mind our purpose. We have to enjoy the moment for what it is — good or bad — because it will pass and before you know it, you’re an uncle.

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