This Thanksgiving Trump Should Forget About the Turkey and Pardon Himself
It’s coming up on Thanksgiving and aside from football, the Macy’s day parade and a chance to drink beer on a Thursday morning without getting shit from your wife, it’s also turkey pardon time! Like most patriotic Americans, each year, I look forward to the moment when our nation’s leader harnesses his power and benevolence to free one lucky bird. But this year, given the current state of our country, I think it would be foolhardy to go through with it because we all know right now there’s something greater at stake than the life of a single bird.
I mean, why pardon a turkey anyway? Most turkeys die within a year after being pardoned. Sure, those PETA freaks will try to tell you it’s because they’re overfed on GMO soybeans and corn to the point that their skeletons can’t support their own weight but we all know that’s lefty propaganda. They die because they have no purpose. The only way a turkey can serve its country is by feeding it, take that away and what’s left?
Besides, this whole turkey pardoning tradition, much like this whole impeachment nonsense itself, is based on a misunderstanding. It’s like a game of telephone. Someone says, “Hey Voldmemort, wanna meet for a chat and some Borscht?” They hear, “Give me some dirt on Joe or your aide’s cut-off.” Conspiracist nonsense right?
Supposedly Lincoln was the first to spare a bird, he really just let one go because his namby-pamby son was crying about “poor Jack.” (And let’s be real, that wasn’t Abe’s first mistake about freeing things.)
Reagan was the first president to use the word pardon in association with a Turkey but it was all a joke. The whole Iran-Contra affair came to a head right around Thanksgiving so when someone asked him if he’d pardon Oliver North and his aides he laughed and said, “Maybe I’ll just pardon the bird.” What a waste of a pardon! Sure, things turned out all right for Ollie, but what if they hadn’t? If he’d gone to prison, the world would have been worse off for it. For one, he never would have been president of the NRA and look what he did with that. Guns, more popular than ever. Who was it who said, “A gun in every home and a chicken in every pot?”
Anyway, the whole Iran-Contra thing got me thinking, why waste a pardon on an animal? The fact is this country is in crisis; the American Dream is disappearing faster than boy-girls are cropping up. Put that pardon somewhere it could really make a difference, towards the group that’s really in danger in this country. You know who I’m talking about right? White men! Used to be all a white man needed to get ahead in the workplace was some nepotism and a dream, now you can’t even get head in the workplace without fear of reprisals from HR. Look at what happened to poor Louis C.K.
But back to turkeys. If you follow the logic, it’s not much of a leap. You know how a turkey gets plucked for pardoning in the first place? They start with fifty or so, premium overfed turkeys — all males of course and generally of the Broad Breasted White variety. Then they look for the ones who can handle loud noises, flash photography and large, rambunctious crowds. Finally, they select the best preened of the group and voila!
While there’s no shortage of men who could fit that criteria, there’s a clear winner on top of that heap! A white-breasted, plumped up turkey who can work a crowd like a Mexican whore at a donkey show? Someone who enjoys having his photo taken more than a Kardashian after a butt lift? Someone who turn even the loudest liberal whining into the sound of applause? This Thanksgiving, Trump should obliterate the Turkey and pardon himself!
After all, you can’t make America Great from a country club jail cell.