Humor

They Sent a Lizard as My Cardio Training Coach

It was trained to maintain social distancing

I have put on lockdown weight. The lockdown left but my weight hasn’t. I used inspiration from one of the chapters from Indian History, known as the Simon Commission¹ when the freedom fighters had prepared a slogan that read, ‘’Simon, go back.’’

Assuming, Simon was the enemy and he should be sent back. I made a slogan on the same lines that read, ‘’Extra weight, go back.’’

But I should have learned from History, that it would take years, before, both Simon and the fat disappear.

So I searched and found a weight loss app on the Google play store. Killthefuckingfat. The name immediately caught my attention and I wondered if Google could track my thoughts too. Anyway, I loved the app and immediately purchased their three-monthly plan.

In that plan, I would be getting a free customized diet plan, a calorie chart to keep the calorie counts in check, a series of exercise CDs that have to be performed day wise, a diary to be used as a food journal, and a SPECIAL COACH for weight loss.

I was elevated by the word ‘special.’

Before they could design anything for me, I had to fill a form. The form had questions relating to my basic information such as height, weight, age, etc. But one question that stood out was: What was I most afraid of?

And in front of that question, they had provided a small square-shaped box.

Now how to tell these app people, that there’s hardly anything on this earth that doesn't scare the hell out of me. Cockroaches, insects, especially the flying ones, darkness, strangers, ghosts, and the list goes up to infinity.

But I had to write only ONE.

So I wrote a lizard because I had watched a lizard on my balcony last night. I also felt this information was the least important one. This was just a marketing gimmick, I thought. Playing the emotion card, because they know this will work very well in India.

After my membership was confirmed and the fee paid, a package arrived from the app guys the next day. My security guard called up from the building’s common number and said, ‘’Madame, your parcel has arrived from, uh??’’

I sensed he was not able to pronounce the app’s name. Obviously, he was used to Amazon, Nykka, and Myntra. Who on earth would expect a parcel from ‘Killthefuckingfat?’ I told him he should let the man in.

I was thrilled that my weight loss journey was about to begin and more so about the ‘special’ coach, the app people had promised. I opened the box and found — A customized diet plan, a small diary to maintain as a food journal, a list of foods with calories in them, and a box I saved for the last because it read ‘Special coach’ and seemed the most appealing to me.

I opened it, uncovered the box, and flew a thousand miles away in horror.

A lizard crawled out of the box and settled by the tube light of my living room. If I hadn’t been quivering with fear, I swear it looked like she knew where she was to station herself. Left in the box, was a note that was placed beneath its keister, it read —

‘’Please welcome Ms. Lizzy who will be your cardio coach for the next 3 months. She will be with you 24/7 to ensure you are getting your daily dose of cardio exercise.’’

Weight loss, my fucking ass.

I furiously left the room and tried to get in touch with the app guys. I was so angry and shaken that I almost yelled at the slightest hint of a voice, not realizing it was the pre-recorded voice of a telephone operator on the other side.

I paused, and let my heartbeat settle down. While I was on hold, I kept a check on the lizard's position. It was still near the tube light, and I knew she was looking at me through its peripheral vision.

He/she who cares what the MotherF****r was.

45 minutes passed away no one answered. I tried calling several times but it was the operator’s voice every time. I felt cheated.

What on earth was I thinking?

How did I believe in the 4.9 ratings given to the app?

How did I believe that the comments in the review section were from genuine people?

What was I supposed to do now?

I peeped through the glass door again and saw the lizard exactly as it was 45 minutes ago. Stuck near the light right above the couch.

That cold-blooded bitch.

But my stuff was still there, in her territory and I kept trying to retrieve my stuff one by one. But every time I stepped closer, it moved forward a few steps, making me run back to the passage.

We kept doing that until what seemed like an eternity.

That uneventful day passed by. And then many such days turned into weeks. But, Ms. Lizzy never left the house, and the app guys never picked up my call.

I tried all methods of shooing it away — sweeping it off with my broomstick, calling the house-keeping staff to kill it, scaring her with hawk sounds, making her smell a combo of egg-shells and garlic cloves, and even showed her a video of giant hissing cobra in HD quality, coupled with the surround sound of Alexa.

But nothing worked on that pain-in-the-ass bitch.

She kept me on her toes 10 times a day with three repetitions each. And the number of repetitions doubled on the days I tried to kill her. I couldn't even abandon the room just because she had hijacked a corner. It wasn't that I was born with a silver spoon and could therefore let a lizard stay in my flat rent-free.

Sometimes I doubted if it was a she. The way it looked at me with those neon-green eyes, every time I got sweaty in my workout clothes. I wish I could tell her that the look was creepy and she should stop it. But then I consoled myself by saying it was okay until it’s all lookey-lookey and no touchey-touchey.

Almost 3 months passed by.

I followed the diet plan, worked out watching the CDs, maintained my food diary, ran for at least four miles everyday… from living room to bedroom, from the living room to the passage, to the toilet, to the bathroom to the building’s lobby area, to my neighbor's house, to the market, everywhere I ran and the starting point was always the living room.

After 3 months, and after losing 10 kgs I finally got a call from the app guys. The guy spoke to me as if he had no clue what was going to come up. But I had kept the volcano all set to let go and I gave him all swear words that I had learned since the day I was born.

But he sounded least bothered and asked… how much ma’am?

I asked how much what????

How much weight did you lose ma'am?

Umm, 10 kgs.

He said... ‘’Told ya.. it works.’’

Then he said something that should have relieved me but instead, it horrified me. He said he wants to take Ms. Lizzie back as her time was over. He told Ms. Lizzie was sent to me as my cardio coach, who was specially trained in their lab. He also said a guy was on his way to get Ms. Lizzie back.

‘’Noooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo’’ I yelled.

‘’Lizzy is the best. Yes, she is yucky, disgusting, pervert, and creepy but that's the only qualities that could make me run. Please don't take her away from me.’’

But the app guy didn't listen.

Why would he? The 3 months of subscription were over. He sent one of the guys to pick up Ms. Lizzy. But it seemed she really enjoyed her work because she made the pickup guy run too, and a lot.

It wasn’t before 30 minutes, that he could finally pack her back in the box.

If I knew today would be my last day of cardio training with her, I would have tried to catch her. That would have burned at least 400 calories. But one needs guts for that, which the guy had and I didn't.

Anyway, Lizzy was gone and I was sad.

The walls felt empty without her. My living room seemed dead. Nothing thrilled me anymore. I was so used to the presence of a reptile that I went to the stationery shop and got a plastic lizard and stuck it to the same corner where Lizzie once stayed.

But it wasn't the same at all.

This Lizzy was fake, and I knew because it didn't move. Eventually, I got relaxed again, stopped the diet plan, stopped the exercise, and lost the food journal.

I again put on the weight I had lost and again subscribed for the same health plan, only this time I bought a 6-month subscription.

And guess what?

Lizzy is stationed right across the wall when I am typing this last sentence and she is watching me and regarding me intently.

It seems like she knows I am writing about her, smart girl!

¹ There was an incident during India’s struggle for freedom called “Simon’s Commission.” This commission proposed by the British govt. had only Britishers as members and not a single Indian was a part of that commission. This was considered as an insult by the Indian freedom fighters and one of the members of the youth congress, Mehrally, coined a slogan called “Simon go back” to not let officer Simon come to India. The new Tory government in Britain constituted a Statutory Commission under Sir John Simon. It was set up in response to the nationalist movement. The commission was to look into the functioning of the constitutional system in India and suggest changes. The problem was that the commission didn’t have a single Indian member. When the Commission arrived in India in 1928, it was greeted with the slogan ‘Go back, Simon’. All parties, including the Congress and the Muslim League, participated in the demonstrations.

©Bhavna Narula, 2021. All rights are reserved by the author.