Thinking Over Parental Priorities
Do you value money over your children?
What a parent prioritizes can be extremely telling. For instance, manners over kindness can easily lead to situations where abuse is justified. Parents can accidentally step into an abusive landmine, only realizing it all too late.
As is the case with this set of parents, who find themselves at odds about a peculiar situation regarding their babysitter:
Unfortunately, I wasn’t able to make a response on Reddit — it had been closed out to people under a certain karma. And, well, I’m a noob. 🤷♀️
Here’s what popped out at me:
- Wife resorted to yelling immediately. This is an orange flag, made red by fully understanding the situation. What need was there for yelling? I’m pretty broke, I get being concerned about finances. I see no reason to yell at a 16 year old over money in this situation. What’s done is done, and no amount of yelling at a child will change that.
- Wife thinks infant’s face being blue is “nothing.” Let’s be gracious and assume this condition is being monitored by professionals and really isn’t a problem. Any reasonable person would be understanding of the kid’s reaction. A 7 month old going blue is scary. The teen was acting in the best interests of the child, and should be thanked for her concern. Quick thinking like that can save a life, and it’s better to be on the safe side.
- Wife insinuates husband’s priorities are askew. And he’s so uncertain he felt compelled to post on Reddit — a place he’s not even familiar with — to gain a community perspective. Her statement sounds like gaslighting, designed to supplant everyone else’s reality with her own. She wasn’t in the wrong, and won’t be talked out of it to find a middle ground. The rigidity and unwillingness to consider other views are palpable in those words.
My suggestion? Therapy or divorce.
Isn’t That Extreme?
When a child’s health hangs in the balance, no. I don’t think so. Even if the infant was never in any danger, this mother’s response is wrong on so many levels. Why does she think it’s ok to yell at the babysitter? Is the poor girl expected to mindread when she’s allowed to contact authorities? Does the wife really want a babysitter who doesn’t care if the infant’s face has gone blue (considering the teen wasn’t told it would happen at all)? How can the 16 year old be expected to be calm when the fully grown mother of three can’t?
This emotionally charged decision sets the stage for a hostile environment. It’s her way or the highway — and when someone inevitably does things differently, she’s going to flip her lid. Well-reasoned decisions, mistakes, and misunderstandings alike. When that happens, she’s likely to claim it was their fault, not hers, that she lost her cool.
Maybe this was a particularly trying day, something snapped in her and she just broke. That could happen, certainly. All the more reason to get professional help. It’ll happen again, you can bet on it with three kids in the mix. And when it does, without therapy, she’s likely to get worse.
She Could Change, Truly
With professional help, she could eventually find the source for her rigidity. She could learn how to regulate her emotions, leading to better communication and more satisfying relationships.
All she has to do is learn to accept she was wrong, and the door to healing opens.
I was much the same way decades ago. I would go off the deep end, a powder keg of emotional turmoil — especially when money was involved. With time and patience, someone dear to me helped nurse my psyche to a less volatile, more understanding place. They weren’t a professional, but they had intense dedication to the cause. So I know all is not lost; this woman could curb the path of abuse and find a better way.
Knowing what I know now, I would never suggest a person try to do something like that without a professional background. It can and will damage those around the volatile individual because they aren’t equipped with the resources that therapists have. They aren’t usually capable of limiting contact to one hour a week, or trained in ways to care for their own mental well-being. It’s much safer to find a good therapist.
Abusers Start Somewhere — And Can Be Rehabilitated
While it’s true some abusers are lost causes, many of them aren’t. The difference is within the person’s willingness to admit they were wrong, not necessarily specific perspectives or actions. Abusive habits often persist, creating a lifelong battle against impulse. The person who wants to stop relying on abusive habits must have a strong reason for doing so — and that’s got to come from within.
It’s a lot like addiction. In some ways, it’s fundamentally the same. The abuser is addicted to controlling others, and lacks control of themselves. It’s an illness of the mind, and perpetuates itself through harm to others. Including the abusers themselves.
This woman seems at the beginning of the abusive path. She’s right at the doorway, stepping a firm stride into the darkness. Fear grips her, probably regarding money, urging her to squeeze tighter to control and blame and gaslight. Underneath it all is a desire to feel safe. If she seeks help to fill that void without controlling others, the damage she could perpetuate as a parent would dramatically decrease. She may even pass on coping mechanisms to help her children fight their own abusive urges — or to resist abuse from others. The cycle of abuse could reverse with time and determination, sending a positive ripple through the world around them.
As the husband seems much more reasonable, if she refused to get help, I would prioritize the children over the marriage. Their needs are more important than hers, as they aren’t capable of controlling themselves or their lives the way she can. And with her as a prominent example, I’d be worried they would follow in her footsteps.
What do you think? Check out the crosspost on the AbuseRD Reddit and leave a comment here or there.
Join me as I discuss abuse behind Reddit posts — and hopefully help inspire change through awareness.