This Is Why the Narcissist Picked You

They chose you for your strengths, not your weaknesses

You’ve made it out of your relationship with the narcissist and you’re struggling to make sense of it all. Looking at it from a distance, you see it for what it was — a lie. Still, the whole thing boggles you: What happened? How did you fall for it? And, why did you stay?

You feel confused, guilty, and even stupid, so you berate yourself. On top of that, as you open up to others about your story, they drill you as well:

— How could you have let yourself be manipulated like that? You’re not a typical victim. Why were you so weak?

Guess what? You’re not—and you weren’t! You’re already struggling to forgive yourself, and the last thing you need is someone else to catechize your experience.

How do you rationalize falling victim to abuse when you don’t identify with the stereotypical idea of a victim? How do you justify to others—as well as to yourself—that ending up in a relationship like that doesn’t mean that you’re feeble and incompetent?

The narcissist picked you for your strengths

The image of the abuse-victim as meek, inept, and helpless has got to go! Your typical victim doesn’t resemble our society’s narrow view of one, but, instead, tends to be a bright and skilled individual with their life in order.

Some claim that the narcissist doesn’t want it easy, and is looking for a challenge. This might be one reason, but I believe there’s more to it:

The ideal partner, in the eyes of an emotional abuser, possesses a blend of qualities that complement their own. Since the most prevalent characteristics of the narcissist can be pinpointed, so can those of their counterpart.

If you are or have been in a relationship with a full-blown narcissist, chances are you’ll recognize many of these qualities in yourself:

You’re strong

You’ve always been the tough one and you can take a lot—emotionally, and often physically too. This is in part what makes you so attractive to the narcissist. Since they’re well aware of what they have in store for you, your strength and resilience assure them that you won’t pack up and run the moment it gets rough.

Nope, not you! You’re tough as nails. You’re a stayer and a fighter, and that’s exactly what you’ll do: With stoic grace, you’ll shoulder it all and hunker down. You’ll stay and fight — no matter what.

You’re intelligent

The narcissist is often highly intelligent and socially adept, therefore, they seek out a supply to match, or even eclipse them in certain areas. They also go for people whose characteristics they lack and covet, to make up for their own shortcomings.

In addition, they want someone who’ll listen attentively, engage and interact with them about their careers and interests.

Caring about appearances above all, and how they’re perceived by others, is the narcissist’s primary concern. Being seen next to an attractive and capable partner naturally reflects well onto them.

You’re compassionate

Because you’re empathetic—often an empath—you not only relate but feel the narcissist’s pain. You understand the reason behind their wounds and have tremendous compassion for the hardship they’ve been through.

Many narcissists did have difficult childhoods, which is what caused them to develop into one in the first place. As an empath, you struggle to look beyond this whenever they hurt you: They simply can’t help it.

Since nothing is ever their fault, they’ll continue to experience misfortune at the hands of others. Parallel, you’ll excuse their bad behavior based on your sympathy for their adversities.

Because you’re so damn strong, you take it all on and do whatever you can to help them heal and make them feel better.

You’re dependable

When you say you’re going to do something, you will—and when you commit to a relationship, you really commit. A people pleaser by nature, you thrive on helping out and often struggle to say ‘no’. You tend to put others first and feel guilty when you focus too much on yourself.

Most of these are good qualities when surrounded by other empathetic people, but unless you watch out, they can be taken advantage of—not only by the narcissist. You risk taking on too much and spreading yourself too thin, and because you’re also a perfectionist, you don’t half-ass anything but strive for excellence in all areas.

Your selfless dependability makes you an ideal companion for the narcissist; you’ll put them first, carry their load, and you’ll do it with merit.

You seek approval

Your Achilles heel in this dynamic is that you’re likely someone who seeks outside acknowledgment and validation from others. Perhaps you were raised by a parent who lacked empathy or withheld affection and devotion? Perhaps you even grew up with someone with NPD (Narcissistic Personality Disorder) or at least high on the scale?

Whatever the reason, and whether or not you’re obviously lacking self-confidence or esteem, it’s likely that you’ve been wounded in the past, in some way or another. This trauma, in turn, makes you susceptible to narcissistic abuse.

The narcissist will utilize your need for approval—your drug—to hook you. They’ll withdraw and supply it at their will, in order to keep you—their supply—around.

What you perceive as love from them, is nothing but a tool; it’s bait, handfed to you, so that they themselves, will not starve.

You, the person who ended up in a relationship with an abusive narcissist, are not weak by any means. Instead, you possess the sought-after fusion of strength and softness at once.

You’re strong enough to handle the abuse and crazy-making for along time without breaking, and simultaneously forgiving and compassionate enough to let things go. You’re determined and resilient on one hand—understanding and sensitive on the other.

In my case, it took a decade before I accepted that their pain doesn’t entitle them to cause me harm; the abuse they experienced in the past doesn’t make it ok to abuse others.

The narcissist can’t help what they’ve been through, and neither can you, but as adults equipped with the ability to choose, they are in control of their current actions—regardless of how compulsive their behaviors might seem.

Correspondingly, you’re in control only of yourself, and you’re equipped with the ability to choose: You can’t heal or save them, but you can save yourself.

Keep in mind, dear one, that these qualities are your strengths.

Stop beating yourself up. What you experienced doesn’t make you weak, foolish, or ignorant. You are a force to be reckoned with. You’re smart, reflected, loving and kind—and you are worthy of someone who sees you, and someone who’s capable of loving you back.