This Is Why You Think You Don’t Deserve a Healthy Relationship

Why not me? Is it because I’m so broken that I don’t deserve it?

You’ve seen “happy couples” everywhere online. You have tried to be in one for years but always end up with the same ending: heartbroken and mentally exhausted.

Now you start to think, “Why not me? Is it because I’m so broken that I don’t deserve to be loved?”. They say to stay away from broken people. Hurt people, hurt people, right? But you must not be the only one going through this.

And you’re right, you’re not alone. There are many people out there who think they’re so broken that they don’t bother trying to find love anymore. Broken people are everywhere.

I’m not talking about physical injuries here, but those who think they don’t deserve a good, stable and healthy relationship.

They might have ruined past relationships or they’re so used to being in a bad relationship that a good one sounds too good to be true. Broken people are also insecure, being too hard on themselves and having low self-esteem.

One thing they tend to forget is that it’s not permanent, there are still things they can do to change the narrative.

This is why we don’t think we deserve to be loved

All my life I’ve always seen being in a committed relationship equal to being in an endless suffering. People around me are so ready to talk about how much they suffer in life, they feel proud. But it makes them refuse to acknowledge the good things.

They’re skeptical about healthy marriages. “Where’s the catch?” is what they like to say. When you surround yourself with people who think being in a healthy relationship is an illusion, you’ll start thinking the same way too.

Our environment impacts how we think which eventually impacts our beliefs. It impacts what you’re capable of having in life. If you hang out with people who think being cheated on is normal, then you’ll put up with it when it happens to you.

We think we don’t deserve a loving partner because we don’t get used to the stability of a healthy relationship. It’s scary and unfamiliar. You feel like you aren’t ready for it.

Being in a chaotic relationship feels more comfortable, isn’t it? Some people are even addicted to it they don’t want to know what else is out there. If you tell them there’s someone new who can love them better, they won’t believe you.

Simply because they already accept bad relationships are the only option for them. If only they knew how wrong they were.

The elephant in the room

Most of us grew up in a dysfunctional family, and that came with unhealed childhood trauma. But does it mean we can just sit and not do anything about it? Because there’s always that alternative anyway. Why not try something new?

When my father cheated on my mother for the 4th time, I was barely 10. He was a great father but a shitty husband. Every time I saw the way he treated my mother with disrespect, my heart was full of hatred. It still is to this day.

Growing up, I thought all men were like my father. I couldn’t trust any of them. I carried that wound until I was 25. Not only did I get into the wrong relationships but I also had a hard time walking away from them.

Part of me was always trying to normalize it. I told myself, “If I can give this guy more time, maybe he’d change”. But instead of getting to the bottom of it, I kept jumping from one relationship to another — hoping one of them would work out.

And that’s what most broken people do.

Because the truth is, it’s scarier to face your unhealed childhood trauma wounds. They’ve been inside you forever. The idea of digging them and bringing them to the surface is nerve-wracking.

But it has to be done at some point. We can’t avoid it forever. Being aware that we might have jealousy issues or be overly insecure is actually liberating. There’s nothing wrong with admitting those problems are yours and they’re the reasons why you haven’t found a healthy relationship yet.

Just because you’re broken, doesn’t mean you’re unlovable

I’m not saying this to reassure you. Because if you already told yourself you can never be in a healthy relationship, then there’s nothing I can do.

But if you’re still hopeful and ready to work on yourself, I’m here to tell you that you deserve the most loving relationship you could ever imagine.

Just because all of your relationships in the past have failed doesn’t mean your next one won’t be any good.

Breakup sucks and most times, it only adds new wounds on top of your unhealed past wounds. But the good thing about it is that you can always start new. Yes, this isn’t going to be easy but many people have done it, myself included.

First, promise yourself that you’ll do whatever it takes to heal all those past traumas. See it as a perfect time to spend time with yourself. If you’re insecure, work on your confidence by doing things that are outside of your comfort zone.

When you date yourself long enough, you’ll have better standards on how someone should treat you. It’s easier to walk away when you know you’d better off alone anyway.

We often hear the phrase, “We accept the love we think we deserve” but no, we should only accept the love we try to give to everyone else.

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