avatarRuby Noir 😈

Summary

The author, an atheist, expresses the discomfort and pain caused by others imposing religious beliefs and comforts, particularly in times of grief, and advocates for respecting individual belief systems.

Abstract

The article discusses the author's personal experience as an atheist who faces insensitivity from religious individuals during times of grief. Despite being open about their atheism, the author faces unsolicited religious comfort, such as being told their deceased loved ones are watching over them or that they will be reunited, which they find cruel rather than comforting. The author emphasizes the importance of respecting an atheist's perspective on death as final, without the hope of reunion, and argues that imposing religious beliefs is not only unhelpful but also hurtful. They highlight the double standard where atheists are expected to tolerate religious imposition while any attempt to dissuade someone from their beliefs would be seen as inappropriate. The author calls for empathy and understanding, suggesting that comments and actions should be considerate of the individual's stated beliefs, especially when dealing with the irreparable nature of grief.

Opinions

  • Imposing religious beliefs on an atheist, especially during grief, is wrong and causes additional pain.
  • Atheists should be shown the same respect for their beliefs as religious people expect for theirs.
  • The author appreciates kind gestures but does not appreciate being told they will see their deceased loved ones again, as it contradicts their beliefs.
  • The author believes that freedom of religion also includes freedom from religion, and this should be respected in discourse and interactions.
  • The author feels that sharing personal stories of grief or suggesting false hope is not empathetic and does not alleviate the pain of others.
  • The author is prepared to enforce boundaries on their online content to prevent religious imposition and maintains that it is unfair to expect atheists to accept religious consolation while any form of discouragement of religious beliefs is seen as hate speech.
  • The author has a deep understanding of grief, having written extensively on the subject, and emphasizes that grief is a unique and lifelong experience for each individual.

Things People Don’t Believe In

It’s not comfort… it actually hurts more.

Photo by Frans Van Heerden: Pexels

I’ve never hidden the fact that I’m an atheist.

I actually have a tattoo for it and a window sticker on my car. But I am friends with deeply religious people because I’m also not an asshole about it.

I don’t call your religion or your belief system stupid or tell you that you shouldn’t believe it or attempt to talk you out of it.

I would like the same respect and I’m going to explain why it should NEVER be said.

Pushing religion on someone is wrong. Full stop. It’s WRONG. Doing so in the face of deep grief… is actually painful. You may think you’re offering comfort in the only way that you know how… but you’re not. What you’re really doing is causing more pain.

I do not see it as intentional. That’s the reason I’m writing this. I don’t think it’s a malicious act. Just like when people offer to pray for me, I always say thank you in return. I do not believe in the power of prayer but I do believe in a kind gesture. If that is someone’s way of being kind, I’m grateful that they feel enough concern for me to include me in something they believe in.

But when it comes to death, you should ALWAYS respect someone’s belief system or lack thereof. Telling an atheist that someone they’ve lost is watching over them, or that they will be reunited with them is flat-out cruel. It may not be intended that way, but look at it from a perspective other than your own.

I’ve lost a lot of people in my life. But the deepest pain I feel is the loss of my dog, Torey. I wrote about her earlier today because she was on my mind. I cried the entire time I typed that piece. Her loss is still exceedingly palpable in my life. There is a beagle shaped hole in me that will never be filled. She was a rescue but she saved me in ways that are difficult to put into words. She spent all but 8 weeks of her life with me. To be exact… that dog loved me for 16 years, one month, and 24 days.

I will love her forever.

But I do not believe that I will ever see her again. And in a way, I’m jealous of people who have that belief because I’m sure it provides at least some comfort in the face of deep and lasting grief.

Death for an atheist is permanent. That loss is forever. They’re gone, they’re not coming back, you will never see them ever again. It’s hard enough to struggle through that without someone giving you an idea that you do not believe in.

Reverse it for a second.

If you believe in heaven and the rainbow bridge and all of that… if you believe that at the end of your life, you will be reunited with your lost loved ones, and I came up and said how sorry I was because you’ll never ever ever see them again, would that be comforting to you? Or cruel?

If you can see it as cruel to take that notion away, you should be able to see the notion of false hope in the same light.

And false hope isn’t even a good term for it. Hope implies a belief that there’s a possibility. That hope doesn’t exist in this circumstance and you can’t force yourself to believe something when it’s convenient for you to do so.

When I lost my dog two years ago, I heard non-stop about the rainbow bridge. It was horrible for me. Having all of these people telling me about this beautiful place where she was waiting for me… it wasn’t comforting, it was PAINFUL. Because I DON’T BELIEVE IN IT.

Pushing that on someone who is already in pain and has flat out stated that they don’t believe in it, is unfair, unkind, and unnecessary. You can offer words of comfort without inserting your own beliefs.

For that matter, when someone writes about some part of their life and includes within that same piece things that they DON’T believe in, calling that PROOF that their lack of belief system is FALSE is not only unwanted, it’s arrogant as hell.

I will fight to my dying breath for your right to believe whatever you want because I believe in freedom of religion. But I also strongly believe in freedom FROM religion. You can believe whatever you want to. I support that and even encourage it and hope that it works well for your life. But it’s not a part of mine. So keep it out of my comments.

If you can’t do that, do not comment on my pieces with your religious and spiritual shpiel or I will block you. It’s WRONG.

Atheists often are given absolutely ZERO consideration in this matter. I’m supposed to allow for any and all belief systems while it’s totally okay for others to consign me to hell (not really a good threat to someone who doesn’t believe in hell, just saying), or push their beliefs on me. But if I did the opposite, if I tried to talk someone OUT of their religion, it would be met with HUGE disapproval and probably reported as some sort of hate speech.

How come it’s okay one way but not the other?

I’d NEVER tell you not to believe. So don’t tell me TO believe.

Fair is fair.

But the fact of the matter remains, I thought it was about time someone informed you that it’s not comforting, it’s actually painful and you really need to stop.

While I know it’s not malicious, it still hurts. You don’t have to actively be trying to hurt someone to achieve the same result.

I’m a fan of the block feature and in most cases, I do not give warnings, I just tune you out and move on with my life… but this I felt needed to be said and read.

What you’re doing is cruel.

When someone writes their pain and allows you to view it, should you choose to comment, you should ALWAYS ask yourself if your comment is helpful or harmful.

When it comes to grief especially, respect someone’s belief system… even if it’s not your own. Because it’s harmful when you don’t.

For that matter sharing stories of having been through “the same thing” is also not helpful. Not for deep grief. Because no two people experience grief the same way. Helping someone through grief means listening, caring, and understanding that they’re in pain. A type of pain that never heals. It scars and becomes easier to live with… but it never fully leaves you.

I wrote an entire book on grief and it’s in the hands of an editor. Whether or not it will be published, I do not know yet… but this is an area that I know from which I speak.

You can empathize without pushing religious beliefs that the person in question does not share, or without telling stories you decided are the same but really aren’t because everyone is different. Doing those things makes their pain about YOU.

It’s time someone started standing up for the atheists and saying this is not okay. Because it’s really, really not.

Life
Life Lessons
Religion
Grief
Belief
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