This TikTok Inspired Me to Stop Seeking Male Validation
How the kids are dismantling the patriarchy one TikTok at a time
I was scrolling on Twitter and saw a thread that changed my life — or at least it made me rethink how I was living.
The tweet, from user @haaniyah_, reads: “Weeks ago I saw this tiktok where this girl said she’s beautiful in the way only women find her beautiful and it’s been on my mind for ages.
Bc I legitimately don’t think I rlly appeal to men that often which is why I’m always surprised when they like me.”
The thread included this TikTok from user @sarahschauer:
The gist of the TikTok is that people can find a more authentic sense of self by decentering the male gaze within their life. Mind blown.
Watching this TikTok made me think about the many ways that the male gaze altered my perception of self.
The pain of not fitting in
Since childhood, I’ve always been the weird kid. How I looked, what I was interested in, how I talked, and whether I talked at all are some of the many reasons why.
And, if I didn’t already know how weird I was, people have told me ten times over. I’ve been called weird, ugly, an “Oreo”, awkward, strange, etc.
So, I’ve always tried to change how I was to fit another person’s view of what I should be. What men thought of me, especially those close to me, was very important to me for a long time.
When the pandemic hit and I started spending a lot of time alone, I realized that most of the things people have tried to tell me about who I needed to be were based on BS.
At first, this realization made me angry. I was mad that I dealt with so much pain trying to live up to standards that were never meant to fit me. I’ve been working towards channeling that rage into self-love and self-compassion.
I appreciate internet gems like this TikTok because they start conversations about life and humanity that desperately need to be had. I wish things like this were taught in school.
If I would have heard this at 16 my life may have never been the same. But, I can imagine why they aren’t usually talked about.
People wanting to change themselves is big business. The big shots aren’t going to choose to lose money for the greater good. It’s just not realistic.
The heavy impact of the male gaze
I’ve been working towards decentering the white gaze for a while, through tactics like positive affirmations and diversifying the content I consume.
Decentering the male gaze — that’s going to be more difficult. It feels like I’m trying to move a gigantic boulder that’s been sitting on my body for decades.
I’ve lived to serve the male gaze for so long. I don’t know how to deprogram myself. And, on top of that, I’m not really motivated by anyone to do so.
For example, now that I’m 25, people only see the trajectory of my future through the male gaze. People always ask when I’m going to get married and have kids. Even when I bring up my career as a writer, anything I say pales in comparison to whether I’ll get married or not.
Situations like that make it hard to stray from the norm. I still get that “oh man, what if they think I’m weird” thought that I’ve had since I was a child.
In an effort not to overwhelm myself, I’m trying to tackle this issue day by day. And, I think it comes down to trusting my intuition.
How can I tackle this issue?
I’ve always known what’s right for me. I just have trouble following that gut feeling. When I voice my opinion and people try to talk me out of it, it gets harder.
It’s so much easier to not think for yourself and just let society tell you who you are. But, it’s painful.
I wish there was a step-by-step guide for stuff like this. If there was a how-to book called “How to Deprogram the Toxic White Supremacist and Patriarchal Ideals From Your Mind and Find Your True Self” I’d immediately buy it.
But, every day reveals a new lesson. I’ve just got to be open to questioning what’s around me — asking why. When I see something (for example, a joke on a television show) that makes me feel bad, I need to ask, “Why do I feel this way?” That simple question can reveal so much.
I’m going to practice trusting myself and questioning my environment. Sadly, you can’t overthrow the patriarchy overnight. But you can, bit by bit, take apart how it has manifested in you.
Nia Simone McLeod is a writer, content creator, and pop culture enthusiast from Richmond, Virginia. She’s the creator and editor of the Medium publications oh, write and coiled. In her newsletter, she shares writing prompts, the best in pop culture, and sneak peeks at her upcoming work.