Things I Wish I Knew When I Was Young

Life’s lessons learnt the hard way

I looked at my father’s dead body lying in the van, inches from me. I was nine years old and I could not believe that my father was dead from a road accident. My sister and mother were sitting on the other side of the van. We had collected my father’s body from the hospital and were now heading towards his ancestral village to light the funeral pyre.

Tears had long dried up in my eyes, much like his blood that I saw all across the road where he had died.

I contemplated what life would be like without my father. He was a strict man but he loved me a lot. I used to fear his anger but also loved his laughter. I could not imagine at that time, how much I would come to miss both.

We picked the threads of life again and started stitching it back, slowly and painfully. Suddenly, I did not have an adult telling me what to do, or not do. My mother while still grieving got busy working to make sure that our family had food on the table. My elder sister had gone into a shock from my father’s death. She loved father more than me and his death had taken a heavy emotional toll on her.

It felt liberating to not have father’s rigid discipline in my life any longer. I felt a bit guilty too at enjoying this newfound freedom, despite what it cost me and my family.

I had always been fond of books but retreated into them even more after father’s death. Books seemed to take away some of the pain that I felt from being fatherless and rudderless. I was intelligent enough to pass exams easily and never bothered to put any more effort than just clearing them and staying out of trouble.

In India, so many things are influenced by fathers right till you become an adult. Often, well beyond that. Fathers tell you what vocation is best for you. They advise you on matters of finances. They tell you what mistakes to avoid in life and what kinds of friends to make. They reprimand you when you break rules or stray beyond unspoken boundaries. Mothers on the other hand, just let you be yourself.

At least that was how it was for me when I was younger.

My mother became quite lenient with us. Partly because she felt she had to take it easy with fatherless kids, partly because it was her nature. I grew up not getting and also not bothering to follow any advice.

Teenagers normally behave like that. But I was extreme.I felt I was smart enough not to need any supervision. I refused to submit or listen to any authority or reason.

I was just drifting away in life like a dry leaf caught in a sudden gust of wind.

I fared poorly in exams but instead of studying, I would read novels all day long. I grew fat and lazy and shunned any physical activity. To top it all, I got diabetes. My mother lost her teaching job and we had difficulty making ends meet with whatever meagre savings we had. My sister took up a job but that had barely enough salary to sustain us. We had to stay at my uncle’s place for some time since we did not even have money enough to pay rent.

It was the darkest period of my life.

I eventually came out of it but it took many hard knocks and painful experiences to teach me some important life lessons. Lessons that I wish I had learnt when I was much younger.

It Is Not About What You Have, But What You Do With It That Matters

I felt like the unluckiest guy on earth at that time. I grew to resent others good fortune or success. I saw all my friends had a father, alive and guiding them. They had nice houses and inherited wealth. Their mothers were not struggling to make ends meet.

It seemed to me life had handed me a bucket load of shit on top of a pile of turd.

How blind I was!

I had so much that many did not have in my country. I had a great education-the best anybody could get. My father had put me in one of the best (and costliest) private schools in the state. My mother made sure I continued my studies in that school even after my father died. That too, despite the sharp drop in family income as a result of this loss.

I also had my brains. I may not have been the smartest kid in town but way better than most. It would take me little effort to retain and remember lessons. Thanks to my reading habit, I had a way with words and could write better than anybody my age.

Finally, and the most important thing I had a family that cared for me. My mother and sister were putting so much effort into making sure that I had everything in life to be successful. They believed in me and my potential to achieve success in life.

The problem was, I did not share their belief.

Instead, I wallowed in self-pity like a pig in the mud. I finally got success when I realised the value of the very things I thought were useless. Things like good education, intelligence and family.

These things can be enough to make you successful. Hell, many don’t even have these and still they become successful.

It’s not about the cards you are dealt, but how you played the hand.

-Randy Pausch, The Last Lecture

If You Have A Why, You Can Bear Any How

In my youth, I just lived, without any real purpose and meaning in life. Deep down, my father’s death had made me question the value of having purpose in life . My father had saved enough money after a great struggle to buy a house but died before he could realise his dream.

What was the point in having goals in life when you could die at any time?

“He who has a why to live for can bear almost any how.”

— Nietzche

It was much later when I read Viktor Frankl’s “Man’s Search For Meaning” that I came across the above quote by Nietzche. Dr Frankl, a holocaust survivor, discovered that Nietzche had stated a deep truth about life with these words.

While in a concentration camp he discovered that prisoners who had something to look forward to, like reuniting with their family, were better able to endure the miseries of the camp than those who had lost all purpose in life.

I wish I had realised the purpose of my life much earlier. It would have made me bear with a grin, all the real and imagined miseries in my life. Instead, I wasted so much time pitying myself and cursing my misfortunes.

I wish I had learnt sooner that seeking and having a purpose makes every adversity bearable.

With purpose, you can endure any pain, but without it, everything seems painful.

Love Yourself Like Your Life Depends On It

I hated the guts out of myself in my twenties. I hated the shape of my body. I hated my shy nature. I hated the rough edges of my personality as it made it difficult for me to make friends.

Most of all I hated the little voice inside me telling me I was made to be a better person.

I hated myself so much that I dressed sloppily and made jokes on myself in front of others.Now I realise that a lot of this hate came from a victim mindset.

I was living on Pity Island with a total population of one.

I refused to love myself or be loved by anybody else because I had started enjoying my stay on pity island. I did not want to leave even though I knew that I had overstayed my welcome.

In his book “ Love Yourself Like Your Life Depends On It”, Kamal Ravikant talks about a dark period in his life, and how he overcame it. He simply repeated the mantra “ I love myself” millions of time. He was ultimately able to make it an automatic thought and that enabled him to come out of his darkness.

It took me so much time to figure out that I needed to love myself, first and foremost. You can never make others happy or love others if you are unhappy and unloved. You deserve to be loved, by yourself and others around you.

The process has to start by first being kind to yourself.

Learn to be comfortable in your skin. Because you will not get any other in this lifetime.

I still count myself lucky that I have learnt these lessons, even though they came to me a bit late in life. I would be more than happy if you can benefit even a little from my life experiences and the lessons it taught me. Hope these lessons help you squeeze every ounce of joy that one gets of a life well lived.

After all, there is no fun in growing old if you have more regrets than the wrinkles on your face.