This #FreeBritney Movement is Kind of Hilarious, Right?

Britney Spears is a hit once again, because America prefers frivolity to reckoning

I know I’m not supposed to say it in polite company, but I don’t care about the Britney Spears conservatorship kerfuffle. Like, at all.

You know the famous scene in Casablanca where Humphrey Bogart tells Ingrid Bergman that the problems of three little people don’t amount to a hill of beans in this crazy world? Well, the debate over who receives the monthly statements for a former teen pop star’s Forever 21 Visa card doesn’t even amount to a squirt of whatever concoction comprises the innards of a bean and cheese burrito at Taco Bell.

It’s an interesting story. I’ll give you that. 39 year old Britney having to get permission to buy so much as a Goop travel kit per the conservatorship, by which the state of California granted her father James complete control over her affairs in 2008, is certainly unusual.

As a metaphor for America’s economic patriarchy, it’s frankly a little on the nose. Though I can see where it would be a bit of an annoyance for Brit-Brit.

But if we’re being completely honest, it’s kind of funny, right?

I mean, when Britney sang “I’m a slave for you,” who knew it was a dedication to her dad?

Who would have guessed when she topped the charts with “Toxic,” she was singing about custodial guardianship laws?

Apparently, when she released “I’m Not a Girl, Not Yet a Woman,” the state of California took it as legally binding.

For those unfamiliar, conservatorship is a legal mechanism set up for adults who are unable to manage their affairs and suffering as a result. A responsible person is appointed by the court to preside over the subject’s personal and financial matters.

It’s a reasonable idea. But it does seem slightly counterproductive to place in charge of the subject’s business the very person responsible for raising the them into a dysfunctional adult incapable of managing said business in the first place. That’s kind of like Microsoft putting Bill Gates in charge of the sexual harassment prevention committee.

It stands to reason the court would appoint a conservator with a proven track record of raising a teen stars into healthy, well adjusted adults. Take Martin Sheen, whose son Charlie…Oh wait… errr…

How about Jeremy Bieber? Eh, maybe not.

Katherine Jackson?

Oh, never mind. James Spears is probably the best they could do.

Far more surreal is the late entrance of Florida congressman and accused statutory rapist Matt Gaetz to the #FreeBritney bandwagon. Apparently Gaetz is a fervent proponent of women’s liberation, just as soon as they grow too old to traffic.

Gaetz’s comprehensive argument for why Spears should be emancipated culminated in his nuanced legal assessment that James Spears is “a dick.”

As a force of habit, Gaetz then tried to expose James Spears to a group of sorority girls.

Given his reckless use of Venmo to pay for sex and meticulously document the illegal procurement by typing “ass” in the memo line, perhaps Gaetz should be placed under a conservatorship. Clearly he’s not fit to control his own finances, or judging by the dizzying vertical spiral of his pompadour, his hair.

Here’s an idea. Place Matt Gaetz under the guardianship of James Spears, and let Britney take Gaetz’s place in congress. The #FreeBritney protestors marching in front of the Capitol would get quite the kick out of that!

Those people are in desperate need of something - anything- to spice up their miserable lives. Granted, if you’re going to take to the Capitol in service of a personality cult, “free Britney” is infinitely preferable to “hang Mike Pence.”

Still, how empty does your existence have to be that you take off work and travel to Washington to march on behalf of a faded star from your misspent youth, whose life, conservatorship or no conservatorship, is still infinitely better than yours?

Britney Spears is worth approximately $60 million. She lives in a 12,000 square foot mansion on a 21 acre estate. She’s instantly recognizable the world over with all the perks that celebrity brings. If she wants them, she can get tickets to Hamilton on Broadway. Orchestra seats. For free. Hand delivered by Lin-Manuel Miranda.

Your entire weekend was ruined when Fast and Furious 9 was sold out on Fandango.

If Britney Spears woke up tomorrow in your 450 square foot walk-up, she would take one look at the Ramen Noodles and Easy Mac lining the cabinet and hurl herself from the fire escape.

And you feel sorry for Britney because the state of California has denied her the joyous privilege of doing her own income taxes?

I’m probably crossing another line of good taste here, but oops, I did it again.

A conservatorship doesn’t sound that bad. Somebody else pays your bills, makes your doctor’s appointments, and handles the household budget. Meanwhile, you’ve got a built in excuse to get out of doing all the stuff you didn’t want to do anyway.

“Gee Jamie Lynn, I really would love to come to your Bridgerton costume party, but you know, the conservatorship…”

“Mickey Mouse Club reunion tour of southeast Asia? Sounds awesome! If only it weren’t for this blasted conservatorship…”

“There’s an extra seat available on Jeff Bezos’ rocket ship? Thanks, but in case you hadn’t heard, this girl’s already on a ship of another kind…”

One person’s bizarre family dynamics do not constitute a national emergency, nor an issue of political import. It’s a personal problem. Sucks for Britney, but guess what? We’ve all got problems too.

Like how to make rent this month. Or how to pay for childcare, now that your governor is taking away your unemployment benefits and forcing you back to your poverty wage job. Or what to do about the impacted molar that’s growing infected, since that job doesn’t offer dental benefits. Thank God for opioids…

I don’t see any pop stars canceling tour dates to march for you.

While you were pasting neon sequins onto your #FreeBritney halter top, 48 states were crafting legislation to restrict your voting rights. The Supreme Court was upholding rulings granting your employer province over your reproductive rights. Lawmakers in 34 states were introducing anti-protest bills that would severely curtail the rights of groups like the #FreeBritney brigade to publicly demonstrate.

Maybe all the time and energy spent rallying for Britney’s freedom would be better spent protecting our own? But battling systemic oppression is a Herculean task requiring bravery, strategy, and persistence. It’s hard, emotionally draining, and often fruitless work.

It’s far easier to distract ourselves with the camaraderie and viral-ready performativeness of movements like #FreeBritney, where the probability of an eventual win for the embattled heroine is relatively high, but the stakes of a loss are inconsequentially low.

Just don’t expect Britney to join you at the protest. She’d totally love to, but you know…