Should You Give Your Ex a Second Chance?
Is it ever a good idea? Questions to consider
A while ago, a good friend of mine got back with her ex-boyfriend. I won’t tell you the whole story, because it’s long and the point of this article is not to try to explain or decipher what happened in the fall. The point is to ask questions that might help you examine when getting back together is or isn’t a good idea.
Nathan and Danielle (names changed) dated for 5 years. In the last year of the relationship, Nathan’s behavior began to change. He became increasingly angry, distant, and critical, both of the relationship and of Danielle, who he claimed was solely to blame for the dire state of the relationship. Then, he dumped her. Danielle was devastated.
She experienced a cocktail of emotions: sadness, rejection, confusion, anger. Alongside that seething disappointment with ourselves which can come up after we feel we’ve been mistreated.
As Danielle’s friends, we rallied around her for support. We told her that she was better off, and meant it. We tried to organize fun things, we comforted her, we listened when she confided further details of the relationship.
You’ve heard this one before. Can you tell what happened six months later? Of course, you already know. Nathan came back a new man, completely remorseful and conscious of the errors of his ways, grovelling and asking to get back together. He’d been going through something, and he’d be better, he promised.
Danielle was confused. There is still a lot of love. But now there were a lot of other things there too.
This brings me to the question that Danielle anxiously asked me, the question of the day:
Should I give my ex a second chance?
Obviously, you are the only one who can make that call. You can ask people for advice and weigh it up according to how much you relate to or trust their judgment.
But if you have this question on your mind, this piece aims to help you consider your situation with a cool head. Although I should warn, you that as I told my friend, this question does not have a simple answer. Because at the heart of it is a question of philosophy and circumstance.
Should you get back with your ex?
If you’re asking, it’s important to recognize that part of you is probably worried that you shouldn’t. So what is that voice saying? Often, the question is disguised as something else. Something like:
- Can people change?
- Do people change?
- Will I get hurt again?
Are these your real questions? If so, these are easy.
- Can people change? Yes.
- Do people change? Sometimes.
- Will I get hurt again? Maybe. And that is the risk you would have to take.
These are unsatisfying answers, I know. But the big picture helps sometimes, and this is it. In Danielle’s case, I think she actually had another question in mind:
- What is the likelihood that my ex has changed and I won’t get hurt? Are there signs that can help me predict the future?
Ah, dear Danielle. I can’t help you with that one.
Objectivity is always helpful, and friends can help to look for signs that your ex is serious (or isn’t). You can also look out for red flags.
Red Flags
Over-dramatic gestures and pageantry, for example, could signal that someone is more interested in the chase than the relationship. Encouraging someone to distance themselves from their friends is a toxic sign of needing control. If the relationship broke down for reasons that seemed trivial, the second one probably doesn’t stand a good chance. Impatience or unwillingness to revisit what went wrong could be a sign that someone is not really serious.
But at the end of the day, only you know the ins and outs of your own relationship. What I can say is the following:
- There is a reason why the relationship didn’t work out in the first place — and it’s important to understand what it is
- Getting back together is a gamble
- People can change a bit, but not many do
A question of philosophy
Getting back together with someone is really a matter of personal philosophy, because it revolves around beliefs on if and how people (and relationships) can truly change.
If you were wronged, it may help to organize your thoughts on the following:
- Does my ex understand the impact of their actions?
- Am I truly willing to invest the head (and heart) space to forgive them?
- Can people change their behavior? Would you be ok with this person as you know they are?
If your answers are no, it’s probably not going to work.
It’s normal to have your guard up, but if you want the relationship, you’ll need to do a lot of work too. Because it is working to decide that you will put the baggage down and move forward. It is working to maintain your confidence in the face of someone who hurt you.
But you also can’t give things a real go if you are waiting for things to go wrong. And it’s not good for you, either.
You have to work with your own nature in the end. And you must be kind to yourself in the process.
Remember, that whether you do or you don’t, it’s OK. It’s OK if you want to give it a second go, and it’s OK to be fed up. It’s OK to seek counseling. It’s OK to not believe that someone you love or loved will change. It’s also OK if you want to ‘gather more evidence’, ie. to observe for a while to see if you really believe that a big enough change has happened. It may also give you time to sit with your thoughts for a while.
Take it from a virtual friend. It’s all OK. And you don’t owe your decision to anyone.
What’s the worst that could happen? What’s the best that could happen?
These are the final questions I ask friends who ask advice on getting back together with someone. Because the first is the greatest cost of the gamble. And the second is the biggest reward.
I find that often, my friends can answer the first one very well. The second? Not so much. What does that indicate? When there is so much pain and fear that they can’t visualize a happy future? It’s a sad place to be.
Most people will advise against getting back with an ex, and for good reason. I’m sure if there were statistics somewhere on how often it works out, the success rate would be low. Remember when seeking advice that friends usually want you to choose the option with the least risk of you getting hurt, and yes, that is the road without your ex.
Still, if you’re the friend giving advice, it’s also important to recognize that this is a difficult question for your friend to ask you. Your friend is likely conflicted, and sympathy can go a long way. One of their concerns is probably that their friends won’t have their back if it doesn’t work out. So being supportive is key.
I’ve known people (the minority, yes), successfully get back with their ex-partners and go on to have perfectly healthy (eventually) relationships. And I’ve seen a lot more second-chance relationships collapse at the slightest tug.
I’ve also seen people get back with others for nothing other to be sure that the breakup was a good idea. To turn the question mark into a full stop. It’s painful, but there can be enormous satisfaction in knowing wholeheartedly that yes, it is 100% a bad idea for us to be together. Sometimes, this is all we are after.
That said, if you are in a cycle of breaking up and getting back together, something intrinsically doesn’t work, and you have to acknowledge that this type of behavior is neither normal nor healthy. You’ve got to be able to see bad habits and cycles and to know when to throw in the towel.
Like many things in life, relationships need boundaries. And if you’re really weighing up whether to give an ex a second chance or not, you need to think about where yours are. What is OK? What is not OK? What is it that you need? Are you going to get it?
Whatever you go decide, listen to your gut, but try not to be dictated by it. If you’re really torn, try to pause. Ask yourself questions as objectively as you can. Look at actions rather than words. It is those that usually hold the answers.
What are your thoughts? I’d love to know in the comments.
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