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1985

Abstract

five, but that’s just what Billy tells me.</li><li><b>Icing on the cake was that he told the principal to “calm your tits.” </b>Apparently, he might go to military school for this. His grandma came to school with a wooden spoon seeing red.</li></ul><h1 id="2df9">Oh, and he apparently cited my work.</h1><figure id="fbdd"><img src="https://cdn-images-1.readmedium.com/v2/resize:fit:800/1*gNIK0n5EN6aBUll5jLs5eQ.png"><figcaption>This is my “Oh crap, smile awkwardly” face.</figcaption></figure><p id="5b28">Oh no…</p><p id="4d93"><i>Oh </i>no…</p><p id="c8e7">Well, I guess every author wants to see their stuff immortalized in academic papers. However, this is not exactly what I was hoping to see. I mean, this really wasn’t what I was hoping to see.</p><p id="21a1">I’m not sure which other articles he cited, but I think it had something to do with the casting couch or how porn can be very damaging to women. According to Billy, it was one of my articles on the inner dynamics of predatory porn companies.</p><h1 id="eb06">“Coconut oil makes for safe and realistic faux jizz.” — Ossiana Tepfenhart</h1><p id="5b63">You might be wondering what article could get cited in a thing about Mia Khalifa. Apparently, it was about what goes on to make the content look real. Curious?</p><p id="f36d">Well, it was the quote above and the article is linked below.</p><div id="b28c" class="link-block"> <a href="https://medium.com/@ossiana.tepfenhart/what-working-in-porn-taught-me-about-sex-9dab14cc0549"> <div> <div> <h2>What Working In Porn Taught Me About Sex</h2> <div><h3>After working as a porn journalist since 2017, I learned a lot about desire and what people overlook.</h3></div> <div><p>medium.com</p></div> </div> <div> <div style="background-image: url(https://miro.readmedium.com/v2/resize:fit:320/0*8UG1jmkobEZTB3l_)"></div> </div>

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    </div><p id="8e1d">I’m just going to point out that my quote about coconut oil making safe and realistic faux cum might <i>not </i>have been the best quote I’d have hoped for in an academic paper with my name attached to it. But, that’s just a personal preference, I suppose.</p><p id="a71c">I was hoping that, you know, maybe it’d about how the porn industry has an effect on psychology, or the obscenity laws that went to the wayside for it. Nope. I got quoted on jizz. <i>El spermo.</i></p><h1 id="c505">Mature content requires mature minds, people.</h1><p id="cace">To a point, I’m not even mad — though I absolutely don’t condone what he did. Apparently Timmy’s mom is also laughing at the “small world” factor of it, though Timmy is still in deep shit.</p><p id="1aad">Some topics are best left for people over the age of 18, and one of those topics is porn. Porn has been linked to serious effects on brain development, so waiting until 18 actually makes sense here.</p><p id="88d4">I mean, heck, even Cosmo magazines of the 90s had an effect on Millennial young adults. How do I know? Oh, I nearly sent an ex of mine to the hospital with one of their vintage sex tips back when I was 20.</p><p id="0c61">At least today, journalists are a little bit less lethal when it comes to their sex tips — or at the very least, they try to do their research more than whatever the Cosmo writers were doing back in the day.</p><h1 id="2db9">Parents, if your kid is under 18, please check out what they are reading and using for their school reports.</h1><p id="69c6">Once I write something, I can’t control who reads it. I can’t. And teachers? PLEASE FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, CHECK THE DAMN PRESENTATIONS BEFORE THEY ARE PRESENTED.</p><p id="e958">That’s all I have to say on the subject.</p><figure id="391e"><img src="https://cdn-images-1.readmedium.com/v2/resize:fit:800/1*grWtyumoxW2L5VSvvFoplw.png"><figcaption></figcaption></figure></article></body>

“This Is Another Fine Mess You’ve Gotten Us Into…”

This not the Works Cited I was expecting to get into. (Sorry, Mia.)

Preface: Names, ages, and locations of affected minors and high schools have been changed to protect privacy. Billy is letting me talk about this because it’s funny as shit but also a major talking point.

Well, I think my writer’s block is over.

One of my best friends, Billy, just called me to tell me what’s going on with his nephew. His 16-year-old nephew Timmy* just suspended for two weeks from his high school, with a pending Board of Education hearing over whether he should stay in school.

You might be wondering what this has to do with me and why I was contacted over it. Well, here’s why he ended up being suspended and potentially expelled:

Timmy was supposed to do a Powerpoint on influential celebrities. He chose Mia Khalifa. (Problem #1)
He also mentioned the casting couch as well as the porn industry’s practices…Some of his Works Cited included XNXX and Pornhub and XHamster. Some of the parts were apparently just screenshots of Google searches, complete with titles like “big black cock xxx Mia Khalifa.”
Timmy decided to add the notorious hijab scene and a very X-rated photo at the end of his report. This already would be enough to get suspended and/or expelled in most schools. Nothing was blurred out.
He showed the presentation to the class without the teacher checking it first. Apparently, the gym teacher gave him a high five, but that’s just what Billy tells me.
Icing on the cake was that he told the principal to “calm your tits.” Apparently, he might go to military school for this. His grandma came to school with a wooden spoon seeing red.

Oh, and he apparently cited my work.

This is my “Oh crap, smile awkwardly” face.

Oh no…

Well, I guess every author wants to see their stuff immortalized in academic papers. However, this is not exactly what I was hoping to see. I mean, this really wasn’t what I was hoping to see.

I’m not sure which other articles he cited, but I think it had something to do with the casting couch or how porn can be very damaging to women. According to Billy, it was one of my articles on the inner dynamics of predatory porn companies.

“Coconut oil makes for safe and realistic faux jizz.” — Ossiana Tepfenhart

You might be wondering what article could get cited in a thing about Mia Khalifa. Apparently, it was about what goes on to make the content look real. Curious?

Well, it was the quote above and the article is linked below.

What Working In Porn Taught Me About Sex

After working as a porn journalist since 2017, I learned a lot about desire and what people overlook.

medium.com

I’m just going to point out that my quote about coconut oil making safe and realistic faux cum might not have been the best quote I’d have hoped for in an academic paper with my name attached to it. But, that’s just a personal preference, I suppose.

I was hoping that, you know, maybe it’d about how the porn industry has an effect on psychology, or the obscenity laws that went to the wayside for it. Nope. I got quoted on jizz. El spermo.

Mature content requires mature minds, people.

To a point, I’m not even mad — though I absolutely don’t condone what he did. Apparently Timmy’s mom is also laughing at the “small world” factor of it, though Timmy is still in deep shit.

Some topics are best left for people over the age of 18, and one of those topics is porn. Porn has been linked to serious effects on brain development, so waiting until 18 actually makes sense here.

I mean, heck, even Cosmo magazines of the 90s had an effect on Millennial young adults. How do I know? Oh, I nearly sent an ex of mine to the hospital with one of their vintage sex tips back when I was 20.

At least today, journalists are a little bit less lethal when it comes to their sex tips — or at the very least, they try to do their research more than whatever the Cosmo writers were doing back in the day.

Parents, if your kid is under 18, please check out what they are reading and using for their school reports.

Once I write something, I can’t control who reads it. I can’t. And teachers? PLEASE FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, CHECK THE DAMN PRESENTATIONS BEFORE THEY ARE PRESENTED.

That’s all I have to say on the subject.