Three Signs You’re a ‘Background Friend’ — and How to Cope With It

How recognizing the signs helped me realize what I was missing

A ‘background friend’ is someone who, despite having friends, doesn’t feel like they are a firm member of any one group.

Although I’m lucky to have life-long friends, I’ve felt reduced to the background in the past. I sometimes felt there was something missing. I often became lonely, as if the group would forget my presence.

I felt like this on and off for a lot of my adolescence. Life felt like one big sigh and I longed for a deeper connection.

While it made me understand the importance of liking alone time, finding my way out of the background changed my life for the better. I became comfortable with who I was, my happiness skyrocketed, and all of my relationships benefited.

It all started when I recognized the signs. From there, I figured out what I was missing, what I could do in the future and the hidden benefit of being a background friend. Here’s how you can too.

1. You Get Invited to Things, but Not Everything

In my teens, I would get invited to parties, holidays, and other significant occasions. But when it comes down to the smaller, impromptu events, I missed out.

One of the more bruising moments is when, despite having fun, I sometimes realized other members of the group made plans without me. I began questioning what I brought to the group.

As humans, social acceptance is a prominent driving factor in our actions. Seeing your friend’s Snapchat stories that you’re not in hurts, no matter how brave a face you put on.

2. You Aren’t in a ‘Group Within a Group’

In school, our friendship group was huge. When we went on a ‘lad’s holiday,’ there were 16 of us (you can imagine every bartender’s surprise). Yet within that group, there were smaller groups — a ‘group within a group.’

Usually, there are one or two people who are closer to each other than everyone else — they show up to parties together and rely on one another more than anyone else.

When you don’t have that, it’s easier to spot others that do, which makes you feel out of place. A private joke goes over your head, or you realize there’s a group chat you’re not in, for example. It’s painful.

3. You Struggle to Feel Truly Comfortable

Although you may be a part of different friendship groups, that lack of belonging becomes uncomfortable. As a result, it isn’t easy to relax.

You, like me, may realize that each group sees a different version of yourself. In one group, you might be quite reserved, and in another, you’re louder.

This tore me apart for quite a while. When I was with different groups, I wasn’t sure who I was. Was I playing up to that group’s view of me? Or is that side of my character who I really am? Sometimes it’s hard to tell.

It’s Both Good and Bad

When you’re a background friend, you might have lots of friends. You meet different sets of people who then introduce you to their friends and so on. This means you’re able to experience new things you might not have thought possible.

For instance, I knew I wanted to go to a music festival called Creamfields, but one of my groups wasn’t particularly interested. But, by befriending a new group, I was able to throw caution to the wind and go. I had the best weekend of my life.

However, it can be a lonely experience. You find people are doing things without you, and you wonder if that group is the right place for you. Worst of all, you begin to doubt your self-worth.

How to Cope With Being a ‘Background Friend’

I sometimes felt like I was too ungrateful because I had lots of friends. Yet, I didn’t see them as much as a kid should, and the lack of a best friend gnawed away at me. It was the missing piece to my puzzle.

Luckily, everything changed for me when I joined university. I can now firmly say I have some best friends. Since then, my relationships in all groups have improved. I can be myself and not worry whether or not I have something valuable to offer.

I’ve been there, so I can help. If you feel like you’re a background friend, here are some ways to cope.

Be wary before going all-in with a new friendship

After years of feeling like you are yet to find a genuinely blossoming friendship, a new one might tempt you to jump the gun.

For example, when I first joined university, I thought I made a special bond with a guy in my flat. It didn’t end up that way, and for a while, I thought it had ruined my experience. I almost quit three months after starting. After pinning such high hopes on university solving my problems, my loneliness reached an all-time low. I felt I was destined to be a background friend.

However, after speaking with other people I met, I decided to carry on. I’m glad I did, as I still talk with those people every day.

Like romantic relationships, friendships go through a ‘honeymoon phase.’ After you get to know one another, cracks may form. If your hopes get too high, they can demoralize you even more than before.

Change your circumstances

While it sucked initially, and I didn’t particularly enjoy my degree, my university experience was completely worth it. I had fun and learned a lot about myself.

On the first night, I forced myself to meet other people outside of my flat. I’m glad I didn’t, as the people I went out and met became the people I lived with. Because of them, I was able to leave my torrid first year in my rear-view mirror.

The same applies to existing groups too. In the years after the ‘lad’s holiday’ trip, the big group of 16 shrank. The remaining eight of us decided to go to Budapest, where we had unreal fun and bonded once again. I felt closer to them than ever. We need something like that again.

If you feel yourself gravitating toward a particular group, do something different with them. Go on a holiday or to a festival — you may find a unique bond form within that group.

Find stories to get lost in

During some lonely weekends, I found solace in stories. I grew interested in films, but mostly video games.

Unlike a lot of my friends, I prefer an intriguing single-player story mode to a multiplayer game. You’re able to fully immerse yourself in an entirely new world where you’re not a background friend. You’re the main character.

Moreover, you won’t be disappointed. In my eyes, there is nothing wrong with spending five hours on a video game. It’s the digital equivalent of reading a book, except you have a part in how the story is told.

If you don’t like video games, find another place where you’re not the background friend. Take center stage.

The Hidden Benefit of Being a Background Friend

My time as a background friend taught me the importance of putting your guard up. Not every budding friendship will last, so you can save yourself a lot of pain. However, I wouldn’t want you to go through it.

On the whole, it’s a lonely and somewhat demoralizing feeling. But I will say this: it’s okay to feel this way. I wish I could go back and tell my 17-year-old self that. Even though friends surround you, it’s easy not to feel valued. I get it.

But while it feels lonely, there is one hidden benefit, which I would like you to consider. This excerpt from an article in the Metro sums it up perfectly:

“You’re not a background friend, you’re someone who can form connections with lots of people.”

I’m curious to know, what do you think are the hidden benefits of being a background friend?

Let’s learn to work on ourselves. Stay in touch.