3 Things To Try When Your Kids’ Begging Sounds Like A Broken Record
…and your frustration with them is making things worse.
“Mom, can we get candy?” “Mom, can we get these shoes?” “…these jeans?” “…this app?” “…those earrings?” “…more hair products?”
AAAA! Some days I want to spray my kids with a firehose to drown out the constant begging.
In the not-so-distant past, my 12-year-old twins were getting BAD about this. Sometimes, I swear — begging was ALL I’d hear coming out of their mouths.
And I’m not proud to say, I got to the point recently that I wasn’t even listening to the end of the sentence anymore.
I’d hear, “Mom, can we get…” and I’d cut them off immediately, usually with, “Oh my gosh! That’s all I ever hear from you two — gimme this and gimme that! You know I can’t be spending money on all this junk every time we’re at the store! We’ve got bills and other stuff to save for, and y’all are just like a broken record! You make ME feel like a broken record telling you no, but you just keep asking and asking and asking anyway! …And furthermore…”
“Blah, blah, blah,” is all they were hearing, I’m pretty sure.
So… during the peak of this broken-record era, we were driving to the grocery store…and wouldn’t ya know, they started in again.
“Mom, can we get…” So of course, my reaction was to push play on the Mom lecture.
But, for some reason, this time my heart told me to slow down and listen to the rest of my daughter’s sentence — before I launched full-on into my rant.
And thank God I did that because what I heard stopped me dead.
“Wait — what did you say?”
Hesitantly, (I’m sure because she was afraid I’d bite her head off), my daughter repeated, “Can we get… some candy… for my friend who’s having a hard time right now?”
Stunned silence from me — for a change.
When I recovered, I probably should have just said: “Yes, let’s do it!” But I think my response actually went something like this -
Me — “Who?” (Inner mom-ologue — UGH! Who cares who!? Your daughter is thinking about others!)
My Daughter — “A girl from my old school.”
Me — “Oh. What’s her name?” (Inner mom-ologue — UGH! Who cares what her name is! Your daughter has empathy for another human being right now and wants to make her feel happy!)
My Daughter — (Told me her name.)
Me — “I’ve never heard of her before.”(Inner mom-ologue — UGH! Who cares if she’s a stranger! Just stop it! Encourage your child’s generous spirit!)
And luckily, at this point in the conversation, my inner mom-ologue got loud enough that I actually started to hear it — and I acted on it.
Me — “Well… What do you think about heading to the dollar store to see what they’ve got?” (Inner mom-ologue — Now was that so hard?)
So, off to the dollar store we went. And while we were shopping, I stopped talking AT my daughter and tried asking questions.
Me — “What made you want to do this for your friend?”
My Daughter — “She’s just really sad and has stuff going on and then also broke her ankle and I know this will make her feel better.”
Me — “What do you think you want to get?”
My Daughter — “I was hoping you would say yes, but I knew you might say no… so I was going to find another way to get the money no matter what. I already asked her what her favourite candy is. She told me her top three favourites. I’m looking for Twix, Caramel M&Ms and Swedish Fish….”
We packaged that candy up and went to the post office to mail it off to a girl in another state, whom I’d never met, and will probably never meet. And it felt GREAT!
It felt great to me — because I had a winning mom moment, and to my daughter — because she got to do something special for someone else. And not one time during the dollar store excursion, did she ask me to buy something for her.
What made me follow my inner mom-ologue, ask questions and listen that day?
I honestly don’t know. Maybe I was worn down from all the frustration I was feeling; maybe my guardian angel was whispering in my ear; maybe I was just too tired to put up a fight.
Whatever the reason, I’m thankful for it. Because I was able to watch my daughter blossom into the caring (and not at all self-absorbed) person I always knew she was. In fact, the whole experience taught me that I needed to be more open to hidden opportunities — to encourage my daughter to bring out her caring, giving, thoughtful and nurturing self.
Three Things to Try
Three things happened that day that contributed to my “mom win”:
- First, I listened. I mean really listened — to understand and not just to respond. The lecture I’ve got on deck might be glorious — with excellent and highly valid points. But if I’m being realistic, my kids aren’t listening to the finer points anyway. All it takes for me is a deep breath to keep that lecture at bay, and more often than not (hopefully!) there will be a teachable moment hidden in there. Bonus — listening often lets me see a side of my kids that takes my breath away.
- I asked questions. Just asking the simplest of questions clears the way for my kids to have the floor to share what’s on their minds and in their hearts. What each of my kids ponders has surprised me.
- I followed my inner mom-ologue! When I SLOW DOWN and truly consider what my kids are saying to me, there’s this actual mom coach whispering in my ear with pretty good tips on how I could respond. Nine times out of ten when I listen and follow my inner mom-ologue, the parenting is much wiser, and the mom wins abound.
It didn’t take long before another opportunity to practice these three things presented itself.
Twin A — “Mom, can (Twin B) and I get…”
Me — (Inner Mom-ologue — Wait. Listen.)
Twin A — “…chocolate for our teacher?”
Me — (Inner Mom-ologue — Ask a question.) “Oh ya? What makes you want to do that?”
Twin A — “We like her because we think she really cares about us and we want to do something to surprise her.”
Me — (Crying inside because I have the most thoughtful, dear children on the face of the planet, while at the same time patting myself on the back for not ruining this amazing moment with a lecture) — “Yes! Let’s do it!”
Be still my heart, it’s becoming a habit!
These days, my girls and I talk more about people in our lives who might need their spirits lifted, or who we want to show our appreciation for. Preteens (at least the ones I have raised) DO NOT naturally think this way most of the time, so this alone is a huge win! The bigger picture — caring about others, and improved mom behaviour have become “the way we do business” at our house.
It started with my daughter’s small acts of candy kindness, but has evolved into other things that don’t require spending money as well… Both girls have initiated phone calls to grandparents because they “might be missing us”; they’ve drawn incredible pictures for good friends because “they’re feeling lonely and sad”; they’ve taken pictures of sunsets and texted them to aunts just because “they might love seeing our nature photos”. It’s mostly simple — but all thoughtful — and it’s showing a side of my kids that is so much less self-absorbed.
So if your kids are starting to sound like a broken record — try listening, asking questions, and paying attention to your inner mom-ologue. And like me, you’ll be glad you did.