This Is Why She’s Turning Down Oral Sex

Guys, you’re asking the wrong way

I love receiving oral sex.

I know that doesn’t put me in any kind of special category, but I need to say that up front because this post is about the times I turned it down.

I never did it because I thought it wouldn’t be enjoyable. I’ve had my fair share of bad sex, but I can’t think of a single time when getting my pussy eaten wasn’t worth it.

I also never turned it down because I wanted to do some other stuff. I never skipped oral, even during a quickie, and I don’t think I ever will.

No, every single time I turned it down, it’s because of the way it was asked. Because the question implied it would be a chore, not a treat.

Three Guys Who Asked the Wrong Way

I’m going to skip over the guys who didn’t bother asking because they just dove in between my legs and licked my pussy. Those dudes all get an automatic gold star.

I’m also going to eliminate the guys who didn’t go down on me and didn’t offer to go down on me. That includes the guy who wrote me dirty emails detailing the ways he would eat me out but didn’t use his mouth at all when we hooked up.

That leaves three guys. They weren’t the only ones who asked me if I wanted oral sex, but they are the ones who probably asked in the worst ways.

Guy #1: My Impromptu Wedding Date

One guy was an old boyfriend I hadn’t seen in a few years. Then, we attended the same wedding and I hooked up with him because few things make me as emotional and excited as matrimony.

While we were undressing each other, he asked if I wanted him to “do the thing you never let me do before.”

He meant going down on me.

He also had a very different version of past events than I did. He somehow remembered me refusing oral sex. What really happened is that he showed very little interest in my pleasure, including not once trying to lick me or even implying that he wanted to.

His question left me more confused than turned on.

Guy #2: My Most Selfish Partner

I wrote before about an abusive relationship I was in for a few months.

To those who read the story, it will probably come as no surprise that he only ever used his tongue to mock and belittle me.

He pressured me relentlessly to do things I didn’t want to do. One night, when he was trying to talk me into swallowing, I got frustrated and asked, “Well what do I get out of it?”

He smirked and said, “So, you want me to go down on you?” in an amused tone, like I was asking something ridiculous of him. (This, from the guy who insisted I should give him my ass when it was still in pain from the last time he abused it).

I felt embarrassed by the way he put it, so I immediately backpedalled. I muttered something like “Maybe… I don’t know…”

I never brought it up again, and neither did he.

Guy #3: Mr. Dull Foreplay

This last guy wasn’t a big part of my life the way the first two were. He was more of a hookup. But he came the closest to asking directly, and it still went nowhere.

While he was fingering me, he asked “Do you like it when guys use their fingers or do you want me to use my mouth?”

I was still young back then and not entirely confident, so I said “I’m not sure,” planning to work my way up to a “yes, please!”

I didn’t have the chance. He responded immediately with “Oh, that’s okay, we won’t do it then.”

I could hear the relief in his voice.

The Right Way to Ask if You Can Go Down on Her

When I met my husband, a lot of things changed in my life. And this is one of them.

The man I would eventually marry was (and still is) a big fan of pussy — looking at it, fingering it, fucking it, and yes, eating it.

Before I met him, I could never count on getting oral sex. I always wanted it, but it didn’t always happen. And I didn’t have the confidence to ask for it yet.

Since meeting him, it’s been a given. Not just with him, but also with all the guys and girls we hooked up with. I don’t know if it’s because Mr. Austin sets the right kind of tone about these things or if it’s because I’ve become choosier since I settled down, but they have all eagerly pushed my legs apart and lapped their tongues against me.

Mr. Austin doesn’t ask anymore if I want him to go down on me (he knows the answer). But he did in those early days.

He was the first guy who asked me without getting turned down.

And it’s because he was the first to ask me in a way that turned me on.

He phrased the question like he was asking for permission to do it, not like he was asking for permission to skip it.

There was no reluctance on his part. He was just checking in to make sure I was comfortable.

And boy was I ever.

Show Your Excitement

The way guys used to ask if they could go down on me made didn’t make me feel desired.

They asked with indifference to whether I would say yes, or they sounded like they really wanted me to say no.

Sometimes, the way they phrased the question made me self-conscious. Because of the way people talk about women’s bodies, I came into my sexual self with quite a few hang-ups about my own. I know I’m not alone. Women who are confident about and comfortable with their bodies seem to be the exception rather than the rule.

And guys always said they “love pussy” but they made it clear it wasn’t the same way they loved tits. Tits, they wanted to look at. Tits, they wanted to lick and fondle. But pussy? They just talked about fucking it.

Because of all that social conditioning, I needed some reassurance when I was hooking up with someone. I’d go into every hookup assuming there is a good chance they think my pussy — pussy in general, really — was ugly, or maybe even downright gross.

Unless they made me think they really wanted it, I wasn’t about to push their heads down.

Other times, I insisted I didn’t need it because I felt bad for “making” them do it. Usually, it was because they gave me some sort of signal that indicated it was something they’d do, but only if I insisted.

I’m not writing this article for the guys who don’t want to go down on their partners. If that’s not their jam, that’s fine. They can find a partner for whom that’s not a deal breaker.

I’m writing it for the guys I keep reading about who are perplexed that their girlfriends turn them down when they ask to give them oral sex.

It’s possible their partners aren’t into it. It’s possible they just really aren’t interested in trying or they feel weird about having someone so close to that part of their body.

But the first thing I want to ask them is, “Well, how did you ask?”

Did you ask like it was an ice cream cone you desperately wanted permission to lick?

Or did you ask like it was a chore you were hoping to get out of doing?

Because in my experience, one of the big reasons a woman turns down oral sex is because her partner isn’t asking for it in a way that shows just how bad he wants to taste her.

So, the next time you ask, show some excitement. You’re guaranteed to get better results. Even if she turns you down, she’ll at least feel better about herself and about her body.

I wrote this after reading Shannon Ashley’s “Why Is It So Hard For Me To Ask For Oral Sex.” She got me thinking of all the oral sex that could have happened but didn’t. Read her article. It’s well worth your time.

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