PANDEMIC/SATIRE

This Covid Cocktail will Keep You Out of the Hospital

Jimmy Kimmel thinks the medical community should decline to treat those who eat horse paste — so try a DIY hack, instead

Yes, it’s come to this. Some doctors are refusing to treat the unvaccinated.

In the meantime, the use of Ivermectin, a large animal (think horses, cows) de-wormer that some DIYers are ingesting to combat Covid-19, is on the rise.

Even late-night comedian and prognosticator Jimmy Kimmel recently opined that our hospitals should stop treating anti-vaxxers who choose to dose themselves with this treatment typically reserved for ridding farm animals of parasitic infections.

“I don’t know. The choices don’t seem so tough to me,” Kimmel said during his first monologue after a long summer break. “Vaccinated person having a heart attack? Yes, come right on in. We’ll take care of you. Unvaccinated guy who gobbled horse goo? Rest in peace, wheezy.”

There have been some DIY cures out there for at least a year.

Think back a year ago or so to when that orange dude advised Americans to inject bleach to treat the Covid Curse. Take responsibility for your health care, or something like that.

The Tangerine Terror also suggested a number of other home remedies, including something called hydroxychloroquine (I think either he or someone close to him had cornered the market on the stuff). That idea only seems to have killed a couple of Americans, who didn’t go to the doctor for a “Hydroxy” — as Mango Mussolini termed it — prescription. They went to the pet store and instead purchased — and then consumed — a similar-sounding cornerstone usually employed in the cleaning of fish tanks.

Yeah, they ended up with squeaky-clean innards after downing chloroquine phosphate. They also ended up pretty much dead.

We’ve heard some other dumb ways to avoid — or in most cases encourage — Doctor Death during pandemic times.

Industrial methanol was popular for a while. It also thinned the herd of anti-vaxxers out there. Camel urine — camel urine?!? — was en vogue for a quick sec, but didn’t do much other than cause those who tried it to walk around chewing their cuds on the regular.

The new go-to Covid-19 treatment appears to be Ivermectin, a medicine used on livestock to get rid of, well, worms. The “horse goo” Kimmel referred to in his monologue has been used in humans before — to treat a malady known as river blindness, and certain intestinal parasitic infections. And for the eight hundred and seventy-billionth time — Covid ain’t no parasite.

I guess I should note here that there is no scientific evidence — note the emphasis on scientific — to indicate that the livestock dewormer would work on a covid case contracted by a human being.

Kimmel, of course — or, I guess I hope, anyway — was kidding about denying medical care to the Ivermectin crowd.

So am I — kidding, joshing, injecting more than a wee bit of satire into this discussion — when I recommend the following: A delicious and nutritious smoothie I call the “Covid Cocktail”. If you’re one of those crackpots who insists you know better than the medical experts, give it a whirl.

What could possibly happen? Other than, of course, the fact that you’re pretty much guaranteed to buy the farm if you’re crazy enough to down this drink.

Covid Cocktail (Please follow the 2:1 ratio for optimal results; also, we recommend you make sure your will is up-to-date before you try this remedy.)

• 2 cups Ivermectin (sold under the brands Heartgard, Sklice, and Stromectol in the United States), an oral paste used to cure parasites in horses and as external medicine for cattle and sheep; typically available at your local farm supply store.
• 1 cup bleach, or another preferred fluid (hey, go for it!), such as industrial methanol. Other go-to liquids such as pulverized garlic (I guess if you beat it long enough, it becomes a liquid?), hot sauce or camel urine pair well with the livestock remedy. Oh, and Mountain Dew could lend sweet results!
• Blend. Investing in a Vitamix won’t necessarily improve your results, but you can tell all your friends you own this millennial treasure.
• Pour your smoothie into a preferred container, and add a straw for ease of sipping.
• Place concoction under UV-C light for 5 minutes.
• Relax and enjoy!

Oh, and please don’t try this “cure”.

Even if you’re an idiot, we wouldn’t want you to end up a Covid “cure” casualty. And if you’re an anti-vaxxer and haven’t gotten sick yet, you need to know that this little tidbit, for reals, is true: Vegetarians can still catch Covid-19.