3 Types of Men I Won’t Date in My 40s

I’m not actively dating. I went off dating apps months ago, and I simply don’t have the time and energy to devote to dating. I do meet people when I go out, and plenty of men show interest in me. But now that I’m in my 40s and have a child, what I’ll tolerate from those who appear to be interested is at an all-time low.

Here are three types of people I’ve learned to stay away from when dating.

1. The ones who are pushy/persistent

I’ve seen multiple rom-coms where the woman is closed-off and skeptical about dating, but a man comes along intent on changing her mind. He pulls out all the stops and won’t give up until she gives in. Years ago, I thought this was romantic. Now I want to scream “just leave her alone!”

There’s a group of younger guys who frequent the same bar I do. One of them is my close family friends’ cousin, so when he found me on Facebook, I immediately accepted his friend request. Often, he would message me to find out what I was doing or if I was going out.

He would tell me he could bring over a bottle to hang out at my place (he doesn’t know where I live) or ask to meet up. I repeatedly told him I wasn’t interested. Instead of being deterred, he would reply with things like Are you surrrrrrre you don’t wanna hang out together sometime? or I can totally keep you company. I ran out of ways to say no to this guy, so I blocked him.

Last summer, I had an even worse experience when I went on two dates with a pilot in the Air Force. He was so sure of himself and of us.

He talked about cooking together in his kitchen, flying me to my camp in the 1000 Islands for the 4th of July, and even mentioned being stepfather to my son. Despite the fact he seemed to be moving too quickly, he was motivated and enthusiastic about his hobbies and his job, so I agreed to see him again. This time, I invited him to meet a couple of my friends at trivia so I could get their take.

He lived in a large A-frame house on the river. After trivia, we went back there and drank wine by a fire. Later that night, he became persistent. Physically, he wanted more than I was willing to give, and when I turned him down, he told me I was being unfair.

Still, he texted me the next day about flying up to the 1000 Islands. I turned him down. You want more physically and emotionally than I’m ready to give, I wrote. His response started with oh bless your heart and ended with that’s fine.

A few weeks ago, one of the friends who had met him at trivia sent me a news story. He had been arrested for assault after a 15-month investigation, which began months before our first date. Apparently, he drugged a woman, causing her to miscarry.

His pushiness had sounded an alarm in my mind, and my instincts proved correct.

2. The ones who are inconsistent

In my 30s, dating often felt cyclical. I would be at different stages of dating with different people, and we would go round and round until one of us got off the ride for good. I no longer have the energy for this type of inconsistency.

A few months ago, I met a guy while sitting at my favorite bar. We chatted, laughed, exchanged numbers. He seemed really interested, and we talked about meeting up again. Then, he disappeared. Weeks later, he sent me video on Instagram of nice scenery and water with no explanation. Confused, I asked where he was. He told me he was at his apartment and that I should come see it sometime.

He acted as though no time had gone by — like we had been chatting the day before. I didn’t respond. I knew this was the first step in the cycle. He would ask me out again, then flake, then crop up a few weeks later. That’s exactly what happened.

I don’t want to be a part of that cycle, so I stopped engaging.

3. The ones who send mixed signals

In my 30s I dated plenty of men whose actions didn’t match their words. A decade later, I hoped that wouldn’t be such an issue. Unfortunately, that’s one thing that seems to have gotten worse over the years.

Last spring, I met a guy through mutual friends. We hit it off right away and exchanged numbers. He began texting me a couple days later, and we went out for chips and salsa and margaritas. For months, we texted nearly all day every day.

What I liked most about him was that he was a good conversationalist. Whenever I went to his house, we would talk for hours. But he never asked me out. We went out a couple of times, but that was because I asked him.

While he was in Vegas for a bachelor party, I heard from him nearly every day. Toward the end of his trip, he asked if I wanted to go to his favorite Mexican restaurant for dinner the day after he got back. He’s finally asking me out, I thought.

The day he got back, I didn’t hear from him. The next morning, I waited to find out when we would be going to dinner. By 3pm, I gave up and started watching the fourth season of Stranger Things. Finally, I texted him to see if he made it back okay and how he was feeling. He acted as though he’d never asked me to go to dinner. When I told him I’d started Stranger Things and the first episode was excellent so far, he started watching it too.

I kept wondering why he wouldn’t ask me to go over there or to come to my place so we could watch in-person together. That’s when I realized despite the fact he regularly asked me questions and engaged in real conversation, he wasn’t interested in actually dating me.

I wouldn’t have tried with him for so long if he wasn’t so engaging, but when I sent one final text — a short video of me trying beer in Germany — and he simply replied with “Lol,” I never responded. There was nothing left to say.

Concluding Thoughts

Now that I’m in my 40s, my standards have increased while my tolerance has decreased. I don’t need to date. I don’t feel like anything is missing in my life. If I met someone great, I would be open to a relationship, but I like being single. And that puts me in a position of power.