Three Ways to be Authentic in Your Grief or Pain
And why you need to stop saying that you’re okay.
The days get crossed off in my mind like some people cross off a date on a calendar. February 11th, the day two of my dogs passed away many years apart, April 18th — when a brother-in-law took his life on his birthday, June 15th — the day my mom died of ovarian cancer when I was 32, September 15th — the day my dad died of lung cancer when I was 27.
And then there is June 28th. This day is the hardest. It’s the day my sister/soulmate was killed in a domestic violence incident by her estranged husband.
If it seems that these all piled on in quick succession, they didn’t. It doesn’t mean that grief can’t ebb and flow through the course of your life like water on a beach. How we move forward through the loss is how the loved ones live on in us.
Each year, when I look at the days going by on the calendar, I take a moment to think of happy thoughts regarding each loved one. I remember that by being authentic in my grief, I am serving both the memory of the person who passed and the people who survive them. And the countless people we help every day with our witness to lives lived. Honoring the dead makes me feel alive.
Here are three ways I’ve learned to walk through the tough days that inevitably come when you have lost someone who means so much to you.
First — remember their smile, their voice, and the way they moved.
When my sister’s face pops into my head, I see her smile. It feels clichéd, but she had a smile that lit up a room. A big, beautiful smile that made her eyes sparkle. That drew you into her world. Her face when she’d get excited about seeing a dog on the street, or listening to a child laugh, or reading a book that she fell in love with — they all made her so happy.
Find that one thing your loved one expressed that feels real — that takes you back to a particular event, day, or succession of days with them. These memories will help you when you feel alone when you experience the pain that will come. And it will come. As time moves on, it may be more sporadic, but you honor them with your grief when you care for others in the world.
Life is all about the movement back and forth of energy. So let the low point — and grief energy — come. Remembering the good times you shared will balance happy thoughts with sad ones.
My dad has been gone for 29 years. It seems like forever, yet also just like yesterday. I can feel his strong arms wrap around me when I rushed into them, needing to know that everything would be alright. I’d hear his booming baritone laugh or tell stories on the back deck with the twilight sky bringing the blue out in his eyes.
When my mom visits my heart, I hear her sing. I was blessed with my love of music and singing from her. She and I would harmonize while cooking and dancing around the kitchen, listening to fifties albums. My mother taught me how to be gracious and grace-filled, both loving and compassionate. And I still see her and my father slow-dance in my dreams.
When you love, you are more human. So be love in the world. Be a light to others as they walk their grief paths. Remember how you were part of their lives and you theirs. It’s a gift to be connected.
Second — take stock of your grief and see if it is something you can use to help you move forward.
When I was a little girl, I realized early on that life is a circle. My parents grew up in the country and had a life-view that encompassed both faith and fatalism.
Everything dies. But we still live on in this world.
And I recognize that simple fact is what has moved me forward in my lifelong grief journeys.
We will always miss those who are gone. Yet, when people physically leave us — either through death or the death of a relationship/moving on in their lives, I know that we as humans must find a way to move forward.
We must move on. Because what is the alternative? Dying with them. Really? Though part of you may want to do that early on in the grieving process, it’s also unrealistic.
Something I always think of when I think that life is too complex is this. My family doesn’t do (fill in the blank). But, for some reason, my dad was always big on reminding my sisters and me just how strong we are. Mentally, emotionally — even physically at times. And strength can take many forms.
Please find a way to help others in their grief, for instance. Take the road less traveled by being someone who sits with others in their suffering — not to share your stories, but to be there and listen to theirs. As someone who has lost many, I can tell you that just having someone listen to you tell stories is a godsend. It’s a reminder that we are all connected. We all belong to each other.
Third — be authentic in everything you do.
The best way to see reality is to be authentic. When you are looking for ways to move down your path without a loved one, there is nothing like honesty — sometimes brutal — that helps you focus back on the essential things in your life.
We each have various ways of living our lives as fully as we can. Some love cities with all of their bustle and constant surges of energy. Others love rural areas where you can be alone for long periods. Yet more people choose neighborhoods in suburbia to cling to their dreams and memories and build a life.
All ways of living are valid. All are authentic to the person living them — but only if they choose a genuine way of expressing themselves.
In our sadness of losing a lover, a job, or, more seriously, a loved one or pet, we walk a journey of grief unlike anyone else’s. We learn to be honest in our pain only when we allow ourselves to see the fuller picture of the life lost.
When allowing yourself to stop and let the grief in, you are giving yourself a gift. Yes, I said a gift. It may not feel like one but trust me in this.
We are gifted with the ability to share space in this world with another by loving someone. It’s indeed a gift to feel love. Loss is just another side of love. When you feel a loss, it means you’ve felt strong emotions for a person or situation. That is healthy.
Manufacturing feelings or repressing them are not doing yourself or your loved one justice. Likewise, being inauthentic serves no one.
Take steps to heal.
While we all have felt losses in our lives, the loss itself isn’t the end of the relationship.
I still talk to my loved ones. And can hear my parent’s voices 25+ years after they’ve left this plane. So let yourself feel sad, down, angry, confused. These are natural emotions. As accurate as when you feel happy to remember a song they loved or smell something that was their scent. They are always with you.
And as long as you push down the emotions of grief, the longer it takes to heal and grow from the experience.
Realizing that grief is a lifelong process helps people understand that it’s okay to move on in their lives. That is, having thoughts about your loss doesn’t mean you aren’t healing. Everyone will go through this process in their lives. However, it’s how you adjust to and move forward through your grief that shows not only your strength of will but your character as you lean into a new tomorrow.
Let yourself feel all the emotions when you remember your loved one. Then, think of how you can move past the grief — or live with it as part of you. And be authentic in your healing.
Take a deep breath and know that you aren’t alone.