This Is How to Deal With the Beautiful Constraint That Is Family Life

Because it is a constraint on your time and freedom

I love my family, even the cat that my partner and sons wanted (not me). And I could write at length about them. But today, I want to share how I deal with the constraint because family life is a constraint for all of its members (even for the cat).

I see it as living in a smaller scale society, very comparable to the one we all share outside. And, unless you’re the cat, living in a society means that you can’t always do what you want (for example, having a nap in the middle of the day) and that you’ve got to pay taxes (clean up after yourself and others) to make it work for everybody.

“Freedom is what we do with what is done to us.” — Sartre

This is how I deal with the most beautiful constraint you can imagine: family life.

Find Ways to Combine Pleasure and Obligations.

You want to get these 10,000 steps in the day; it’s good for you after all (and it would be good for the cat to move some more, but that’s not your call). And maybe part of these steps could be done running? That sounds like something I would enjoy!

But you need to bring the kids to school (or pick them up, depending on the deal you made with your partner). Or maybe pick them up from their playdate? (on a side note, thank God for playdates).

It’s high time to look ridiculous and walk to school in your running gears (or run to the playdate place). That’s time spent together with your kids and physical exercise for everybody. They’ll try to run away from you at first, because “you look strange, I’m shy to walk with you”; but, in the end, they’ll get used to it and even brag about it with their friends “you know that my dad is running every day?”

If Everybody but You Wants a Cat, Then Get a Cat.

Family might not be a democracy, but sometimes you’ve got to agree with the majority and get a cat.

However, when decisions have long term impacts, everybody needs to understand that they’re not ‘for free.’

Long term impacts mean that the existing schedule needs accommodations. Having a cat is a new source of fun, games, and furry-love; it also comes with (a lot of) new responsibilities.

So, we listed the corresponding tasks and made clear from the beginning who would be in charge (namely, not me). I also negotiated compensation (a day off from my garbage schedule) because:

• Even though I’m not on the schedule (and don’t want to be on it), I know that I’ll have to clean the litter box at times.
• It’s a good habit to have; making compromises are part of family (and society) life.

Learn to Appreciate New Ideas and Activities.

“Humanity is constantly advancing, but humans remain the same.” — Goethe

Kids make you, sometimes painfully, aware of that. They’re conservative and radical at the same time. They bring new ideas and new perspectives on old topics. They’re also very attentive to follow social norms, particularly if it consists of doing exactly the opposite.

Starting new things is consubstantial to being a kid. As an adult, it’s easy to forget how difficult starting so many new things simultaneously is.

A good reminder and a nice way to bond with kids is to start an activity together. Even better if they’ve got a head start and can teach you something (on top of humility). My example isn’t very original; I started learning horseback riding with them.

They’re already more advance and are helping me to prepare for theoretical exams. My new definition for sweet and sour is, seeing how happy they’re to make fun of my poor capabilities with horses.

Smile and Say It With a Smile, Especially When You Don’t Want To.

(I’m talking about small things that, although they shouldn’t, are bizarrely escalating. Not actual life-size drama.)

If you can’t say it with a smile, then take a 1-minute break in the bathroom and smile at yourself in the mirror. Think of funny stuff. Think of how funny it would be if you could see how funny the whole situation is. Maybe think of the cat, maybe not.

If you come back from work and (understatement incoming) it wasn’t a smiley kind of day, then do the above in the elevator.

It doesn’t always work, but sometimes it does. That’s enough reason for me to keep on doing it.

Practice Gratefulness, Meditation, or Journaling — Use Something to Relieve the Tension.

Tension will build up. The best is to act as soon as possible, of course, but sometimes, that’s not going to happen. You won’t want to make the first step, and neither will your partner; it will grow into something bigger. The situation will be getting worse and worse, till explosion.

Therefore, you need something to release part of the tension on your own. If only to regain enough composure to make the first step in the de-escalation process. As far as I can tell, the cat swears by meditation.

I find gratefulness and meditation to be good practices, but more in a regular kind of way. Journaling is the one that works best for me when tension is already high. I can freely write all the things I shouldn’t be saying out loud.

It decreases my mental strain to a level where I can share it with others and find a workable and satisfying solution for all involved.

The Cat Gets the Final Meow.

I should have finished writing this article yesterday evening, but the cat is too adorable and playful. And my partner read that kittens need to play at least 2 hours per day.

That’s why I played with the little fluff-monster instead of writing. I’m learning to appreciate this new member of our lovable family.

Ps: here’s a picture of the cat, in all its gracefulness and intelligence.