“This Isn’t Working Out. You’re Too Nice.”

Yes, once in a blue moon, this really does happen and we need to talk about what it means.

Let me tell you the story about my friend, Kamal*. Kamal is a great guy. In fact, I would go so far as to say that he is one of the kindest, gentlest human beings on the planet. He’s the type of guy that moms want to see their daughters date.

As it turns out, this can be a problem for the poor dude.

Unlike Nice Guys (TM) who are just fake-polite until they get laid, Kamal is actually genuinely caring. He has boundaries of his own, he doesn’t lie about what he likes, but he does try to pull out all the stops for the woman he likes.

As it turns out, this actually does seem to be an Achille’s heel of sorts when it comes to his dating life. Kamal tends to attract women who are, for lack of a better term, toxic and stuck in that toxic mindset.

The most recent one seemed promising. Kamal treated her well — very well, in fact. We’re talking fancy dinner dates, always was willing to lend an ear, but unlike fake-nice guys, he also had a spine. He had no problem telling her when he was tapped out of funds or when he wasn’t in the mood for sex.

It seemed like such a healthy relationship…until it got toxic. First, it started with her making “sideways” comments about him. Then it turned into her trying to actively pick fights with him.

Eventually, he asked her what was wrong and why it seemed like she just wanted to shake him. She broke down and said, “I can’t do this anymore. This isn’t working out. You’re too nice.”

Too nice? Is that a thing? Either way, she left him and revealed that she was cheating on him. Her next relationship, from what I heard, ended with a DV charge.

Believe it or not, this can happen with both men and women.

I want to point out that this isn’t the same thing as the Nice Guy(TM) who is only superficially nice and feels like he’s entitled to women. I’m talking about the nice people who genuinely try to go the extra mile for dates, try to heal their wounds from before, and try to have healthy, happy relationships.

It’s counterintuitive that people would feel this way about genuinely good people, but there is a legit reason for it. The reason is simple: when you have been abused or have incredibly low self-esteem, you begin to expect people to treat you poorly.

As someone who’s been there, I get both sides of the phenomenon. Let me explain.

People with very low self-esteem or a history of being abused often don’t know how to react to healthy relationships.

I say this as someone who was a lot like Kamal’s exes. I had a lot of abusive relationships when I was younger, and when you’re used to being the bully target or the last one picked, you start internalizing it.

Having a history of abuse or a very low opinion of yourself means that you start to assume that the treatment you got is what you should expect from everyone. You might not think you deserve it, per se, but you do expect it from others.

That abuse, rejection, and conditional love becomes your normal. You think, okay, I have to keep pursuing this person and I have to keep dealing with bad shit. Then, when you actually have a partner who cares about you, the following things happen:

1. You go through a shock phase. This person likes me? They are treating me nicely!?
2. You start reciprocating hard. It often looks like lovebombing. Or, you might continue to ride it out, waiting for the other shoe to drop.
3. Then, you freak out because you’re not sure how to handle it. A lot of people get suspicious about people who are too nice to them when they’re used to being unwanted. They may start to go into a mode where they think they have to be in control of the person so they don’t lose them. Or, they may self-sabotage just because being in a healthy relationship is so weird for them.

In a lot of cases, that freak out is what sabotages relationships. You have to remember, abuse is a mate retention tactic. Abuse also can make you think that the only way to get respect is to devalue others.

When this happens, the reject/bullied is now the bully. This is why a lot of people who were battered only respect or chase after people who either abuse them or don’t show interest. It’s a known part of the cycle of abuse.

In some cases, people who are not used to being treated well may end up staying with their partner despite not being attracted to them.

Another reason why people who tend to be kind to their partners tend to have bad relationships deals with the other aspect of being abused. When you’re used to being told you’re not worth keeping around, the other thing that can happen is that you end up staying with someone you’re really not attracted to.

The rationale behind this is something I’ve heard quite frequently from women who married for money or stability. They tend to say, “Well, he doesn’t hit me and I’m probably not going to get better, so this is it, I guess.”

Guess what happens after a while. Go on.

I’ll tell you. First, they come up with reasons not to sleep with their partners. Then, they start getting resentful and avoidant. Eventually, this leads to infidelity or abuse. It’s a bad breakup for a relationship that should never have happened.

How do I know? It happened with me and an ex of mine from my teen years. And the worst part was that I did like him as a person. I was just disgusted by the idea of being with him and felt stuck because I was told I would never get better. So, I cheated and blindsided him when I left.

Toxic advice columnists often suggest that you shouldn’t be kind, supportive, or caring to partners — but that’s wrong.

You can’t have a healthy relationship if you treat partners like shit, don’t tell them you care about them, and aren’t supportive of them. The adage “treat ’em mean, keep ’em keen” only works with people who are very emotionally unhealthy.

Along with turning you into a shitty partner, that adage attracts the worst types of people into your life. It also guarantees that you can never really be yourself around your partner…and that’s actually really horrible if you think about it.

In other words, being a shitbag will result in a long string of shitty relationships that result in breakups or arrest charges. That’s a basic guarantee. But, what about the nice, genuinely decent people out there?

Well…

Dating is a pointedly risky activity and that means that you have to really vet your partners.

If you are a decent person, you need to protect yourself more than you need to protect the feelings of your partner. This means you need to vet your partners and watch for the warning signs as well as the green lights.

The moment you find out your partner has been talking smack about you, insulting you, or trying to use you is the moment you leave. There’s a reason why I tell people to have a secret fund to let you break up with your partner. It can happen at any time.

On a similar note, if your partner isn’t ardently attracted to you and you have to beg to have sex with them, move on. That’s usually the first sign that your partner doesn’t really want to be with you.

Above all, the biggest issue people like Kamal have is their desire to fix or save people. It’s not your job to fix people, no matter how much they may make you think otherwise. Truth be told, a lot of Kamal’s woes would be gone if he just stopped that.

It’s weird. Being a jerk is good for short-term flings, but trust me when I say that water tends to find its level there. (And that’s assuming that you get any luck with that approach at all. It’s not attractive.)

So, what does that mean for people like Kamal?

Honestly, you can do everything right and still end up empty-handed in dating. That’s no one’s fault. It’s the result of bad luck, a society filled with people stuck in their own cycle of abuse, unchecked trauma, and more. It sucks, but it’s true.

But wait! There is a silver lining here.

For all the heartbreak, rejection, and disappointment a person like Kamal gets, it’s usually people like him who end up in the happiest, longest-lasting relationships. Why?

Because when a guy like Kamal finally finds someone as decent as himself, there’s nothing those two can’t overcome. Healthy, loving people are built for relationships that last — provided they protect themselves from toxicity, too.