Thinking Female; Speaking Male
On a past where keeping my silence meant keeping the peace
Think of it like being born in one language and raised in another. What language do you think in? I think in female, but I talk in male. I needed to in order to survive and be accepted. Whenever I spoke female I got odd looks. With women, I was thought to be a sensitive male but I had to watch my limits. Didn’t want them thinking I was gay, or being labeled as that “weird guy.”
Among guys there was absolutely no chance. Speak 100% male all the time or get verbally mauled, permanently labeled, and become an outcast for all of eternity.
I spent my life speaking male all the time, with passion and conviction.
I hated it.
I felt I had been always holding back a big part of me. There were no words in male speak. There was no chance to female speak. No one would understand, so even why try?
I got so good at male speak that those around me thought male was my native language. At times I thought so too. I kept my female thoughts to myself. I realized sharing my female thoughts couldn’t be translated effectively, so I just kept them to myself. No one else wanted to hear them anyway.
So I kept my silence and I kept the peace. I was happy until, suddenly, I wasn’t. Out of the blue I wanted to speak my own language. I wanted to hear my voice out loud. I wanted others to hear it and understand it was my voice, finally, from my lips.
The first time in my life that I spoke 100% female was in therapy at 61 years of age. It just spilled out and I never even knew it was happening. My therapist finally heard the difference, and the change even snuck up on her.
I am getting too tired holding back and, like a breaching dam, I need to say what has been in my heart and in my soul, unfiltered — filtered by the needs of others.
So here I am writing my native language. Hearing the joy of each word, the flow of my thoughts held silent for so long, waiting for others to read.
I am a female in a male wrapper who needs to be heard… finally.
And, someday, finally, they will hear…
me.
Emma Holiday
Please also read:
I have tied all of my stories to the above thread.
Writers note: If you have read any of my writings on Medium you will have noticed a definite theme: the incredible pain of gender dysphoria and all the difficult aspects of just being transgender.
My writing has three specific goals:
1. Writing is my therapy. I have a very limited outlet for my thoughts so I write to find a way to process the most profound experience in my life. I need to understand and I need to accept myself to move forward.
2. Being transgender, for me, is a very lonely existence and if I can share some of the things that I feel and think as I go through the process of transitioning with others who are transgender and, in some way, lessen their pain and sense of loneliness, then all of this public exposure of my personal thoughts is not a waste.
3. I write to help cisgender people understand that all trans people want is to be simply understood, accepted and treated as a normal person. We are.
