Things I Wish I Could Tell My 18-Year-Old Self
My honest 22-nd birthday reflection.
Time is personal. You feel time when your life changes, or when you change personally, not when the calendar flips. Maybe it’s because these last four years were the time when I was supposed to be in college.
Today I am 22. And I feel like a certain period that lasted since I was 18 has ended.
Today I am entering a new life stage. I don’t know whether it’s adulthood or not, but probably something close. I didn’t feel like an adult at 18. Neither did I feel it last year when I turned 21 and was (finally) able to legally drink in the States. But I do feel now.
How do I feel it?
I feel content. I feel — probably for the first time — happy with where I am in life. I feel happy being me. Not because I’ve achieved something grand, but because I am where I am.
I used to have a birthday tradition.
I would write a long article with all the lessons I’ve learned over the past year. But this year I don’t want to do that. I wrote “19 Lessons 2019 Has Taught Me” and said everything I wanted to say there.
This year I want to do something else entirely. I want to connect with my 18-year-old self and talk to him. I want to offer him guidance because that boy, — like most 18-year-olds — is completely lost in life.
When I was 18, I had fears, doubts, I was insecure, and I hid all of that underneath relentless ambition. I was a dick. And I was difficult to be around.
A lot has happened since then. I tried launching a few businesses. I learned how to communicate with people. I lived in 3 different countries. I read books and traveled extensively. I made and lost friends and girlfriends. I almost married once.
I’ve tried doing so many different things — if I list them all here, you will get bored too soon.
And I still have a few points to make.
Relax
The funniest thing: I now feel younger than at 18. Back then, I wanted everything — and fast. I rushed. I wanted to make money. I wanted to prove to the world I mattered (I still do in some way). I wanted to show my family I was independent. I’ve made many mistakes.
So — to start, I’d tell my 18-year-old this: ease up on people. Relax. Breathe. Take a break. Stop being so damn angry with yourself and others. Stop beating yourself up, you’re fine. It’s not worth it.
When I was 18, I pressured myself too much. I wanted everything in my life to be perfect. If I ran — I had to be the fastest runner. If I made money, I had to make more than other people. If I did my SATs, they had to be ideal.
This drive brought me places, of course. I scored in the top-1% on my SATs and ran a half-marathon. But all of these achievements don’t matter if, in the process, I was cruel to myself.
But of course, I wouldn’t have listened. And that’s OK — I needed that experience to be where I am now.
Money Is (Really) Overrated
Money is overrated. I had none — and I was obsessed with it. As a result, over the last four years, I got into debilitating debt, which I still pay for. But again — all of this is part of the growing up experience.
Nobody told me then that money is irrelevant if you’re earning them doing something you hate.
Looking back, I think I had all the answers. I knew what was right for me — even then. I just failed to act on that knowledge.
For two reasons:
- I didn’t trust my intuition.
- I valued other people’s opinions too much.
So — there are two more takeaways right there, my dear 18-year-old.
Always trust your gut feeling, and it doesn’t matter (at all) what other people think. Believe it or not, it’s true. All that matters is what you think of yourself.
As Naval Ravikant said, “Self-esteem is nothing more than self-respect.”
Do the right thing not because somebody else is watching, but because you’re watching.
But again — you learn these things only with time. And I am just coming to realize them now. I still have a long way to go. So don’t beat yourself up.
Forget About Speed
Speed is overrated too. All of the mistakes I made during the last four years were somehow related to speed.
The 18-year-old me is not to blame: high speed is encouraged everywhere. Open Fast Company, and you’ll see endless examples of 19-year-old millionaires and sensational “overnight successes.” Open Instagram — and everybody is (seemingly) perfect. No wonder young folks have FOMO and value speed so much.
All of this, of course, is bullshit.
I wish I wasn’t jealous of others. I wish I dared to stop being around people who were obsessed with speed, material success, and comparing themselves with others.
There’s no nobility is achieving anything early.
If you do — you rid yourself of the precious opportunity to waste time, goof off and do nothing.
Contrary to common wisdom, being patient and wasting time doing random things (instead of chasing the quick buck) is extremely beneficial long-term. It allows you to explore yourself, life, and your options. Rushing to make money only leaves you stressed out and miserable.
There’s almost no way you know what you want to do in life at 18 or 20. Rushing to prove something to the world only leads to disappointment.
Stop rushing. There’s no such thing as “too late”. Life is not a mile race, and there’s no PE teacher standing with a stopwatch.
But the problem with impatience is not that you’ll fail. I rushed and failed (a lot). And I am glad I failed. All I ended up with is having massive debt and experience — which is, as Paul Graham jokes, “roughly what you expect to get out of a graduate program at an Ivy League school.”
It would have been a whole another bag if I succeeded. I would have been stuck with that business, that girl, that commitment, that … (fill in the blank), possibly, for the rest of my life. I would have regretted it.
Everyone wants to be Zuckerberg, but I bet that his life feels like running a marathon ever since he turned 19, and not stopping — not once — to catch his breath.
Speed, money, early success, and greatness in general — all of these things are highly overrated. I wish I knew that at 18.
What Should You Do At 18? (And Later)
But all of the things I talked about so far fall in the “What NOT to do” category. “What about some practical advice?” you might ask. And I am glad you did.
If I had the brains or the guidance at 18, I would have done a few things differently.
Here’s what you should do:
1. Learn the value of money.
Educate yourself and build healthy financial habits. Nobody taught me that, but I wish I knew the importance of saving money (i.e., Pay-Yourself-First) and the dangers of getting into “bad debt.”
I wish I knew that it’s not how much you make that counts, but how much you save — your net profit margin on life.
The best way to learn the value of money at 18 is to get a job and make some. But don’t look for anything fancy (fuck P&G). Just start making money as soon as possible to be able to live independently and move out.
You don’t need to read books on “personal finance.” The most important things in life are often the simplest. To lose weight, burn more calories than you consume. To become rich, make as much money as you can, save a portion, and invest.
It’s not the money that makes you rich; it’s the habits around them.
2. Build a valuable skill.
Find something you’re interested in and build a skill. Learn something other people are willing to pay for. Get better at it, and charge more.
Don’t obsess over your passion — it makes people paralyzed, and you won’t know if you’ve found it anyway. Instead, let passion find you through skill mastery.
When I dropped out of college at 18, I started working as a social media manager for my father’s company. Four years later (today), I am using those skills for my career as an online writer and Head of Content at a startup. You just never know where it’ll lead you.
But having a skill that pays will motivate you to keep learning, becoming better, and scoring those 10,000 hours. It will also help you build self-respect and independence.
3. Don’t obsess over your work.
Spend 50% of your time (maybe more) doing something non-practical. Plunge yourself in a project that has no material benefit. Read a book on an unrelated topic. Go live in Asia for a few months. Live life.
I started doing those things just recently — and I still have to push myself. We’re wired to be too practical. But it’s by doing something meaningful (as opposed to practical) that real breakthroughs happen.
I like two points of view on this subject.
Kevin Kelly said, “Productivity is for middle ages, youth is for exploration. You need to spend this time goofing off and doing nothing.”
Most great people have extensive periods of self-discovery. Most mediocre people spent their lives chasing one goal after another.
In the Wealthy Gardener book, the author makes the following metaphor: life goes in seasons, just like nature. You have spring, summer, and fall. When you’re under 30, you’re still in your spring (preparatory) stage.
Use that time to build a foundation (the soil) of your life, to build later — in your summer stage (30–60 years). Do everything right, and by 60, your fall stage, you’ll be able to reap the rewards.
4. Surround yourself with people who love you.
When I was 18, I remember getting advice from my father’s friend, “Surround yourself with the right people.” I nodded as if I understood. But I didn’t.
What the hell is “the right person”? There are no tags on people.
Recently I discovered that the criteria of “rightness” is whether a person loves you. Do they love you as a friend? Family? As a partner? Do they support you? Are they there for you when you need them? Do you feel good being around them?
Don’t rush into relationships, marriage, and commitments (again — you’ll have time later), but surround yourself with people who give a damn. Get rid of toxic, pessimistic people. They will poison your life, and their beliefs are self-fulfilling.
5. Spend time defining “success.”
Once you define it, you’ll have a natural BS filter when it comes to other people’s advice.
All my adult life (which is not quite long, but still) I’ve been given the advice to focus. And I listened — and had to abandon projects I felt good about, just for the sake of “focus.”
But one day, I woke up and said, “Why the hell should I focus if I love doing many things at once?” If “focus” is what you need to be successful, then let’s get rid of the traditional definition of success altogether.
Be successful on our terms. If you are multi-passionate and love doing many things at once, let yourself be that.
6. Build a platform.
When I was 18, I was obsessed with Gary Vaynerchuk. I would watch him day and night. I remember one advice from him to young people in particular that stuck with me:
Close your eyes until you’re 29. You’re still too young.
Whether you’re 18 or 22 (like I am now), we’re still too young. The best use of the next decade would be to focus on building a platform that will serve as a foundation for your future success.
My platform is this blog. It’s having readers and audience — people I can talk to and share my point of view with. My platform is not as much the follower count, as it is the relationship I have with my readers. It’s trust.
It might be different for you. Maybe you’re like Warren Buffett — and you start saving money at 20, and accumulating your financial snowball. Maybe you’re already building a business you want to dedicate your whole life to. Find something that works for you.
You’ll be able to achieve everything — just not all at once. Close your eyes until you’re 29. And build your platform.
Time is personal. A new day starts not at midnight, but when I wake up and have breakfast. Adulthood comes not at 18, or 21 — but when you’re ready for it.
Writing this allowed me to connect to my 18-year-old self. It allowed me to put an end to this 4-year life phase that I was in and enter a new one. Life is long. There will be new lessons, new takeaways, and new posts written.
At the time of this writing, my sister is 18 years old. I hope she reads this — and takes the path I just traveled by. I hope that for her — and you — it will make all the difference.