This Is Why Starting Something Is So Hard

And Why Most People Quit Before They Begin

A few days ago, I came across an interesting Slovenian proverb on Wikipedia. On the topic of beginning something, there was only one entry, and it read simply:

“The threshold is the highest mountain.”

The sentence gave me pause. Not only because it took me a while to understand what it means, but also because, once discerned, it speaks a simple truth: starting something new is one of the hardest things in life. It’s one thing to dream and make plans about starting that new workout routine or becoming hyper-productive by waking up at 5AM. But actually setting foot into the gym or pulling your cozy blanket off when it’s still pitch-black outside is something else entirely.

Experience Is A Cruel Teacher

Ever since I was a teenager I’ve dreamt about learning to play the saxophone. I never got around to it, but I did learn to play the guitar, which puts me in a strange position: I know how much practice it takes to learn to play an instrument in a way that doesn’t unintentionally crash windows or give the old lady next door a heart attack. I know that to get really good, you have to focus on that instrument and nothing else. In a sense, I know what the road to mastering the instrument looks like because I’ve already been down that road.

20 years later, I still have the desire to learn. And yet, after all these years and all the knowledge I’ve amassed by learning to play the guitar, I can’t muster the will to start learning a new instrument. I always manage to come up with excuses, most of which are so common they could be in the dictionary set as examples. There isn’t enough time. It will be too loud for the neighbours. It will take a long time to actually start enjoying it. And on it goes…

I’ve often wondered why the excuses take over, but I’ve never been able to figure out the reason why I simply don’t just start.

The Fear Of Failure

After reading the old proverb, it finally hit me. It’s not because I lack the time, resources or the enthusiasm. It is because I am afraid. Afraid that I will invest my time into something that I might lose interest in or that I will never be able to find enough time to learn how to play properly. Afraid that once I start, the idea of what it is like to know how to play the sax will come crashing down in a great blazing ball of fire. I am afraid that I will simply give up. Afraid that I will fail.

The fear of failure is something we’ve all experienced and it is often the only thing that keeps us from doing the things that we want to do. And while it may seem like a stupid excuse to the outside world, there are complicated psychological reasons that make it so powerful.

In The Courage To Be Disliked, authors Ichiro Kishimi and Fumitake Koga explain in a series of fictional dialogues that the fear of failure is so potent because humans like to dwell in the realm of possibility. Before I’ve even taken the first step to picking up the sax, I have this dream in my head what it would be like to play the instrument effortlessly, to flow between melodies and rhythm without thinking, to churn out sweet notes that would serenade the most savage beasts. I watch people on YouTube do exactly that with their instruments and the praise they receive for having mastered their musicianship. In my dream I know I could be like that, if only I set my mind to it. That’s the realm of possibility.

The other part of my mind tells me that I might never be as good as them. I might never learn to play the thing properly, always remaining mediocre and unworthy of not only any recognition, but also never being satisfied with myself. This is the realm of fear. It tells me that once I’ve stepped through the threshold of starting, the realm of possibility will disappear and all that will be left will be the realm of fear, the painful era of learning and failing, relearning and failing again. As Kichimi and Koga put it, humans like to dwell in the realm of possibility because they like to keep their options open. Once you start, there is no turning back — you either succeed or you fail. The option of dreaming about succeeding is preferable to the reality of failing.

My subconscious mind prefers to stay safe. And, so I make the excuses that prevent me from starting — so long as I have the excuse of not finding enough time, I can stay safe from the cruel failures that no doubt await me on the path of learning. This automatically creates tension between what I want to do and between what I am actually doing (or not doing) and causes a sense of psychological pain and discomfort.

The Fear Of Being Disliked

The other reason for the fear of failure is the fear of what others will think. In a nutshell, it is the fear of disappointing others. Humans are a tribal species, we have a natural tendency to forge friendships, pacts and alliances with other tribe members, to protect ourselves from the others. When thinking about something as banal as learning to play a new instrument, I get feelings of anxiety thinking about what the people closest to me would think — will I seem stupid to my friends and family? Will they make fun behind my back? Will they tell me to spend my time on something more useful?

The need for praise and recognition is one of the oldest traits of our civilisation and while beneficial where it matters, it can often be the reason that prevents us from starting something new.

To break free of this, if we truly care about starting something, it should be only because it feels beneficial to us and us alone (so long as it’s not illegal). What others think is completely unimportant. If we are doing (or refraining from doing) something by putting other people’s interests before ours, we are really just living their idea of life and not our own. This has nothing to do with kindness. You can still be kind to others but put your personal interests before anything else. Think about it this way: When you lay on your dying bed, will you regret the fact that Bobby from next door never learned to play the guitar well? Or will you regret that you didn’t do something you wanted to? Exactly.

Conclusion

Once I understood that the two things preventing me from starting learning to play the sax were the subconscious need to stay the comfortable realm of possibility and the fear of what others may think, it became clear that the only choice I have to make is this: finally start or simply let go of the idea entirely. And with that, understand that it was just that — an idea.

Whatever decision I take is okay. If I start and along the way figure out that the reality isn’t as important to me as the idea itself was, then I can let it go and focus on something else. If I decide to let go and never start in the first place, I will have made peace with myself and the tension will be gone. Or I might become the next Clarence Clemons.

Either way, I will have conquered the mountain of the threshold and it’s all just downhill from there.