This Is My Way to Deal With Constant Self-Hate

A tyrant has been living inside my head for years

“You useless piece of shit. I had very low expectations from you, but you still surprised me with your incompetence. Congratulations, here’s your Loser of the Week award. Now, go sit in the corner and rot in there!”

If somebody talked to me this way, I would turn around in the middle of their rant and left them alone with their arrogance. Regardless of their social status, there is no excuse for this behavior. However, it wasn’t always like this. As a natural people-pleaser, I had to cultivate my sense of self-esteem and dignity. I have always treated people with the utmost respect but learned to demand the same respect as I grew older.

Unless it’s my inner voice talking. When my tyrannical side switches on, I’m in for the ride.

We all have to fight our inner voices; they deliver ruthless criticism every chance they get. But after talking to many friends, I realized not everybody has such a vile hate-spitter residing in their head. He always finds a novel and savvy way to undermine any of my achievements and laugh at my failures.

I always wonder how I can be so willing to help and support my peers, but at the same time so hostile towards myself? How did I become so resourceful in the self-hate department?

It has to be a subconscious reaction based on deep childhood trauma. Whenever I ride the wave of success or bathe in the tub of failure, something switches on and the cruel Jan takes the reins over my consciousness.

But is it true?

I’ve always approached this problem as a humble observer knowing it affects my life and relationship with other people. After going through a turbulent two-year period I’ve realized the whole time I knew what I was doing to myself.

It is a conscious practice

I have made several huge decisions this year, which could still shift the course of my life — I quit my full-time job in the middle of a pandemic, after years of hiding in the shadows I started blogging, I have set off to a journey with only one boss — myself.

With the 30th birthday approaching, (maybe) I’ve become an adult. I am proud of myself for taking the leap of faith and trusting the universe.

However, taking control of my life didn’t shut down the inner critic. For instance, we agreed with my first client on my copywriter’s rate, but when I got home, right away, I started to offend myself for not demanding more, even though the reward was generous.

When I was down, this sorcerer stepped in to worsen the pain, and when I’m on top he drags me down to the abyss. Good or bad, he can do his magic on any playing field. It almost seems like torturing myself is my favorite leisure activity.

Hi, my name is Jan and in my spare time I love to run, train jiujitsu, I read lot of books, I often hang out with my friends, but most of all I love to torture myself.

It hit me straight in the face — it is a conscious practice.

After all those years I have programmed myself to cultivate an inner negative ethos. As with any practice, I got better and better until I reached a phase when I can dig up the dirt even in the moments of glory.

Self-tyranny has become a habit I got accustomed to.

Acknowledgment

Every change requires the courage to tell yourself the hard truth. A truth so painful with the potential to rip your guts out. The one that scares you the most.

I accepted the reality that I’m doing it consciously and voluntarily. In a perverted form, I enjoy to undermine myself. It is a defense mechanism since it is easier to play a victim card than taking life as it goes — enjoy the success and learn from the failure.

This realization hurt.

Meditation and journaling helped to improve my state of mind. But also long, tearful stares into a mirror or screams. The glorified mindfulness practices really work, but sometimes they’re not enough, sometimes you need to let the steam off, to let the beast have its shout.

But the haven proved to be long-distance running and jiujitsu training, both physically very demanding sports. They are essential in keeping the devil in shackles.

But to be clear, it’s not about swapping the mental torture for the physical one. It’s about feeling alive when the body and mind work in synergy. It’s about making my whole entity focused on the moment. Because when I run miles and miles or grapple for life with an opponent, I’m present.

There’s nothing else in the world but now.

When I hated myself in the moments of success and joy, it was because I have let my mind slip into the past and immediately started to ruminate on it. I wasn’t there with my success. When I hated myself for my failures, it was because I have already wandered into the future and played out plenty of scenarios on how I’ll never recover.

Various ways to be in the present moment, be it physical activity or meditation and journaling, have proved to be the medicine for my self-torture. Because when the mind is immersed in presence, it doesn’t have time to come up with all the mischief.

I would like to emphasize: this is my story and my way to deal with inner demons.

Some people deal with uncomparably worse conditions; there are people with serious mental issues who need professional help. Everybody dealing with such concerns has my utmost respect and prayers.