This And That — Part 2
Scattered thoughts on a beautiful day
The last few days have found me not firing on all cylinders. Nothing major, just nagging little things interfering with my peace. I have so many blessings that usually keep me very upbeat so I decided to discover the source of my unease.
There were two that had passed decades ago that I had major differences with, my mother and my ex-wife. I believed that I had cleaned up my thoughts of the past by making amends to all that I could reach that I had harmed.
I had forgiven them a long time ago. I deeply believed that I had forgiven them both. I finally did what I had put off for too long already. I said “God, help me,” and stepped back knowing that I was about to receive divine inspiration.
Yesterday, soon after asking for guidance, the thought came loud and clear to go to their cemeteries and see what I could discover.
Today, on a chilly, cloudy day, I drove to the county where both are buried. I pulled into the cemetery where my ex-wife was buried. Soon after arriving, I received a call from my spiritual reminder on another matter and told her where I was and why.
I told her that I truly believed that I had forgiven them both and had come here to see what I could discover. She asked me if I had forgiven myself. Because this was very important to do. Ding, Ding!
I believe that I may have blown this part off or severely undone it.
I then went to her grave and realized that I did not still carry the horrible feelings that I had carried since the 1960s. I told her again that I forgave her for the times when problems arose, many times to a fever pitch.
I then said that there was nothing that could be done about it and that I forgave myself, too, for all of the harm that I had brought to her and the bad thoughts that I had and have about her over the years.
I then drove to the cemetery where my mother was. This is a large city-run cemetery that is in a poor state of repair. The office had a sign on the door saying that it had moved to another location.
I had the plot number but there was no map to be found so it was not possible to find her grave. Once again I said “God, help me,” then stood aside.
The inspiration immediately came for me to look out over the cemetery and talk with my mother. I told her again that I forgave her for all that she had said and done to me and was there to clear it all up.
I told her that I was not the same person that I was when she was alive and that I forgave her. I also forgave myself for continuing to have the thoughts even after forgiving her.
In one last attempt to locate the grave, I called the number listed for the cemetery and was taken to various other municipal prompts and left a message for the final entity. My call was never returned.
And then there’s…
I have discovered that the more that I learn about how spirituality works in my life, the more I am held to being a better person. Prior to my learning about spirituality, I had an “I’m sorry” conscience.
Something would happen to someone for whatever reason and I would immediately blurt “I’m sorry.” This had nothing to do with my sorrow. It had everything to do with changing the subject.
I really had no clue much of the time what the “right thing to do” was.
Today, I actually know the difference between right and wrong and do not try to blur the lines.
Today, I take responsibility for my actions and stay away from judging others and their actions. This leads to being comfortable with myself, which makes me comfortable with others, or at least more tolerant.
This is the opposite of how I thought and was before delving into my spirituality and how I could stop hurting just as soon as I would choose to. Not only the opposite but very much unbelievable at first.
I didn’t like myself so it was easier for others to not like what they were seeing from me, either. I do believe that I had to go through everything that I did in order to be happy, joyous, and free every day!
Thank you, God!
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