Thinking Beyond the Grave

For those who are left behind

No, this is not a discussion of life after death. That is a theological discussion for another time. This is a very practical discussion of things you need to do now, while you are still here breathing and thinking.

You may think you have very little, or that what you have is just going to go to your kids, or you may say “I am gone, what do I care?”. But you should because when you are gone there will still be loved ones here who will mourn your passing and should not have to go through any more pain or anxiousness afterwards. But if you die without a will they will. Even if it’s just deciding where to bury you or spread your ashes, they won’t be able to do it without a court being involved. Those is cold hard facts.

And there is more. This I learned this past year when my oldest sister Sylvia passed away. Fortunately, she and her late husband Don made preparations and were asked in advance to handle their estate, so I knew some of what was coming. Even then it was not all. Let me share with you what they did right, and what things they could have done better, and hopefully, you will take this to heart and prepare. I know too many people without wills.

I know you feel, especially when you are in your 20’s that you don’t have to think about death because you are young and strong. I know that you may feel like you are invincible. It’s like looking at our parents and thinking they will be here forever, even though we know they won’t.

Both of my parents have passed, as have my wife’s parents, and so we got moving and made wills and such. Plus, I work in medical insurance and advanced planning is part of our training.

My sister and her husband had a house and several accounts. So, they set up a trust account. That way they avoided having the estate go to probate — to a court — and set me up as the surviving trustee — authorized to handle the estate when they passed on. It’s like a will, with an executor, but makes it independent of a court. Like when requesting access to their safe deposit box I did not need a court order, which would have been required with just a will.

They designated beneficiaries in the trust, to aid in distributing their assets. There were two charities and my eight nieces and nephews. There was provision for reimbursement of trustee expenses and compensation for trustee work included. It has been a lot of work and is almost done, but the fact that they set it up, years ago, and asked me to be the “surviving trustee” made it much easier.

It gave me authority to go to the bank and credit union and money market managers and get access to the accounts and set up a trust account at a local credit union so to combine the accounts, pay expenses, and at the end distribute the estate money to the beneficiaries. I was also able to hire a real estate agent to sell the house, so the proceeds could be combined in the estate account.

A few things that complicated the actions. I did not initially have the name of the law firm, nor the original copies of the will and trust. I found the name of the lawyer in the house and got copies of the will and trust from their office (I later found the originals in a closet in the house). I had to call her doctor for her SSN because I didn’t have it. I had trouble finding the key to the safe deposit box (in the house).

In addition, I had to get the name of the mortuary in her hometown from the police department (who had had trouble contacting me) and had them give the key to the house to the crew from the company we hired to do the initial biohazard clean out (she had died at home).

There were other issues, but the basic takeaway was: make sure your documents are in a known secure place in your residence — or a place that can easily be accessed. And make sure that whoever you designate to be your executor/trustee knows where they are. Make sure that their information is available to whoever will need to know — police, doctor, hospital — when you die. Don’t make them have to do workarounds (like what happened with my sister).

That includes tax records, which they will need for handling both personal and estate taxes. Name(s) of doctor(s), financial advisors, lawyers, need to be where they can be easily found. Communication is vital.

In addition to that, what about if you were to suffer a debilitating illness or accident? Like a stroke, heart attack, or anything else that would incapacitate and leave you unable to either communicate or make a decision about medical care. What happens then?

You also need a durable power of attorney — so someone else can make financial decisions for you — and an advanced medical directive that you have an advocate to help with medical decisions — so the doctor isn’t just out on a limb.

In the case of my dad, who was disabled with a stroke, I was fortunate. When he had his last stroke and in the first two weeks, we thought he would not make it, his doctor had to ask me the hard question (code or no-code?) Since I knew all he had been through, multiple strokes over many years, and declining health, I said “no code”, in other words, if his heart stops let him code (DNR -do not resuscitate). Because he had been our family doctor for many years, for my parents and I, there was no confusion. But had he been subject to another doctor I would have had to do, what I subsequently did (for other medical practitioners), is get an advanced medical directive written up and notarized. My wife and I have done that for ourselves.

If you do not want extraordinary measures (like a feeding tube, intubation, or ventilator) used to sustain your life (even in a vegetative state) you will need this. It doesn’t take a lot of time or money, but it could prevent a lot of needless traumas for loved ones and stress for medical staff who are obligated to do whatever to sustain life (Hippocratic oath — first, do no harm).

And another thing — mortuary. Whether you want a casket and usual burial or cremation it will cost you. My dad set up a prepaid mortuary account so that when he died the only thing I had to do was pick up the ashes and spread them where I chose. My sister was cremated but did not have an account, so it cost a couple thousand bucks to get the ashes (they were nice people, but it did cost). They also supplied the death certificates, and you will need multiple.

It would be nice if you would lay out your wishes as to funeral, memorial service, burial (and plot), or ashes — even if you just spread the ashes. You don’t necessarily have to plan a service, but at least plan something. This is all to make sure that your loved ones don’t have more grief on their plate when they are already mourning your passing. Think about it and then plan.