Summary

The author describes their journey of coping and thriving after a sudden breakup, despite the emotional pain and previous life challenges.

Abstract

The author recounts the unexpected end of a significant relationship, detailing their initial shock and the subsequent days where they managed to fulfill their responsibilities, excel academically, and eventually find solace and strength in writing. Despite the heartache, the author reflects on their ability to remain functional and even happy, questioning whether this is a sign of resilience. They acknowledge the growth and self-discovery that has come from past struggles and express a newfound sense of wholeness and self-acceptance, even amidst the grief of the breakup.

Opinions

The author believes that their ability to continue functioning and excelling in life after the breakup is a form of resilience.
They suggest that previous experiences of pain and struggle have contributed to their current strength and ability to cope.
The act of writing is seen as a therapeutic tool for self-discovery and processing emotions.
The author feels that their identity and sense of self are not solely dependent on their relationship, as they have found happiness and fulfillment through personal growth and self-care.
They recognize that while the breakup was painful, it did not diminish their sense of self-worth or capability.
The author values personal growth and self-reflection as evidenced by their existential inquiries and the celebration of their personal development.
They express that it is possible to feel both sadness from loss and happiness from personal achievement simultaneously.

Thriving Through Breakup

Is this resilience?

Two weeks ago the greatest love of my life, the man I thought I wanted to grow old with after two divorces, walked out of my life.

No warning, no talk, just up and out.

I took the next day off work. I did laundry and folded all his clothes for what would be the last time. It sucked, but as I had school and kids that weekend, I really didn’t have the luxury of falling apart. I could break down only after the weekend I told myself.

I sat outside in my pajamas the rest of the day and stared at the sky. I didn’t cry or call anyone or even think. I was too shocked to think, too confused, too baffled. I just stared and self-cared until my children returned from their dad’s later that afternoon.

I got through the weekend without telling them a word. They loved him too and I wasn’t prepared to deal with their emotions just yet when I hadn’t even sorted through my own.

I had two finals that weekend, Child & Adolescent Psychopathology and Advanced Counseling Skills. I managed to get through them. Correction: I crushed them and got near perfect scores, despite circumstances and despite heartache.

Is this resilience I thought?

I’ve been through tough things before; two divorces, sexual assault, marathons, a few degrees, a PhD, but love like this I had never experienced and heartache like this I had never felt. How could I be kicking ass in life during such a difficult time?

The weekend came and went and the kids returned to their dad’s.

I fully expected to fall apart. I didn’t.

I even crushed it at work, exceeding my goals on an important deadline. I decided to start writing again, something I had done for years, typically in sadness and in private. I signed up for Medium. I decided it was time to give my words wings. I pulled out my old books on love and transparency and human potential and I felt myself come alive again. During such a painful time emotionally, how could I feel so alive?

The more I wrote the more high on life I felt and dare I even say happy. But why? Was this resilience?

You see, I come to know myself through my writing. I uncover and discover new strengths both through the experience of pain and struggle as well as through the excavation process of bringing them forth through my writing.

This breakup certainly broke my heart yet it did not break me.

Every breakup or job loss or ending I’ve had to date had always broken me, broken my spirit, devastated me to a half functional state, and driven me to existential inquiry; who am I, what is my place in the world, what is my purpose? But not this one. Why? How could something so sudden and so painful not break me? Could it be that all my previous painful experiences and my willingness to feel my way through them, to truly endure and grow from these challenges (versus run, avoid or hide), had finally strengthened me?

Was this resilience?

I still have tough moments where I find myself aching for him and mornings and nights alone in my bed are particularly tough, but as with all moments and all feelings…they pass. And what is left behind is me, and I like me, (finally!) and I celebrate the growth that has led me here.

I am sad but not broken. I am whole. I am complete. I am enough.

I am stronger and more sure of who I am than I have ever been and as such I am still standing, to my own surprise. I’ve traded evenings curled up watching TV with my love for time spent feeding my soul through reading, research, and writing. I find myself happy and thriving all while grieving and missing both him and us; happy and thriving despite challenging circumstances.

I guess this is resilience.