This Week in Glib, Ersatz Piffle

A parody of online advice and other blogging content

Disclaimer: the following is intended as entertainment only, not real world advice or information. Any resemblance to existing online content is unintentional.

Why online name dropping gets guaranteed clicks

Whoever said porn is the biggest thing on the internet lied. It’s wealth and fame porn by a mile. This is why name dropping gets your posts read. Follow the pattern of these gems to your internet goldmine.

• Ten ways leaving your daughter out of your will make you a bigger deadbeat dad than Steve Jobs.
• Jump start your love life! Trade in your spouse as often as you trade in your car like Jim Carrey. You can thank me for the prenup warranty idea later.
• Ride the Hollywood casting couch to the red carpet like Charlotte Kirk. There’s a reason why oldies are still the most popular radio genre.

How I day traded postage stamps to pay for my beachfront condo

Did you inherit a stamp collection from your grandparents? Swap those dead presidents, inventors and celebrities for real cash like a master of the universe. Like the guy who traded a paper clip up to a house, your postage to prosperity story is waiting to be told. Hang out your shingle as a philatelist arbitrageur. I’d recommend some Oxford tweeds and a hipster beard to look the part of the world ruling nerd you’re about to become. Throw in a fake Sean Connery-like Scottish brogue and you’ll be rolling in it.

Why my thought dumps are Pulitzer worthy while yours are digital excrement

My poetic reflections on cleaning out the cat litter box and cutting my lawn are the tip of the iceberg of my artistic depth. In fact, I’m the internet Mary Condo of mental clutter. Excuse me while I ponder the emotional vicissitudes of cleaning my stubble out of the sink after shaving. On the other hand, your worthless blogging career flounders like so much flotsam and jetsam begging to be rescued. Save it with my online master course in clickbait.

Unmistakable signs you’re an online relationship expert

Now that you’ve been dumped more times than a gravel truck at a construction site, it’s time to monetize that misery with your own online relationship advice column. Your failure to domesticate those emotionally distant bad boys or Ms. Wrongs is internet gold. Arm Candy causes emotional cavities and your audience needs to hear it again and again.

Follow my fortune making advice but only if it works

Drive Uber, rent your spare bedroom on AirBnb and be a successful freelance writer — all at the same time — in my imaginary internet fantasy world. But if my formula doesn’t work, do something else because I don’t want to hear about your real life stumbles getting in the way of the positive vibe my feel good advice is meant to create.

From Lifelong student to Trivia Champ

After being voted most likely to be underemployed in my graduating class, I decided to prove them all wrong in the halls of academia. Trouble was I fell in love with learning so much I couldn’t decide on a major. Still I kept pursuing my interests. Today I’m the proud holder of a Ph. D. in General Studies. Sure, I’m still a bartender but I kick ass on trivia night. Jeopardy, here I come!

How Jeffrey Toobin’s Zoom firing by the New Yorker led to a breakthrough career in porn.

This putz pumping, foreskin flapping pioneer has a new online gig playing — you guessed it — an online meeting pervert. Watch for Organizational Online Orgy on your favourite adult site. No online meeting software required. Among the candidates for his replacement at the New Yorker is Louis C.K.

Why white people watching Dave Chappelle, eating soul food and listening to Motown is racist

OK, maybe that’s a little strong. Your financial support is important to the success of black culture. But the fact that you even entertained this notion for a nanosecond can only mean you’re so twisted with white guilt, I will have you confessing to Malcolm X and MLK’s assassination by the end of this post.

Your sex tourism exploits are not a sign of cultural awareness.

Now that your bedpost is festooned with luggage tags and prophylactic wrappers from the world’s sex havens, this not to be confused with cultural insight. Learning how to say sex acts in the languages of the world makes for great drinking stories. Listing venereal diseases in Armenian isn’t one of them.

Why Your Trump outrage can never be as virtuous as mine.

My permanent outrage has been recognized by the Virtue Signaling Hall of Fame where I’ve been nominated for solipsistic sainthood. My Trump Trauma (a new category in the DSM!) is so real, I filed a restraining order against the prez after hearing the “Grab them by the pussy” sound clip. You can contribute to my therapy on my GoFundMe page. I’d hit my parents up again but they’re still paying for my poetry degree and the bail from my last Antifa riot arrest. Better yet, check out my clothing line made from second hand pussyhats!

New careers in machine learning

I wanted to get an early jump into the budding new field of data science. I soon found that I couldn’t write an Al Gore rhythm to save my life. I don’t know Python from a rattlesnake. Incompetence in these skills rules out my becoming a data scientist or data analyst. Instead, I’ve decided to pursue a career as a data stylist. I’ll take the available data and twist it to mean whatever you want it to.

Let’s Hear it for Front Line Workers

Sure, the nurses and personal support workers are a swell bunch but enough about them already. Let’s hear it for the guy with the barroom tan who stocks the liquor store shelves and the glassy eyed girl in the pot dispensary who calculates THC counts like an oddsmaker. We thank you for keeping us zonked as we navigate the end of 2020.

Next Month in the Ass End— Meet the stoner who invented a Covid mask bong.