This Is How Your Dismissive Avoidant Partner Feels When the Relationship Is Over

It might shock you

I bet you’ve been in a relationship with an avoidant or are the dismissive-avoidant person in a past relationship.

Unfortunately, when I write, I see different comments from people who have had the experience.

“Run before you even think to give them a chance.”

“The best way to date an avoidant is to avoid meeting them.”

I understand where those thoughts come from.

Remember, I write for those locked in and working on transitioning toward a secure attachment style.

I also write for those looking to understand behaviors and what is in the mind of someone with a specific attachment style.

Any grace you can give yourself or this person comes with understanding the psychology and mindset of the avoidant.

People consciously display negative behavior, which is somewhat true.

These conscious choices come from a subconscious display of behaviors learned well before the avoidant reaches adulthood.

While we unlearn negative behaviors, we should know the cycle when navigating emotions.

Attachment style is at the core of what affects our interpersonal and romantic relationships.

What happens when those relationships are on the rocks?

I’ll divert from my normal method of writing so you understand what the avoidant is thinking.

The cycle

Woosah

I bet you feel like your avoidant partner couldn’t care less that the relationship is ending.

You feel like they’re living their best life, and the relationship was the only thing in the way of that.

It feels personal and can seem like they never cared about you.

I have good news and bad news for you.

The good news is that they do care about the relationship.

The bad news is that the feeling hasn’t hit them because they are in the first stage of the breakup. The first stage is the relief stage.

How can they care but also be relieved the relationship is over?

The relief they feel is not necessarily toward you and some newfound happiness now that you’re out of the picture.

Dismissive avoidants feel the weight and responsibility of the heavy parts of a relationship: vulnerability, conflict resolution, etc.

The relief they feel is the distance they can put between themselves and the weight of those problems.

I know it sounds wild, but a big part of the “ease” of a breakup for the avoidant is more about removing those problems than removing the person from their life.

I am not saying this is ok, but remember, we are exploring the psychology of the breakup.

Avoidants can live in this stage for quite some time.

Why?

The avoidants value their independence, and it becomes their “comfort zone.”

The avoidant does not like thinking of needing things from others, so they revert to independence.

Doing things alone feels empowering because the avoidant thinks no one can feel let down by them.

Avoidants feel the responsibility of failure in a relationship, but it does not register to them the same way as it does to you.

For example, have you ever got into a tiff with a partner, and in your mind, there is an easy way to resolve the problem?

In the avoidant mind, they feel like they have failed you and the relationship, and it’s a scarlet letter in their name.

What do people do when they feel shame? They hide.

That sense of failure is hard to remove from an avoidant’s mind.

When you go to the breakup, what do you think the avoidant does in the independent stage?

It might look like they are living their best life, unaffected by the breakup.

What you don’t see is that this person is hiding.

Remember all the activities or distractions they had before you existed, and now they resurface after the relationship? They’re hiding behind those activities. The unfortunate part is that this can last for weeks or months.

But

The tables turn.

Eventually, the avoidant realizes that the value they see in their independence isn’t a stable life.

At their core, an avoidant wants to open up and trust the things they fear.

That trust came from the relationship that they had with you.

When they start to miss the relationship and move past the stage of wanting their independence, they have a stark realization.

Their partner wasn’t the problem.

They will look back and see the value you brought to their life, and when the person has moved on and healed, you see them resurface.

I don’t want you to use this article as a reason to throw it in your ex’s face or as an excuse to plead to get your partner back.

Part of learning about attachment theory and different attachment styles is to give you an understanding when you see traits, characteristics, and behaviors within yourself or in a partner.

No, it does not heal all wounds to have an understanding, but it does strip that sense of failure you feel is personal.

Want to learn about the triggers that cause dismissive avoidants to shut down? Get a free guide here.

Do you have a question or a story you want to share with me? Reach out to me on Instagram for a coaching session. Here.