Think You Can’t Write About Sex?

Fab Tips for the reluctant (or just unsexy) sex-writer

My fellow writers will often get in touch specifically asking for advice on how to write about sex. Typically, it goes something like this:

Hey, Mia! HUGE longtime fan of your sex-writing. I loved the column you had running a few years back, “What’s that in Your Pants?”. I was so disappointed when it was cancelled abruptly. Court cases are the worst! Anyway, I’m reaching out because I’d really like to know how to be a sex-writer, and since you are the best at sex-writing, I’d love some of your sex-writing advice.

To which I say:

Stop it! I’m just an ordinary, somewhat edgy person who happens to write about sex in a way that engages, enthralls and makes sense. But look, I hear you. I’ll put together a sex-writing advice piece and publish it online so that EVERYONE is privy to my advice. In an ideal world no sex-writer should face any institutional barriers to getting good sex-writing advice, huge fan of mine or not.

Thanks Mia!

True to my word, I’ve dug deep for my best sex-writing advice and have posted it below. I hope it helps get you on your way to some great, no, awesome, sex-writing!

MIA’S ONLINE LEARNING FOR SEX-WRITERS

Hey, wannabe sex-writers! Thanks for joining us. Sex-writing is an exciting genre that you may want to be a part of. But you’re nervous, right? I get it. Nothing says sad AF like bad sex-writing. And you want to be the best sex-writer you can be. Relax, you’ve come to the right place. Get ready to take notes!

Let’s start with the question first and foremost in your mind: why should I write about sex on this platform?

Why should anybody write about sex? That question is best answered in two parts. The first is obviously to do with money. Simply put, sex sells and you, like everyone else, need to earn a living. As for the second reason, well… I tried to come up with other reasons to write about sex but while I was doing that, I also started thinking of all the good reasons not to.

Some of them were disturbing.

Be positive!

A sex-writer needs to be sex-positive. That is non-negotiable, I’m afraid. If you’re reading this, thinking, “Well, I’m sex-negative, Mia. Can I still write about sex?” the answer is, no. Stop reading now. No, don’t stop reading now! Let’s talk more about that!

Look, I’ll be honest, I hate sex-negativity. I mean, who are these nay-sayers always talking sex down like that, calling it stupid and just giving it a bad rap? Are these the same people who leaked the final season script for Game of Thrones on the internet, ruining it for everyone? I thought as much.

If you are feeling sex-negative don’t despair. There are still ways to acquire this sex-positivity, though to be completely upfront, it will involve an investment of time and a significant image makeover starting with some bitchin’ tattoos and a nose ring. If you’re balking at such a commitment, I’d suggest you start slowly by purchasing adventurous underwear and dabbling in essential oils.

Fresh tip: Essential oils are sexy AF. Everyone says so.

Keep it fresh!

One of the hardest things (see what I did there? ;)) about sex writing is keeping the sex-writing fresh. No one wants to read your tired take on sex-parties when all you did was sit at a makeshift bar, giving side eye to all the couples. Instead, you must learn to cultivate a sexittude. What exactly is sexittide? Well, it’s a little portmanteau I made up out of the words sex and attitude.

But, how does one maintain a high sexittude? The most effective way to keep that sexittude revving high, is to watch online porn until you’ve developed an addiction. Thanks to neuroplasticity, this creates a brain that has sex constantly front of mind. Likewise, you could nurture that hollow feeling deep inside of yourself; you know, the one that can only be alleviated by the endless pursuit of novel sex with strangers in risky settings?

But if all that sounds too time consuming, a less taxing way I’ve found is to always be in your underwear when you write. Make a practise of this, even when you’re writing pieces not related to sex. It needn’t be super expensive fancy underwear either. Let those tattoos do the work.

Should I write about Anal?

Yes, my friend, and often.

Ideally, every second piece you write should be about anal sex. It’s literally a gold mine up there, people. If you don’t think you can stretch and lube that topic in a hundred different ways (see what I did there?;)) then at least mention anal in your other pieces, making sure to link back to that, “Anal in 14 Easy Steps” piece that got you six new readers last August.

Fresh tip: Be aware, some readers don’t like anal, and resent the mere suggestion, so every second paragraph needs to affirm the reader in their boring missionary position sex-life. Phrases such as ‘your choice’ and ‘don’t let anyone tell you how boring you are’, need to be used liberally. As does the lube.

Be the first to alert your readers to newly discovered erogenous zones.

Admittedly, this isn’t going to be simple. As it stands now, almost all the most convincing erogenous zones have been accounted for. That makes your job a little harder (see what I did there?:)), but remember if creativity is a writer’s best friend, invention is their secret new lover with a bangin’ bod who’s up for anything. Use them both, I say, to invent a new erogenous zone. Just because no-one is talking about elbows doesn’t mean they won’t be soon. Be the one to break the news about the hawt new elbow.

You’ll need to be convincing. Look, this is where “science” really comes into its own. In giving this new erogenous zone its break out moment a little bit of science talk goes a long way. And by science talk I mean naming your sexy subject to sound like something between an early 2000s internet cafe and a washed-up hip hop personality. Follow this up with “research”.

For example, you could say “the E-spot is the most orgasmic spot on the inner elbow. Preliminary studies on rats in a laboratory confirm this beyond doubt”. Obviously the E will stand for the dude who discovered this super sensitive area of the female elbow, because nothing says ‘man’ quite like a male doctor naming a part of the female body after himself (looking at you here, Dr. Grafenberg).

Add controversy! Controversy is vital for authenticity. For example, you could say ‘while some researchers believe the e-spot is connected to the clitoris by a complex network of nerve tissue and FM radio signals, other studies have failed to reach the same conclusion’, leaving it up in the air with your reputation as a writer no worse off than it was before.

Fresh tip: Let ambiguity be your defence against would-be fact checkers.

What about sex toys, Mia?

Excellent question! Toys are a must for a sex-writer and work a treat for stale sex-writing. One of my failsafe strategies for tired sex-writing is to add a sex toy into the mix. In fact that would be my advice for any piece of writing that’s not delivering, sex or otherwise: add a naughty toy. It never fails. Let me show you how it is done with these exerpts from some of my best work:

For those interested in taking this activity/position/chore up a notch in the bedroom/dungeon/home office, I suggest introducing your favourite sex gadget or toy and prepare for things to really heat up. (Excerpt taken from ‘Getting Off’ by M. Miller).

While it shouldn’t surprise anyone the budget was delivered a week late, those in the know expressed concern the process had been hijacked by a popular sex toy.(Excerpt taken from ‘Efficient Municipals’ by M. Miller).

And this, from a timely think-piece I wrote on the prospect of sex-robots replacing the family pet. (Author’s note: on legal advice this excerpt has been removed).

Moving on!

Should I Build a Sex Toy Library in my own home, Mia? Like all good sex-writers, I like to collect sex toys and so should you, if only for research purposes. I also like to collect tennis socks, depression-era glassware, Beatles CDs, newspapers, empty photo frames, pre-millenium scrunchies and used jars/bottles/vessels. But, do I put all this stuff on display? No, I don’t. That would be weird. I have enough of a hard time explaining the empty photo frames to myself and the children, let alone vistors.

Fresh tip: be clear with yourself what collections are suitable for display and those that are not. If you can’t explain to others why a collection of old scrunchies has pride of place on the mantle piece, how do you think you’re going to explain the travel-size ‘Lovin’ Lamb Inflatable Love-Doll’?

Should I go to a sex party, Mia?

I can’t believe you are even asking this. Yes, of course you should be going to sex parties! Sooner or later, you’re also going to have to throw a sex party of your own to report back to your readers on. I won’t lie to you, this is going to be an ordeal. Let’s be honest, you can’t even throw a regular party, what makes you think you can pull off a sex-party? Remember that time you agreed to host your cousin’s baby shower, but the day before you got food poisoning, preventing your system from absorbing the prescription mood-stabilisers?

Anyway, let’s not dwell. It’s one night of your life with the potential to generate 3–4 stories, depending on the guests, and how atmospheric you are able to make your bedsit.

But Mia, I don’t have much space or money, how do I get this right? I don’t even have a dimmer switch! Oh my god, pull yourself together, fellow sex-writer! It’s a simple matter of taking a trip out to Target and buying a paddling pool in lieu of a spa, some towels to lay down on the bed and floor and a cheap desk light with good range, that you can cover in red cellophane. Set that mood!

But Mia, there’s nothing new in the world of sex to write about. I give up.

Hey, that’s not the sexittude!

Look, I get it. The sex thing has kind of been played out online. You write your article on pegging only to find eight other stories published on pegging that same week. Plus some hero has tried it out for themselves and managed to sound pretty convincing, thanks to at least one disturbing detail and a fuzzy, skin toned image below the sub title, with no source credit. Meanwhile, yours looks to have been lifted from Wikipedia. And, why would you put an image of a laundry peg above the story???? No wonder your readers got confused and blocked you.

The point is to get creative, guys. Pegging stories may be at saturation point, sure, but how many stories on elbing have you seen? That new sex-positive activity of rubbing your elbow against your partners? None, right? That’s because I just made it up.

But Mia, I hear you saying, elbing doesn’t sound sexy. Or even like an actual thing. Okay, I agree, but this is where we turn again to science. Or in this case, made up science and fabricated peer-review studies. Have you learned nothing?

But Mia, I’m not comfortable with that. I’m sorry, but do you want content or not? Sex-writers are bold and adventurous and I’m really not getting that vibe from you.

Sorry, Mia! This has been awesome advice. Catch you at the next sex-party!

Happy sex-writing!

Still hankering for more of my advice? Some tried and tested strategies for writing here.