CREEPERS NOT-SO-ANONYMOUS

This is Yuge!

Come work for me, Chris; I need a makeover, and so do you

Dear Chris:

Is it OK to call you Chris? I go way back with your family. I gave a huge hunk of change to your Big Brother’s campaign, for starters. And as I told your bro then, if you’re a star, they let you do it. You can do anything, including that thing that involves a female kitty-cat.

Then there’s the little business about Governor Andy and the bachelor party. I know it was way back in 1990, but even then, I was an advocate for keeping one’s pants zipped, and I told him so at the little gathering.

And you know about me and your Dad, Mario, right? The New York Times reported that by 1989, I was that Cuomo’s largest corporate donor. And I let Pops ogle my second wife, Marla Maples, too. You know, what’s-her-name’s mom. My kid named after the famous jewelry store at 57th and 5th Avenue.

Of course, Marla was just Wife Number Two. Before I got interested again in Eastern European tramps. I’m not so sure I’d let Mario get that good a look at Melania.

But who’s your Daddy? He seemed impressed, nonetheless, Chris. So I’m pretty sure the apple doesn’t fall far from the tree in the sexual harassment forest.

Which leads me to my next point. There is no doubt that I love the ladies. I hear from the Fake News that your Big Brother tried to beat me at my own game. As in ass-grabbing more than one woman. Is it true that Randy Andy has been credibly accused of 15 cases of sexual harassment, ranging from creating a toxic work environment to downright creep-monster behavior?

I don’t know about the Good Governor setting any kind of record, with his goosing, caressing and coochie-cooing. At least 18 women have accused me of behavior like that, some of it even worse on the Chester the Molester Scale.

But that was the ’80s and the ’90s, and for me even the 2000s, Chris. And I want to talk to you about what you can do for me today.

You and I are a lot alike. You went to a great deal of trouble to save Andrew’s political hide. I’m pretty impressed with your willingness to go above and beyond while defending someone who’s so obviously guilty. And who cares about ethics?

You see, I understand the behavior of the Brothers Cuomo. Which is why I think we were made for each other.

You went to the mat to keep the House of Cuomo from collapsing like the creepy House of Cards that it is. And I think you can do the same for the Trailer Park of Trump.

I’m in a bit of a jam, Chris. I may or may not have tested positive for the coronavirus last year. I mean before I told people I had the virus, and almost died.

This so-called “positive test”, and you know that the more you test the more cases you have, came three days before I was scheduled to debate Old Joe. And in the time before our showdown, I could have infected hundreds of people I came in contact with. Including the guy who keeps pretending he beat me.

My defense? Presiduncing is hard, Chris. I had all those hangers-on. Weirdos like Kayleigh “I’ll Never Lie to You” McEnany were crowded into Air Force One, eating all my presidential M&Ms and all. I had rallies. Yes, perhaps the biggest and best ever. I had a Rose Garden reception for that whackadoodle new Supreme Court justice, who I can guarantee didn’t let me near her kitty cat, and I had some people crying in a ballroom and hugging me. I don’t know, Chris. I wouldn’t give a single gold star to individuals like that. So unsanitary!

I know I tend to negotiate most of my verbiage through complicated word salads. But let me lay the roughage on the table, Chris.

I need your help. And now that Big Brother has left government service and you’ve been relieved of your reporting duties, I think you’re just the guy to come to my rescue.

We can go mano-a-mano against the Fake News and win, my man. Because Trump is not a loser. I’m still president, you know. Some say I’ll be back in the Oval any day now. And you can be there with me!

First of all, I like the fact that you ran covert operations. I always wanted to serve, but that foot thing kept me off my feet.

You treated the whole deal like no big deal; sorta like a typical smash-and-grab at the corner candy store.

As a media “presenter” and former network talking head, you probably have more cred in the metaphor department than I. And you even worked for Fox News. I’d say that’s another bonus right there.

And I love the fact that you thought you could game the system and get your bro out of the hella hot water in which he’d so thoroughly immersed himself.

You’ve got cojones my friend. And I’m badly in need of a pair of strong ones these days, since I sacrificed mine on an altar of lies and desperate deception years ago.

You were all-in for Big Brother. And that’s a big plus!

You interviewed your bro on your comfy lil’ show; you strategized with him about how to respond to the all those sexy allegations; you used your considerably well-placed sources to find out in advance if more claims were coming down the pike and if you could dig up dirt on the bearers of that bad news; you wrote statements for your bro and advised the governor’s top staff.

I’d like to know what’s not to like about all that. You did what you had to do.

I have only one thing to say, Chris. Let’s do lunch!

If we work together we’ll pretty much have a win-win sitch. The best thing about all of this recent Cuomo Crap is there are probably a lot of cable-watchers out there who think this stuff happens all the time, so it’s OK. Because, of course, it does. But it only affects the Little People, so who gives a rat’s ass?

You and I were born for this. I just need a way to convince the American People, yet again, that I’m still their guy and I am indeed telling the truth. And you need a job. What a team we would make!

So think about my offer. I don’t pay much, and I probably would never cut you a check anyway.

Yeah, even your former employer says I’m cheap as hell that way. But I know you’ll love the art of this deal when it goes down.

The only thing I’m worried about, though, is the so-called TV funnymen. We’ve both been hammered by late-night hosts. You should click on this link. It’s crazy funny, dude!

All I can say is I’m used to being the “butt” of the joke. For obvious reasons.

I’m all about Reputation Rehabilitation, Chris. So let’s get together. I’ll have my wench call yours, OK?

Your soon-to-be Partner in Crime,

Mango Mussolini The Sire of Mar-a-Stinko