This Is What You Should Say To Grieving Parents

It isn’t easy to find the words, so let me help you

Every year, there is one day that makes it hard for me to breath — the anniversary of my son’s death. Friends and family want to reach out to me during this time, but they don’t know what to say. How do you show your love and sympathy for such a tragic loss?

Below, I will share words that have helped me and those that didn’t.

I’m Sorry For Your Loss

Death is taboo. We don’t talk about it, so when it comes up, we feel upset and awkward. “I’m sorry for your loss” is the default that most of us go for when responding to grieving parents.

I appreciate an acquaintance acknowledging my loss in this way. I would cherish a more personal response from people who know me well.

These are words of sympathy that resonated with me.

• “I heard that Anthony died. I’m sad, and I know you are, too. Could you use a hug?”

What’s great about this response is that they used my child’s name, they shared their emotions while acknowledging mine, then offered to comfort me. I accepted the hug, and it helped.

• “I am devastated and can’t imagine how you feel. Would you like to talk about Baby Anthony with me?”

Because of the taboo surrounding death — especially infant death — I felt like I was doing something wrong by talking about my son. I would only bring him up on his birthday. I still felt guilty because I didn’t want to make my friends sad.

The friend that offered space for me to talk about Anthony gave me an incredible gift. I want to talk about my child! All I have are memories, and sharing them gives him life for a little while.

Let Me Know if I Can help?

This phrase isn’t terrible, but it isn’t meaningful. I was not in a place to reach out for help. I didn’t even know what needed. If you genuinely wish to help, these are two ways to approach it that are meaningful.

• “What can I do to help you? What do you need?”

This is a good starting point if you aren’t sure what your loved one needs.

If all else fails, provide everyday human needs.

• “You need to rest and eat, so I’m making food for you. Do you like lasagna?”

Eating was the last thing on my mind, but my friend was so eager to help me that I accepted her offer. She brought the food, drink, plates, chips, a tablecloth, and utensils. She laid them out on the table, added a vase of flowers, and kissed my cheek.

• “It’s all disposable. Throw it away when you’ve finished eating. I’ll bring you something else tomorrow.”

The comfort food and presence of my friend warmed my heart. She also provided a need I would have been likely to ignore.

They Are in A Better Place

A derivative of this is they have no more pain or have escaped the cruelty of life.

This one is a big no for me. I didn’t particularly appreciate hearing it, and I felt guilty for feeling that way. It took years for me to work out why.

Eventually, I realized that — though well-meaning — this phrase indicated that the most devastating time of my life was favorable. I do try to find a silver lining in most negative situations. However, I didn’t need one for my son’s death.

Keep in mind that not everyone believes in an afterlife.

Registered Nurse, Angela Morrow has this advice on what you shouldn’t say to grieving parents;

What Not to Say

Equally as important as what to say is what not to say, such as:

• Don’t say you know how the bereaved parent feels.
• Never say, “Well, it must have been for the best,” or “It was God’s will.” Trying to make sense of loss in these ways can make the grieving parents feel like you’re minimizing their child’s death.
• Never say, “She’s in a better place now.” That might bring you comfort if you believe in heaven, but it might not provide comfort to a grieving parent, who is in the worst possible place on earth.
• Don’t trivialize your loved one’s story by telling one of your own. This is their time to grieve, so keep the focus on them.
• Don’t mention a timeline for grief or the stages of grief. Grief doesn’t follow a timeline or move through predictable stages.

You Are Both Better Off

I don’t think this is something most people would say to grieving parents. Yet, once people learned my son was born with a congenital disability, it wasn’t unusual to hear a derivative of the better off response. I listened to all of these;

• “You are both being spared from a lifetime of surgeries and pain.”
• “At least you’ll both be spared suffering through his health problems.”
• “You saved money on abortion. I wouldn’t want to wipe somebody’s ass for the rest of their life.”

How You Can Help

I’ll sum this up with a few tips for helping grieving parents inspired by a blog post by Abigail Carter.

1. Show up

To the grieving, it often seems as if friends disappear just when you need them most. Merely showing up and listening is all that’s required.

2. Listen

Even if you’ve heard the death story repeatedly, keep listening. Grief is a process, and talking about it is the way through it.

3. Anticipate needs

I covered this before, but I want to reiterate it here. Anticipating needs is a must. Grief encompasses every thought process, and things like mowing the lawn fall to the wayside. Think about what your loved one needs and provide it as best you can.

4. Self-Care

Helping a grieving person takes a lot of strength. While it may seem like your exhaustion should be overlooked for the grieving parents in your life, remember that you are important, too. To be there for others, you must take care of yourself.

As a grieving parent of 19 years, I want to thank you for taking the time to read this article. I hope that it helps you connect to your loved ones.

Resources

https://abigailcarter.com/blog/11-tips-to-help-a-grieving-parent

https://whatsyourgrief.com/what-should-i-say-to-someone-grieving/

https://www.verywellhealth.com/what-do-i-say-to-a-grieving-parent-1132551

https://www.funeralwise.com/grief/child/

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