Summary

Nia Simone McLeod shares her journey of self-love through the practice of connecting with her inner child to validate her feelings and meet her own needs, rejecting the external validation she once sought through people-pleasing.

Abstract

Nia Simone McLeod, a writer on a self-love journey, discusses the transformative power of inner-child work as a tool for self-validation and self-care. She acknowledges her lifelong struggle with people-pleasing and the alienation she felt growing up, which led her to suppress her true self. By actively checking in with her inner child and asking what is needed in the moment, McLeod has been able to prioritize her authentic needs and emotions, thus breaking the cycle of seeking external approval. This practice has helped her to recognize her inherent worthiness, independent of external achievements or societal expectations. McLeod emphasizes that self-love is an ongoing process and that worthiness is not a distant goal but a present state of being.

Opinions

The author believes that self-love is a journey that involves rejecting the habit of people-pleasing and learning to validate one's own feelings and needs.
She suggests that asking simple questions like "What do you need right now?" or "Are you tired?" can prevent overthinking and help address one's immediate needs.
McLeod points out that societal pressures, especially as a woman, often prioritize roles such as being a wife or mother over self-love and personal validation.
The author expresses that the pandemic provided her with an opportunity for introspection, which was crucial for her self-discovery and healing process.
She advocates for the importance of self-compassion and self-awareness, emphasizing that everyone deserves to be treated with kindness and understanding, especially by themselves.
McLeod concludes that worthiness is not contingent on external successes but is an intrinsic quality that one must recognize and nurture.

SELF LOVE

This Is The #1 Tool I’ve Used During My Self-Love Journey

After a lifetime of invalidation, this practice helped me understand that I’ve always been worthy of love.

I’m an expert in the ancient art of people-pleasing. Since childhood, I’ve minimized my genuine thoughts and feelings to avoid conflict with friends, family, and strangers.

My true essence is opinionated and strong-willed. I see my essence in passing when I’m bending over backward to extinguish a conflict before it even starts — but it doesn’t stick. Over the past year, I’ve been practicing a tool that’s helping me value my authentic self for the first time.

This is What Has Helped Me Rebuild My Self-Love

The most effective tool I’ve used throughout my journey is constantly checking in with my inner child. I ask them, “What do you need right now?” Sometimes I’ll get specific like, “Are you tired?” or “Are you thirsty?”

Then, I go get that thing with as little judgment or criticism as possible. This gives me less of a chance to second guess myself.

As someone who suffers from anxiety, my train of thoughts can spiral downward quickly. The simple question “Are you tired?” can lead to an elaborate discussion about how eternal fatigue is a side effect of our dystopian capitalistic society.

Soon, it’s 2 hours later, my eyes are twitching with exhaustion, and my mood has dipped from hate-watching vlogs from rich YouTubers. My needs, still, aren’t met.

Instead, I instinctively force myself to take a quick five-minute break or take a nap depending on my tiredness. I know my habits, so I act accordingly to stop them. It doesn’t work 100% of the time but it’s saved me a lot of heartaches.

Whenever I feel an intense emotion, I remind myself that it’s okay to feel those feelings, fully. I’m not used to that validation, so it does feel odd. I’m still working through a deeply-rooted yearning for outside validation.

Why I Said No to People Pleasing

Growing up, I felt alienated as a shy, dark-skinned Black girl living in a predominately white town. People have always taken it upon themselves to pick apart my appearance and personality. I’ve been called a thousand different things: “weird”, “awkward”, “Oreo”, “strange”, “ugly”, “boring”.

I started people-pleasing at an early age. I desperately wanted to be accepted and I was willing to do anything to get people to like me. In some ways, it worked. But, I always felt like I was acting. It subconsciously reiterated the thought that I, my true self, wasn’t enough to be loved.

That inner monologue’s been stalking me throughout middle school, high school, college, and post-grad life. At 2-freakin’-5 years old, my inner child is constantly begging to know that she’s not weird, that her feelings are valid.

During the early days of the pandemic, I spent a lot of time looking inward. After the initial shock of the social isolation wore off, I found different ways to spend my time. I meditated, journaled, reread old journals, and just sat — alone.

I needed the pause. I’d spent my life performing roles for other people, people-pleasing. I didn’t know who I was. I hadn’t ever sat with myself and asked, “What do I really want?”

I learned about inner-child work online and started to incorporate it into my daily life, slowly. Envisioning a child helps me talk to myself with the unconditional love and compassion that I’ve always wanted. I’ve found that I’m predisposed to talk to children in a kinder way than I talk to adults.

I deserve that gentleness. I deserve that softness, valuing myself over everything else. As a woman, especially getting older, I’ve felt so much pressure to become a wife and mother. Yet, no one teaches you how to love and value yourself.

Before I even consider becoming a wife or mother, I want to learn to provide myself with the love and appreciation that I’ve always deserved. I want to know myself from the inside out, be my biggest advocate, believe in myself, and live in my truth. I also want to give myself the grace to grow and change.

Conclusion

The main lesson that I’m realizing, by prioritizing my inner child, is that worthiness isn’t a destination, it’s a state of being.

In this cycle of self-improvement, it can be easy to move the goal post after every win, stating that “After I do X, I’ll finally be enough.” But, I want to remind myself, constantly, that I’m always worthy of respect, love, and care despite my emotions of the moment. Just being is enough.

Disclaimer: This article is solely for informational purposes and represents the writer’s personal opinion. Please seek professional advice if required.

Nia Simone McLeod is a writer who’s just trying to make sense of this weird, beautiful world. And oh yeah — she’s got a newsletter too; because doesn’t every writer have a newsletter these days?

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