IDEASTREAM
This Concession Ticket Grants Me the Right to Fight Forever
Paid for by four years of dedicated service
Melania insisted I deliver a concession speech or she’ll divorce me.
As the greatest President in the history of the United States, I preen before you today, not to say goodbye but till next time, beautiful people!!!!!!!!
I’ve made this country great again. (MAGA animus.)
We proved we can manage on our own — pulled out of the Iran nuclear deal, the Paris Climate Accord, withheld funding from the WHO — what the fuck do they know about anything?
My amazing successes include the settlement of the Arab/Israeli conflict. Arab countries now recognize Israel. Suppressive regimes like the UAE, Saudi Arabia, Bahrain, and now Morocco have climbed aboard.
My expertise in real estate really paid off.
What about the Palestinians?
They should go back where they came from.
Jeez, that’s what they’ve been trying to do.
If you continue interrupting, I’ll have you removed. (Turns to acolyte -who let that CNN prick in?)
Devotees, we’ve achieved so much. Divided the country, created racial tension, exposed the China virus as a hoax, defeated ISIS.
What about the Islamic extremists now occupying northern Mozambique?
Where’s that?
In Africa.
Oh, that shit hole. (Turns to another acolyte — who let that bitch from Al Jazeera in?)
We’re winning on all fronts!!!!!
You lost the election.
Get that loser out of here — fucking fake news!!
Our wonderful fracking industry is thriving. Our great fossil-fuel industry is now investing in plastic production, which will double by 2040. More profit to turn my billionaire buddies into trillionaires!!!!!!!
Isn’t it terrific I created a Covid vaccine in less than a year?
I get the job done!!!!!!
Run a country like a business. Hire them, and when they don’t follow your instructions or dare to disagree — fire them. Always aim for high turnover.
Now you know I’m smart, I’m tough, and I never lose.
But my appointees at the Supreme Court have betrayed the country by refusing to reform a voting system which is out of control. They’ve let you down, folks.
This is dangerous. This is really bad. I checked with Rudi, who says I can’t fire them — Supreme Court Justices are appointed for life.
I may call in the military to enforce my election challenges. The veterans love me — they’ll support me.
Those Deep State and left-wing phonies have conspired to rig the elections in their favor.
The Electoral College is weak and stupid; plans to endorse the Biden/Harris camp tonight.
You’ll remember at the start of my term of office (and not the last) I said,
“Let’s make America great again and bring professionalism and the basic qualities of respect back into politics.”
We’ve done a tremendous job in making that a reality.
If you’re queuing outside my White House for your Presidential Pardon, patience please–I’ve got a lot to get through.
Remember the deadline is January 20, 2021.
A nod to The Imitation Game for their hilarious lip-sync of President Trump’s visit to NATO:
Thank you for being here.
How could I resist writing this response to the Ideastream prompt: Concession Speeches?
I’m in a deep state of gratitude to Marla Bishop. I could never get away with taking the mickey out of our ruling party and politicians here in South Africa without a fiery backlash.