Three Important Decisions That Do Require Years of Deliberation
Some choices are too important to make with your short-term self in mind.
I came across a quote from Naval Ravikant in a book, The Almanack of Naval Ravikant, written by Eric Jorgenson. Ravikant believes there are basically three really big decisions you make in your early life, and you should spend one or two years deciding these things. When I first read Naval’s advice, I laughed. Most people don’t take 6 months to decide major decisions, much less a few years. Then I thought, I wish I had this advice in my young adulthood. It would have saved me a lot of pain and money.
And while it is true that one needs to experiment and have varied experiences to find what they’re searching for, especially in your 20s, you don’t have to make a big decision until you’ve spent a lot of time really thinking about it with your future self in mind.
These are the decisions that ultimately determine the trajectory of your life, like in the movie Sliding Doors, the trailer below describes it well.
In Sliding Doors, a micro difference in the character’s day changes her life drastically. Image what macros decisions would change.
Keeping your future happiness in the forefront of your mind is wise.
Don’t make trade-offs with your future self to make a quick uninformed decision. Put some deliberation in. Invest in the long-term by taking time to make these significant choices and prioritize future outcomes over short-term ease.
1. Who you’re with/who you marry
This might be the most significant decision with the most impact on various outcomes in life. The person you marry can color how you see yourself every day, simply because you spend so much time with your partner, more than any other person. Your partner is the most significant influencer on other choices.
I would say the number one characteristic to look for in a spouse is kindness. And not how kind they’re to you when the two of you are “in love,” but how kind they’re to their “enemies.” Because if your spouse or partner reclassifies you as an enemy, their treatment of you will change drastically.
A partner should be the kind of person you’d like to be. When you surround yourself with people who are what you’d like to emulate, you move in that direction. And the most important person by far is your spouse.
Who you marry can affect your levels of success in all areas, financial, parenting, spiritually, emotionally. Glass-half-full will probably make you feel more optimistic more than glass-half-empty people.
According to a study published by researchers from Carnegie Mellon University, people with supportive spouses are “more likely to give themselves the chance to succeed.”
Most people fall into one or two camps, to marry your best friend or not. I fall in the former camp. Choose someone you really like because you won’t always be in love with them during a long marriage. Be with someone you like as a friend to survive those times you fall out of love, as happens in every long-term partnership. Being in a friendship will sustain connection until you fall in love with your spouse again.
Really like and admire the person you choose to spend time with.
Most successful couples work as a team focused on large, overarching enterprises. They work in tandem to achieve common goals. Choose a team player, someone willing to pick up the slack when you’re having a bad day when you are overworked and just can’t do one more thing.
This is especially important if you have children together. Children bring endless, mindless chores, and parenting isn’t easy. You need a partner who can work in tandem with you toward shared goals and outcomes.
2. Where you live.
“Choosing what city to live in can almost completely determine the trajectory of your life.” Naval Ravikant
Where you live determines the people you meet, your network, and the job you’ll end up getting. This is less so now that telecommuters are working for companies in other cities, and content creators are working independently. But where you choose to reside does determine your inner circle — who you hang out with, which friends you see every day, your barista at your local coffee shop, your doctor, your lawyer, the butcher at your supermarket, the list is endless.
I’ve lived in several cities since moving out of my parent’s house when I went to college. Each city has its own vibration determined by the collective energy of the people who reside in that city.
I won’t take the time here to write about each city in depth. In general, though, of the several cities I’ve lived in, here is my short take. San Francisco is a bit snobby, the people have a self-conscious vibe, but it’s also a place of great innovation. San Franciso is less friendly than, say, Los Angeles, where everyone is into their own thing so intently they don’t have time for judging others, their attitude is, I couldn’t care less. Austin has oddness I can’t quite put my finger on, also a very laid-back group of people, and family-oriented. Boston, where I went to school, is still a bit uptight because of its puritanical roots. Philly (where I grew up) is down-to-earth, much like New York City. When I think of NYC, I think of constant noise and energy compared to Los Angeles, where you can find peaceful and quiet spots in the city if you know where to look.
Each city has its own vibration, and the frequency with which you vibrate will mesh more with certain cities than with others.
I lived in Austin for five-plus years, and I felt like a fish out of water the entire time. My vibrational energy just didn’t jive with that city’s vibration. I do very much with Los Angeles and San Francisco, more with LA. I love the “live and let live” mentally here. My partner does very well in Austin. Right before my partner and I moved to Austin, we talked to a therapist/friend who is also a psychic. He said explicitly that my partner and his business would do well in Austin, and it has beyond our wildest expectations.
Where you live is a big decision. Take time to decide what kind of lifestyle, vibration, people you want to surround yourself with, you won’t be able to escape the vibe once you pick the city you want to live in, unless you are a hermit and never go out, you could always move, as I have.
3. What you do to earn a living.
Ok. This is a tough one. It took me a long time to figure out what kind of work I wanted to do.
We spend so much time in a job, but we spend so little time deciding which job to get into.
If you’re going to be in a job for five years, spend some time deciding what job that will be. It is a highly dominating decision. It will determine your opportunities and your next job, and the one after that and so on.
Even if you start a business, your previous positions will determine the people you meet, your skillset, your knowledge, and your friends, since most people spend so much time physically at their place of employment.
Naval’s advice,
Figure out what you are good at, and start helping other people with it. Give it away. Pay it forward. On a long enough timescale, you will attract what you project.
How do you become successful at what you do all day? Surround yourself with people more successful than you.
If you can find work that feels like play to you, you are ahead of that game.
Yes, it won’t all feel like play. It shouldn’t. Some work will be required, even when following a passion. I love to write, but there are aspects of writing that feel like work, like the marketing part of content creation.
Work you love doesn’t always feel like play. But if you enjoy it most of the time, that is a good sign you are on the right path. Win most of the time.
If you dread every single Monday, you are in the wrong job. Yes, I realize bills need to be paid but find something where that dreadful Monday feeling doesn’t exist.
If you are waiting all week until Friday, you’re not in the right line of work. The goal of work is to make working feel like there are no dreadful Mondays. Every day feels like Friday — even Monday — because you love what you’re doing.
Find something you love to do, even if it comes after your “day job” until you can monetize it and quit your day job.
The way to stand out and separate yourself from the competition is to be authentic and find that thing you know how to do better than anybody else. You know how to do it because you love to do it. If you can make money off the thing you love to do, you are the wealthiest person in the world.
We are going into an age where more and more people can work for themselves. The new generation’s fortunes will be made through code or media — create something from what you love, then distribute it. It can come in many forms, writing, videos, podcasts, courses, paid subscriptions, newsletters.
Think of a product or service in your areas of expertise that society wants but does not yet know how to get, and they distribute that product or service online. But love it.
Your goal is to find the thing you can go all-in on that you enjoy doing.
In conclusion
If I were to be given a do-over for my twenties, I’d think about these three decisions for a longer time than I did the first go ‘round.
Jessica is a writer, an online entrepreneur, and a recovering type-A personality. She lives in Los Angeles with her extrovert daughter, two dogs, and two cats.
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