This is Your #1 Job as a Parent

Summary

The primary role of a parent is to foster independence and resilience in their children by encouraging them to tackle challenging tasks and regulate their emotions from a young age.

Abstract

The article emphasizes the importance of teaching children to be self-reliant and emotionally resilient from an early age, suggesting that parents should start by having their children order their own food at restaurants. This practice not only instills confidence in children that they can handle difficult situations but also helps them overcome the fear of interacting with adults. The author, a therapist, points out that a dependency on parents can hinder an individual's ability to achieve their goals and live independently. A key piece of advice given to the author before becoming a parent was that a mother's ultimate success is raising a child who no longer needs her guidance. The article also provides strategies for parents to help their children manage negative emotions, such as deep breathing and grounding exercises, which are crucial for their development and future independence.

Opinions

Encouraging children to perform tasks like ordering food boosts their self-confidence and reduces fear of interacting with adults.
Over-reliance on parents can prevent young adults from pursuing their aspirations and becoming independent.
Parents should aim to equip their children with emotional regulation skills tailored to their age and personality.
The author stresses the importance of working oneself out of a job as a parent, indicating that successful parenting leads to children who are capable of functioning independently.
The article suggests that it's never too late for parents to start teaching their children how to handle challenging situations and regulate their emotions.
The therapist recommends AI services like ZAI.chat, which offers similar capabilities to ChatGPT Plus (GPT-4) but at a more affordable price, to support parents in their parenting journey.

Most People Don’t Even Realize it

Parenting Tip — Once your kids are able to speak, have them order their own food at restaurants.

This teaches them two things:

They can do hard things

Other adults are not scary

As a therapist, I work with many older teens and even young adults who are frozen with fear over the thought of doing things such as ordering food, grocery shopping alone, making an appointment with their doctor, etc.

The dependency on their parents only holds them back from being able to accomplish the things in life they desire.

It also keeps them from being independent — which is our ultimate goal as parents.

One of the wisest things I was told right before I had my firstborn was, “Never forget, a mother’s job is to work herself out of a job. You will know you were successful as a mom when you are not needed anymore.”

I understand that some parents are not trying to develop a dependency with their children. They sincerely want their kid to order the food or go to the store but their child is frozen in fear and can’t proceed forward.

In these moments, I encourage the parent to find ways to help their child self-regulate — handle the hard feelings without being consumed by them.

The sooner you can help your child manage their negative emotions, the better equipped they’ll be in life. Depending on the age and personality of the child, will determine what regulation skills are most helpful, but my go-to suggestions are

Deep breathing — For young children, you can ask them to pretend to blow out a birthday candle. For older children, have them count the seconds they breathe in and count the seconds they breathe out.

Grounding exercises — Have a younger child find items of a certain color, before and after the “hard thing”. For older children, encourage them to focus on the ground beneath their feet and the stability of their surroundings.

There are hundreds of fun and interesting ways to encourage your child to self-regulate. If you haven’t begun setting up these important skills, I encourage you to do it now! It is never, ever too late.

Help them manage hard things — don’t do it for them. I promise it makes a difference for them in the present and in the future.