This Is What Happens When You Stop Talking About Yourself in Conversations
A two day experiment will teach you how to be more likable and connect with people that were previously out of your reach.
Always talking about ourselves is our default state and it’s exhausting. It’s what almost everybody is doing.
If you look at how you write, you’ll notice a lot of “I” present in your story or social media post. You can go to a networking event and meet new people. Watch how many of the people you talk to attempt to level up each person in the conversation to tell a better or more interesting story.
Person One: “I remember working for a bookstore and meeting Tim Ferriss.”
Person Two: “I remember talking to a guy who was the sixth employee of Facebook and got a cheque for millions when they IPO’d.”
Person Three: “Well I remember meeting a billionaire and her taking me back to her house to see her Ferrari collection while sipping 120-year-old wine.”
Each person in these business networking conversations tries to level up the next person, like they’re playing Super Mario and it’s a race to fight Bowser.
This game of leveling up happens in social media too — which is the newer form of talking about yourself and trying to sound smart, while building some intangible thing the coaches call a ‘brand.’ (My name is Tim Denning and I’m not a Lambo with a badge on it to market my top speed.)
The temptation to always talk about ourselves is a new tradition like Black Friday without the cheap sales. It’s hurting our conversations and over-inflating our egos.
Experiment: I tried to go two days without talking about myself in every conversation to see what would happen. Would it make a difference? Would people notice? What would it do to relationships? This is what happens when you stop talking about yourself.
People feel you’re interested in them
By not talking about yourself all the time, all that’s left is to hear from the person you’re talking to. Without interrupting them to broadcast more of yourself, you are forced to be interested in what they have to say.
You hear every detail of their story.
You learn more from them because of the increased listening.
You start to notice things you didn’t notice before.
The person you’re talking to loves it too because as you’ve realized by now, people love talking about themselves. They just can’t wait to get the microphone and tell you all about what they like doing and what they’ve achieved. And by not talking about yourself, you’re giving them center stage and they love it without realizing it.
There is something to be said about being interested in people. If you’ve struggled with that subtle art, then stop talking about yourself like I did, as a radical experiment, and see what happens.
The world feels a little less noisy
Thinking about what to say is exhausting. When you don’t talk about yourself, the noise dissipates. You find a new sense of clarity and you interpret the world differently.
The relationship reaches another level
By not talking about myself in conversations, I noticed relationships reached a higher level in less time. It was suddenly easier to form a bond with a customer, or new friend, or work colleague.
When they asked me questions, I diverted the attention back to them. A relationship was built in less time because I understood their view of the world and the problems they faced by listening. That allowed me, after the experiment ended, to be more helpful.
You ask more questions
If you’re not talking about yourself in a conversation, the only way to engage in a conversation is to ask questions. After a day of the experiment, you realize how good you get at asking questions.
“Tell me more about…”
“What did that feel like?”
“What was their reaction?”
“Did that scare you just a bit?”
“What did your family think?”
“Would you do it again?”
There are so many ways to progress a conversation with questions when you remove yourself from the agenda.
You stop trying to think of what to say next and listen
A lot of our time spent in conversations is taken up by trying to work out what to say next and draw from our experience. When you shut that part of your brain off — that always wants to think of what to say next to impress somebody — you listen intently.
I realized at the end of the experiment that it’s hard work to think about yourself all the time and the quality of listening when you follow that default habit is terrible. What the other person is saying goes in one ear and out the other with very little comprehension.
It feels like therapy — and therapy feels good
While battling mental illness and getting professional help, I realized how good it feels to have someone listen to you the entire time and never insert their own thoughts, experiences, or achievements into the conversation.
I can remember some therapy sessions where the psychologist didn’t say anything at all and just listened and took notes. It was freeing and it felt good.
When you remove yourself from the conversation and focus on the other person, you’re channeling some of the magic psychologists use to cure mental illness, and that is incredibly powerful.
You become uncommon and therefore spoken about
It’s not normal to never talk about yourself. Look at Keanu Reeves or Joaquin Phoenix. They hate talking about themselves yet they are spoken about immensely because of it. Not talking so much is unusual and that’s interesting.
People want to get to know you
The addictive nature of being heard, I found during this experiment, caused me to be introduced to more people than usual. People wanted to have a chat and often didn’t know why. The person referring them didn’t know why either.
Not talking about yourself is this weird superpower. It’s invisible and people don’t know what you’re doing.
They barely notice your silence, and complete and utter focus on them and their life. This makes people want to get to know you. And so your network expands as a result. You get to do life with more people.
You are more influential in the conversation
The person who talks less often has more power. The mistake we make in business all the time is underestimating the quiet person in the back of the room who is just listening.
It’s not the loudest person in the room that can’t shut up who holds the influence; it’s the person who is disciplined enough to talk the least and listen to gain insight.
So after not talking about myself at all in conversations for two days as an experiment, there were many insights. It took a lot of discipline and helped me see how certain world leaders I’d heard about channel this uncommon trait of talking less and making conversations about the people they’re speaking with rather than their achievements.
The experiment is not over yet, either. I want to practice talking less, removing myself in conversations and maximizing opportunities to be humble.
If you haven’t already, see what happens when you stop talking about yourself all the time. The results are surprising and will help you become more likable and connect with a larger number of phenomenal people.