This Author Has Done a Brave Thing and it Deserves to be Noted: Julia Freeman

Escaping an abusive marriage is no mean feat, and Julia has shared her story with us in a beautiful and vulnerable way

When I first came across Julia Freeman’s stories, I had a lot of her chapters to catch up on. But I wanted to read each and every part, because it was something I related to — on a certain level, at least.

Julia shared her story of escaping a twenty-five-year narcissistic, abusive marriage and then rebuilding her life following the escape.

There is a part of me that feels the need to read the stories of other women who have undergone mind manipulation at the hands of their significant other, for I don’t know if anyone who finds themselves in such a situation ever comes to fully understand what happened and why.

I believe that, for anyone who has been on the receiving end of abuse, it’s important to hear the stories of others, and know that there is light on the other side and a community of women (and men) who will offer support. Julia’s stories serve to reach out a hand to those who are looking for advice, warmth, and reassurance.

My own story is milder than hers. However, when you keep a stash of clothes and a toothbrush hidden in the car “just in case I needed to escape”, you know that something serious is amiss. When staying home like a good girl and not rocking the boat feels like the only feasible way to exist, you know that isolation is not far off.

Perhaps we have a better system in place in the UK to help women in abusive relationships, I don’t know. I used the police and had him removed from our home. I was given special attention through something called the MARAK list, which supports women in the most vulnerable situations, and I received support from the legal system.

I believe that I had it fairly easy after reading Julia’s story. Her’s is rife with obstacles. Everyone will have a different experience, but Julia’s writing helps to give direction to anyone going through the same or similar.

Julia’s story begins when she drives in the pouring rain, leaving the home that she had shared with her husband of 25 years.

I was running from my past with a truck full of kids, the rain poured down obstructing my view of the road in front of me. Desperately trying to find my way while the calm voice of google maps routed me farther and farther from my wrong turn. I began to grow worried I would ever get myself out of this mess. The children were quiet as the giant SUV hummed along, a tank full of gas to keep some worry at bay.

Maybe getting my first license at the ripe old age of 45 was the wrong thing to do. How could a person get so lost so consistently even while using GPS? The rain came down even harder trying to show me how foolish I was.

The police told me they couldn’t protect me and my husband would be especially angry after being served with a temporary order of protection. One officer was on the phone looking for space for us in a domestic violence shelter as I explained to the other that we could stay with friends for a night or two. I was urged to leave town since he knew where my friends lived.

Most people probably cannot imagine what a terrifying ordeal it is to meticulously plan one’s escape without the abuser suspecting anything, and then execute on that plan. Julia maintains a voice of practicality throughout. After all, when in the midst of something like this, emotion is entirely secondary.

Julia goes on to describe the process of her ongoing denial and gradual awakening to the extent of the abuse she suffered. She describes what life was like up to the moment that she became aware that her life was in danger, and how she had lived in that denial for so many years.

Her full story is worth a proper read:

Julia’s mission is clear. She wants to shine a light on the subtle abuse that many are experiencing in their partnerships and show other women that they too can become free and share their own stories.

She spells out the behaviour of a narcissist perfectly. This is one personality disorder that may come in differing extremes, but will always follow very similar patterns.

Observe how the narc uses the cycle with you. Take notes, reread emails and texts and see if you can find a pattern. Once you are tracking communications you will see more clearly and be able to find the subtle cues your narc uses. You can see how your words and actions trigger him and how to steer him in the direction you want him to go.

Narcissists are clever and usually five steps ahead of everyone they are in a relationship with so be sharp and careful poking this snake. Think of communication with him as a chess game. Always know your end game and be aware of all the moves he can make. He is out for your blood so protect yourself.

Her advice is on point. She has learned the hard way and there is no one like a survivor to look to for inspiration.

The article that really hit home for me is the one in which she shares all of the red flags dating back to when she and her ex-husband were still just dating, pre-marriage. This is the one that highlights for me all those moments in my own relationship with a narcissist when I also ignored red flags, or already felt trapped by them.

I sat on the porch feeling conflicted about my relationship with my boyfriend. We had been dating for a few months and something felt off to me. I was only 17 with very little experience and couldn’t explain what made me feel uneasy. He asked me what was wrong and I answered nothing. I didn’t know how to explain what was on my heart.

He walked away from me and punched his classic car denting the metal panel. I knew I couldn’t break up with him. It would hurt him too much.

Little did I know his shocking display of violence was a control tactic to keep me where he wanted me. I would marry him and spend over 25 years with increasing violence and heartache before I escaped.

The early days of the Covid lockdowns really brought home just how rife domestic abuse is across the developed world.

From the UK-based organisation, Refuge, these figures were released in March 2021, a year after the first lockdown began.

A year of lockdown: Refuge releases new figures showing dramatic increase in activity across its specialist domestic abuse services.

Between April 2020 and February 2021 calls and contacts* logged on Refuge’s National Domestic Abuse Helpline (NDAH) up by average of 61%

72% of people supported by NDAH were women experiencing abuse

Women supported in multiple languages by specialist staff

4,481 referrals made to secure refuges across country

11,616 safety plans created

Average of seven-fold increase in visits to specialist website www.nationaldahelpline.org.uk

More than 5,200 ‘live chats’ have taken place since new service launched in May 2020

The site goes on to details the incredibly high level of demand of the services the organisation provides.

“Between April 2020 and February 2021, the average number of calls and contacts logged* on our database per month was 61% above the January-March 2020 period, pulling into sharp focus just how many women across the country have been experiencing domestic abuse during the pandemic and how many need the specialist, confidential support Refuge provides.” — Refuge

What Julia has done here is to highlight an issue that we as a society don’t speak about enough, nor invite women to speak up enough. It was one of the areas that reached crisis point and, in my eyes, it never should have.

Society has not done enough to remove the stigma that women feel around finding themselves a victim to narcissistic abuse.

When I began to see the red flags, all I kept asking myself was “how could I have ended up here?”

It made no sense. I was intelligent, educated, and a complete pacifist. I was not the kind of person to find myself in a relationship that was like dynamite — ready to explode at any moment, and without warning.

I didn’t truly understand then that it can happen to anyone. And that, mostly, you are in too deep before you realise the true extent.

I am grateful to Julia for speaking up in the public domain and bringing a voice to the women who have been through such trauma. She has inspired me to write about some aspects of my own journey with a narcissist— yet to be published — and may there be many more voices freed by such bravery.

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