This One Simple Lesson Changed The Way I Give Advice
And Made It A 1000x Better!
If you wish to know the mind of a man, listen to his words.
- Johann Wolfgang von Goethe
„You have to stop talking to him! It’s not good for you!“
I said.
Why would my friend always contact her ex again?
It made her miserable.
Whatever progress in getting over him she made, she set the clock back every time.
Yet, I felt like the more I told her to forget him, the more likely she was to pick up the phone and call him.
Desperately, I tried a different approach the next time we talked.
Instead of me telling her why it was dumb to keep him in her life, I asked her:
„What reasons are there to CUT contact with him?”
She immediately started listing a thousand things.
- My heart gets broken every time we meet.
- I can’t move on.
- It makes me feel worthless.
- I will cry.
All I did was listen.
And guess what? She didn’t text him again.
Three days later, he texted her he’d like to come over.
She told me about it, unsure what to do.
All I did was ask her what speaks against it.
Going through the list again, she made up her mind.
She’d finally cut off all ties.
So she did.
My new approach was based on Motivational Interviewing (MI).
MI is an interviewing technique.
The goal is to motivate a person to change.
The premise is you will only change if you decide so yourself.
MI helps you to make that decision.
Our urge to lecture somebody about their wrongdoings, to tell them to change, and to offer advice unasked for, is called the „righting reflex“.
Naturally, when a person behaves negatively, e.g. drinks too much alcohol, we want to tell them.
„You need to stop drinking!”
“You’re ruining your life!”
“Show some backbone!“
Yet, Miller and Rollnick, the founders of MI, don’t recommend it.
Because the „righting reflex“ will have the opposite effect.
By arguing against somebody’s behavior, they will start to defend it.
Thus, their mind finds reasons to justify it even more.
The essence of MI is to „sit on your hands“ and hold back:
- Do not advise the client what to do.
- Do not lecture them.
- Do not ask suggestive questions.
- Do not tell them what to do.
Because when somebody thinks about change, they already have all the arguments for and against it inside of them.
Any outside advice will make them defend the arguments to keep the current state.
Please give me some good advice in your next letter. I promise not to follow it.
Edna St. Vincent Millay
What you can do is help them strengthen their pro-change motivation.
Guide them towards change by asking change-motivating questions and active listening.
We are often in situations where we want to change, but can’t decide whether we actually want to do it.
Then, we tend to ask friends or family members for advice.
„Should I break up with them or not? The relationship is so toxic but I can’t stand being alone!”
The next time somebody reaches out to you for advice on a similar situation, try using MI.
I promise you: it is incredibly effective.
What to do:
- „Sit on your hands“ — hold back any advice or opinion of yours (at least in the beginning)
- Ask them:
- „Why do you want to change this?“
- „How important is it for you to change this?“
- „What are the reasons to do it?“
- „What do you have to do to make it happen?“
- „What do you think are you going to do next?“
There’s so much more to the method than that.
But you can benefit from the main concepts already:
- Hold back the „righting reflex.“
- Ask open questions that foster the motivation to change.