self-care | family

This Year is Not a Normal Year and I Can No Longer Hide it

Christmas presents take on a whole new meaning when trying to preserve your mental well-being

I have refrained from writing much about the things going on in the background of my life too much. For one, I don’t wish to dwell on things that feel “hard” and for another, much of what I am juggling here is not my story to tell.

But I am tired and this morning I realised that I just don’t have it in me to “do Christmas” like I usually do.

I have never cared for an elaborate Christmas, so don’t get me wrong. But normally I am buying all sorts of bits and pieces for everyone I love over the weeks leading up to Christmas. Meaningful bits and pieces. Simple but touching.

I often indulge in some new lights because pretty lights are my favourite part of the dark season but I haven’t even sorted out the existing lights, or hung any up. Or turned on the ones we still have hanging since the natural light returned in the spring.

My mind can’t seem to accommodate all these different things right now. It’s tired and I have a long to-do list that has nothing to do with Christmas and is far more important. I have emails that need writing, commitments for clients, two birthdays of offspring (one of which is today), a witness statement for a court case to write, and a busy household that hasn’t given me a day off since July.

During this second half of 2022, I have taken in my nephew to enable him to live and study in the UK, following an horrific couple of years of being locked down in the Philippines, relocating to France where he knew no one and couldn’t speak the language, and being isolated in the countryside in a household gripped by tension.

I have supported my sister as she made plans to overturn her entire life and, once she did it, to gradually come off the antidepressants that have kept her sane.

Slowly but surely, the members of that household are departing and all need my help. My sister, my niece, the dogs…

While my sister files for divorce from a man who has controlled her and her ability to leave the marital home for too long, I am trying to organise a school place for my niece, reviewing job applications that my sister is submitting, offering my home to another dog, and, soon, my niece.

That’s if the court rules that my niece’s need to leave France is sufficient to go against her father’s wishes. We won’t know the answer to that until February at least.

In the meantime, an in-year application for a girl of her age group is nigh on impossible but I have written begging emails to a couple of local state schools and am trying to get to an independent local school where I worked some years back and know some of the staff. I am hoping that their kindness and empathy will give us what we need in writing at the very least.

And, if successful, come March, my house will become even more crowded until my sister is in a position to buy a house. Which hopefully won’t take until her property in France is sold but I am not holding my breath.

So yes, life is nonstop admin and support while trying to maintain boundaries with my own time and needs, and that’s not always possible.

“No” is a useful word but it’s not always appropriate to use it when others’ lives just need a “yes.” So I soldier on and do what I can.

Meanwhile, Christmas is just one of those things that is looming in a slightly intimidating manner.

I am not writing this in search of pity and I am trying my best not to come across as self-pitying, though I am probably failing miserably there.

Back in August, I wrote about how I was overwhelmed. Since then, my overwhelm felt more manageable but I have never quite managed to get over the hump, or feel like the fog is clearing and that there is light ahead. As soon as I think things are lightening up, another thing comes along to weigh me down and crowd my sunlight.

For the most part, I have remained in good spirits. But when I got a bit sick recently with a cold that went to my chest, I became grumpy, short-tempered, and desperate for some space and comfort.

One weekend morning when there were just too many people in my mental space, I had to get out of the house and took the dogs for a long, long walk in the woods. I spent half of that walk crying and the other half looking at hotels I could go and have a night alone at, just to breathe, read a book undisturbed, have a bath, undisturbed, eat breakfast undisturbed, and walk out to a fresh perspective in the morning.

Is that possible?

Whether or not I even get a night to go and spend alone, just knowing I have that as an option made me feel much better. But it won’t make all the other stuff go away. That just needs to be dealt with, no matter what.

And, thankfully, that low point passed and I feel better again. Just tired.

My kids do a great job of keeping me in high spirits. This morning, while overhearing me talking in the ridiculous voice I reserve just for the dogs (does anyone else talk to their dogs in stupid voices or is it just me?), they called down the stairs.

“Mum!”

“Yes?” I answered.

“We love you…even if you get put into a mental asylum!” (apologies for my daughters’ lack of political correctness)

“Aww thanks! Will you write to me?”

“We’ll send you!”

Gee, they’re so nice to me! But at least they keep me laughing.

And getting to especially nice places to walk with the dogs is food for my soul. Boring walks in town, especially in the bitter cold we are currently experiencing, are so grey and so yesterday! So we’re making the effort to get to the woods or other places with refreshing scenery.

Today, I am heading to the beach where, hopefully, the sun will shine for us.

Even that is more important than the extra effort required to be all Christmas-y.

So yes, This Christmas will not be like it is other years. Gifts from me will be severely limited. But I would rather hold back from being a slave to present-buying this year and put more into simply being present. And I think my family will also benefit.

Gifts do not have to be material. They can just be the result of taking care of yourself and allowing the benefits to be reaped by all.

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