avatarLaura Johnson

Summarize

Thought Drop Soup

Photo by Molly Blackbird on Unsplash

A stink is in the air and it’s got me sniffing far off places. “Wouldn’t it be so great to live there? It seems so beautiful, simple, comfortable.

Chasing it, that other place.

Spring hit the calendar with snow storms, one after another, and a warm thaw in between. We trekked the properties this weekend, alternating between leaves and foot deep snow. I thought my chest organs would rip apart (so many…many hills). Today, my body feels like it’s been pummeled with bricks.

“You know you’d lose a ton of weight climbing that hill once a day. I know you would.”

“I need you to stop repeating this so I can like you still.”

At work the next day, I explained (whined) to my co-worker how out of shape I am. She suggested we walk around the building and street during lunch a couple times a week.

“But I work through lunch.” She gracefully let me pause, and I added, “yeah let’s do that.”

Everyone knows exercise is a stress reliever. Should I deny exercise and fresh air? Should I deny the opportunity to develop better social behavior?

Another co-worker just the week before suggested a bowling outing for group bonding. I immediately clenched and emailed back, “clenching”.

He thought I was referring to my lack of bowling skills and aversion to extra social interaction. Both valid points, but are secondary to my reacting to the panic of having to squeeze in that time. Squeeze!

Structurally, I’ve got the time — just move and tuck and adjust accordingly.

I suspect what gets me feeling full capacity is the stuff that isn’t done. Like a cleaned out air conditioner and every neglected area of my house, my car and my yard.

Also, what about those books I want to read? And learning to play the piano, have a garden, and write more than once a month.

Let’s just keep deep diving into the sticky load and really think of all the time I don’t see my family.

These are constants, a concrete layer under the other stuff that needs to be done.

“You’ve got severe issues.”

“Yeah.”

We’ve got two trips coming up soon. At the end of the month we’re helping my daughter move apartments and celebrate getting her Master’s Degree in Social Work. (She is a rockstar.) A few weekends later we’re taking a plane to my in-laws in New Hampshire.

I’ve worked through the panic of squeezing in the time and have now developed an intense desire to go and stay. Both places.

Basically, I want to be a young graduate and a retiree. Or neither, just a really cool housemate.

Why do I feel like escaping?

That is no good way to utilize my time.

GAH!

What is really at the core of my thinking?

I want to fix everything, I want everything to be perfect. I feel like I don’t have enough time.

Does anyone else live with this internal, unattainable freak mindset?

It probably sounds like I’m difficult to live with. Various demands for perfection and to never move anything I have put strategically in it’s proper place. According to my husband, while annoying sometimes, I’m very pliant when it matters most. Like in building our house.

I gave him a list of the only things I care about in the design leaving the rest for him:

  1. Indoor plumbing
  2. Shelter from the weather, mold, and rodents
  3. Closets
  4. Pantry
  5. Single rectangle kitchen sink, deeper than you think you’d need, maybe enough for a toddler to stand in, I’m just brainstorming here
  6. Extremely well designed mudroom/utility room
  7. All colors must be chosen by me

Seven items, that is all. I can’t stress enough what an improvement this is for me. I like to think he recognizes it too and is super relieved that he married me and not some other weirdo.

Today, amidst my multitude of work debris, I joined co-workers for lunch.

“Do you have the time?”

“No.”

“Neither do we.”

Therapy.

So, is there anything to take away from all this blathering? Probably not.

“I’ve just sucked one year of your life away. I might one day go as high as five, but I really don’t know what that would do to you.” — Count Rugen, The Princess Bride

Its only been a few minutes, really. We can relax.

Humor
Self
Neurosis
Time
Life
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