Think of My Clit as a Small Penis

If my clit’s not hard, you can’t penetrate me

I had an experience with my boyfriend this morning. Mind you, this is a man who really cares for me. He doesn’t mind that I masturbate during sex. He licks me for hours. He is a complete gentleman and an amazing lover.

But even with him, he tried to penetrate me too soon. We had just started kissing and immediately he tried to slide his penis into my vagina.

We’d only just undressed and slipped into bed for this morning’s lovemaking session. Already he was going for penetration?

Wait. Not yet. Too soon. I’m not ready.

I had yet to become fully aroused. I was not fully lubricated. This also meant something else:

My clit was not erect.

Yes, physiologically, a woman’s clitoris becomes filled with blood when she gets turned-on, growing in girth and lengthening in size just like a tiny penis.

That’s when it clicked for me. Men need to start thinking of a female’s clitoris like it’s her penis. A woman’s “girl penis” needs to be “hard” before a man can penetrate her.

Only when her clit hardens does the inside of her vagina also lubricate. These two physical processes work in tandem.

When she’s aroused, the inside of her vagina also lengthens in depth as it readies to accept a penis inside it. Read: so it doesn’t hurt a woman when a man penetrates her. Otherwise, it sometimes does.

It takes a lot longer for a woman to get to the point where she’s primed for penetration than it does for a man.

Men don’t consider this. How can a man know what it feels like to be a woman when it’s so easy for him to become aroused? A hard penis is all it takes for penetration to happen.

He might be ready, but that doesn’t mean she is.

If men start to think of a woman’s clitoris in terms of it being her penis, maybe this will help a man to know what to look for. If her clit is hard, then he knows she’s ready for a penis inside of her.

If it isn’t, she’s not.

It simply takes a lot longer for a woman to get to the point where she’s primed for penetration than it does for a man. It’s more difficult for a woman to achieve her “erection.”

Trust me, I wish that my clitoris stood at attention with the same ease that a man’s penis does. I wish all I needed was to rub against something or even just have an erotic thought flit through my mind and boom, I’m hard.

It doesn’t work that way. Well, sometimes it does, but typically women need some extra stimulation for our clits to become erect.

Please understand — I’m not putting the onus all on men. Women also need to take responsibility for our pleasure.

Therein lies part of the problem. Because women have been shamed for being sexual, it’s sometimes difficult for us to communicate our needs. It’s hard for us to even know what our needs are. We’ve been taught by our parents and society at large not to explore ourselves.

We’ve been conditioned to view sex through a male lens that only reflects male needs. A male-centric view of sex prizes penetration over all other sexual practices.

Lesbian sex isn’t even viewed as “real sex” because there’s no penetration.

One rule is to wait until he sees that his female lover’s clitoris is erect before he even thinks about inserting his penis inside her.

To close the orgasm gap, I believe men and women must work together to improve a woman’s sexual experience. Men need to stop rushing toward penetration. One rule is to wait until he sees that his female lover’s clitoris is erect before he even thinks about inserting his penis inside her.

At the same time, women must permit themselves to demand that this occurs. For that to happen, they must also know that this physiologically takes place.

So next time you have sex, reach down and feel it.

Does your clit feel different? Does it feel more pronounced? Does it feel like a small nub that’s strangely hard? Ahem, like a tiny penis?

When both men and women check for this, sex is going to be a whole lot better for both partners.