Three Little Mindset Shifts That Can Make a Big Difference

Mind blown … in a good way!

I’ve taken in a lot of self-development concepts in my lifetime. Some never resonated with me, and some eventually fell by the wayside. Others have stuck with me.

Sometimes the seemingly smallest changes have had the greatest impact. This is true for the three perspectives I share below.

I wish I could remember where I first heard each one, but I don’t. However, I want to make it clear that these brilliant mindset shifts are not original thoughts of mine. They are ways of thinking that I try to strengthen each time I find my outlook unhelpful.

Could Instead of Should

When’s the last time you should on yourself? Be honest. Personally, I used to should on myself just about every day. It was a nasty little habit.

Then one day, a therapist changed one of my self-shaming shoulds into a could.

“I should try to be more social and make more friends,” I bemoaned.

“Well, you could do that, I suppose,” she replied.

My mind was blown. I had what Oprah Winfrey would call a lightbulb moment.

Ever since that day, whenever I find myself beginning to should on myself, I instantly replace should with could. Instead of being guilt or shame-inducing, it feels expansive. It reminds me that the task I’m pressuring myself into is really just one option and not a must.

I instantly feel a weight lifted every time.

Thank You Instead of Sorry

We all know that one person who apologizes. A lot. They’re basically apologizing for existing. It’s pretty cringeworthy and makes me feel extremely uncomfortable every time. It’s a horrible way to earn respect, and it leaves a bull’s eye for those seeking out victims to manipulate and take advantage of. Even if we’re not this extreme, I think most of us have a bit of this habit ingrained in us from a young age.

While I’m no mental health professional, I think one of the places this stems from is the desire for others to perceive us as nice.

For me, I’ve noticed the tendency to apologize if I want to express empathy for someone else, but don’t know what else to say. However, my instinct to apologize is at odds with my personal policy of not apologizing for things that are not my fault or responsibility.

When I heard about the practice of replacing apologies with gratitude, I knew I had found my solution. Gratitude is also a form of kindness, and you can share it with someone else and both be enriched, unlike a misguided apology which is just awkward for everyone.

It’s so much more empowering to thank a loved one for taking care of us while we’re sick instead of apologizing for being human. When we express gratitude instead of constant contrition, it sends a message to ourselves and others. It shows that we know we deserve to take up space, and we are grateful for the way others show up to share it with us.

Curiosity Instead of Anger

Have you ever blown up over something and then had to eat your words? You are not alone. Most of us, including me, never learned to regulate our emotions as children. Even if we did, we’re still human and bound to overreact once in a while.

As a highly sensitive person, I feel particularly prone to having strong emotions and reactions. Noticing when judgment, anger, and assumptions are welling up inside of me has been important in my practice of emotional regulation. Once I notice I’m in this state, then I try to practice curiosity instead of acting on my assumptions.

For example, I used to feel very triggered if someone was late and did not call or text with a heads up. I still do feel irritation welling up inside of me on a smaller scale when this happens sometimes. But instead of just going with it, I try to get “curious instead of furious.”

I hope that they’re okay first and foremost. I remind myself that I don’t have the whole story, especially if it’s a pretty reliable person. Finally, I make a decision to find out what happened before I get too upset or allow myself to act out. Even if there isn’t a good reason, I’m usually much calmer by the time I have a talk with someone or set a boundary. It really is a win-win.

Retraining my brain to think in these ways has made me happier, calmer, and more mindful. These perspective shifts help me to be the kind and loving person I aspire to be, even to myself.

Before I knew it, these new patterns became more and more like second nature. Of course, there are times when I still need to reframe my thoughts, but that’s becoming less and less frequent. When I find myself thinking in unhelpful ways, I give myself a redo.

Be gentle with yourself. It’s about practice, not perfection.

What mindset shifts have you made that improved your life?

I would love to know!