Things You Should Know When You’re 60

This knowledge should make life easier for you and those around you.

As we go along in life, we should pick up different life skills. Those skills can help us survive different stages of life. By the time we hit 60, we’re nearing the final leg of the marathon that is our life. Hopefully, having, or acquiring these skills will help. And here we go:

1: Know how to fake a heart attack. No, you don’t have to go into full Fred Sanford mode, but by casually mentioning chest pains you can get out of some unpleasant situations. After all, if you’re 60 or older, how much of your remaining time do you want to spend doing things you don’t want to do?

2: Subtly mention you have a bad back. Somewhat related to the heart attack thing, but not as dynamic. There’s no need for you to wait until someone asks you to help them move to bring up your bad back. By mentioning it before a situation arises that needs a good back, you can preemptively shoot down a request to help on a work project.

3: When on an outing take note of where the bathrooms are. As you get older, you have to start acclimating to changes in your body. For example, when at a movie, it’s better to know where the bathroom is than having to spill a Coke on yourself to hide evidence.

4: Know how to break wind without missing a beat. I’ve roasted Rudy Giuliani on many occasions, but the man knows how to break wind. A subtle lift of a cheek, and a quick release, and it’s over. I wish Bears' QBs over the years had that sort of quick release.

5: Know how to maintain your cool when asked if your wife is your daughter. If there’s a huge age difference, that question is understandable. If she’s close to the same age, it’s a little more troubling. Personally, I take it as a compliment. I think it shows how easy I am to live with.

6: Know how high to pull up your pants. If you watch old movies or TV shows, you can see how high old guys used to pull up their pants. Sometimes it’s almost over their heads. If it looks like your hair is beating a hasty retreat and your pants are chasing it, make an adjustment.

7: Realize people know you’re dying your hair. The Grecian Formula people may say it’s so subtle nobody will notice, but that’s a crock. If the people around you don’t notice your hair has completely changed color in seven days, you’re hanging out with morons. If that’s the case, gray hair isn’t your biggest problem.

8: If your body is soft but your arteries are hard, do something about it. Especially that arteries thing. Ideally, it’s hard pecs and soft arteries. If you can only get one out of two, go for the second one.

9: Realize a shirt is a necessity, even at the beach or pool. As we get older, the term, “fallen flesh”, really starts to take meaning. Spare innocent onlookers.

10: If a young woman is giving you the eye, she is probably cross-eyed. Either that or mistakenly thinks you have money. Either of those possibilities will lead to disappointment if you take them seriously.

11: If you’re having problems in your marriage, it’s probably not because your spouse doesn’t know you, it’s because she does. Be realistic about what you can do to make it work. Being old doesn’t give you a license to act like a donkey.

12: Acknowledge that this may be as good as things get. At 60, you probably aren’t going to grow hair where you want it or get any better looking. Make the best of what you have. If you can’t change reality, change your attitude.

13: If your conversations start with, “When I was your age,” stop it. If you don’t, you’ll be talking to yourself.

14: If you’re more concerned with ED than senility, change your priorities. With that set of values, it’s no wonder old women are afraid to go to the nursing home. It’s like gramps is senile but virile. That’s a real bad combination.

15: Recognize you're a scam magnet. It’s not just Nigerian princes targeting you, tons of scam artists equate people of a certain age as being easy marks. In some cases, age brings wisdom, in others, it brings gullibility.

Got that? If not read it over again, the meter is running.

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