CLOSE ENCOUNTERS OF THE PURPLE KIND

They Took The Road Less Traveled

Luckily, the traffic was two-way.

It was another aromantic Valentine’s Day. While there were no overpriced roses, no shit Spanish wine blend, and no tasteless milk chocolates— I smiled through the loneliness. I spent the day demonstrating platonic love to my friends and family and was exhausted. I located my silk embroidered ‘wake me for mimosas’ sleep mask. It was Beddy-bye time.

A deep, vibrational hum rattled my collection of Precious Moments figurines. An angel kissing a pack of bacon clattered to the ground — its halo damaged. I went outside. A glowing purple diamond hovering in the sky.

The next few moments were a blur. I saw a cylindrical spacecraft. The ship rapidly centered on me. A strong energy pulled me into its shimmering periwinkle orifice. I passed out.

I was rudely awakened from my nap. “The probe didn’t work. I’m going in manually.” Two short-fingered beings hovered over me. They had two-inch glowing purple fingers and large eyes. Their bodies were weird gray-brown like all the Play-Doh colors mixed. They were wrinkly, like your grandfather’s neck. I was naked. My feet were in stirrups.

I heard some faint squishing noises and surrendered to the pleasure.

“Leave your keycard in the bunk next time. It took 140 suncycles to get back here! Hurry up!” Then, “JEEZHUS Xeneon, it’s about time you fished that thing out! Let’s go — it’s dinnertime”

I passed out again.

When I woke — I could vaguely see the UFO ascending. An amethyst glimmer. I was in a field. I rose— dusting my filthy clothing. All this was for… a keycard?! They violaceously invaded me — leaving only a grape gape.

I hope they visit next Valentine’s Day. I’ll wear something lacy. I, for one, welcome our alien overlords.

Have you ever been finger blasted by an otherworldly being?