They Don’t Know You

What They Think of You is None of Your Business

I used to believe that if I was non-judgmental, respectful, and welcoming to everyone around me, then the same would always be given to me. As long as I did what I could to foster a positive environment for myself and everyone around me, then only positive experiences would be shared between us.

This positive and naive mindset, charged by my belief in concepts like The Law of Attraction and Positive Mental Attitude, carried me through life. However, this idealistic lens eventually cracked, and left me grappling with pain and heartbreak

Unfortunately, not everyone will like you. No matter how much, or little, they know about you, and no matter how much you try to keep things friendly.

Not everyone is going to like you, and that’s perfectly okay because your worth is not based on their opinion.

It’s In Your Nature to Care

Humans are hardwired for connection.

We start our life in a relationship — child and caregiver. This builds the foundation of our understanding of the world; we need to be connected to survive.

During childhood, we learn that even though we‘re not as dependent on physical needs, we still need emotional connections from our friends and family in order to survive. We realise how great it feels to be invited to play with others, and how painful it is to be rejected.

As we grow up, we continue caring what others think of us. This is normal. It’s a fundamental part of our human experience. We explore connections, find ones that positively charge us, and encourage us to be the best version of ourselves.

Caring what others think of you does, however, become detrimental to your mental health when you base your self worth on what others think of you.

I’m incredibly guilty of this. I’ve spent countless nights tossing and turning, thinking about past moments that have caused me pain or upset. Additionally, I hyper-fixate on what others potentially think of me, and think of ways I can avoid future pain, rejection, or mistreatment from them.

Self-Worth Over Others’ Opinions

It’s not about what they think of you. It’s about what you think of yourself.

This is one of the best pieces of advice given to me from a friend.

Honestly, before he said this to me, I had never asked myself, ‘What do I think of myself?’. For so long I had based my self-worth on what others thought of me, why did it matter what I thought of myself? My self-esteem and self-worth was so low, that I thought that my own opinion of myself was irrelevant.

What people think of you is none of your business.

The thing is, if your self-worth is built upon the validation of others, then you will never feel secure. Peoples’ judgements fluctuate, sometimes constantly, so if that’s the foundation of your self-worth, then you will constantly feel unstable.

While others’ opinions can offer insight, it’s important to remember that they are essentially reflections of their own perspectives, influenced by their experiences, beliefs, and biases. Their views don’t define your worth or validity.

Allowing others opinions of you to dictate how you live your life is a powerless position to put yourself in, as you surrender control over your own choices and values to the hands of others. It is impossible to feel grounded if you are constantly being swayed by the unpredictable opinions of those around you.

Uncertain About Their Thoughts, But Certain About Your Own

Truth be told, no matter what you watch online, how many books read, or how many people you speak to, you may never know what someone really thinks of you. Sure, you can ask. But chances are, these people don’t have the emotional maturity to communicate their truth with you.

You can’t make anyone change. No matter how pure your intentions are, the only way you can make someone do anything is through manipulation or coercion. Through the desperation to be accepted, you may even try to change yourself. The temporary validation may come as a relief, but eventually you will feel empty again as this approval is not really of your true self, but of the version you created in order to be accepted by them.

Unfortunately, some people will always be committed to disliking you. Your presence is a threat to the illusions they’ve created, and they don’t have capacity to change their minds about you. You can waste an enormous amount of energy to prove yourself to these individuals, but they won’t change their minds because they don’t want to like you.

Trying to argue with these people is pointless, because when you try to challenge their views they will take it as a personal attack. Their opinion of you is so rooted in their own insecurities, biases, and beliefs, that when you argue with them, they take it as a direct attack on their own identity.

This level of defensiveness makes it impossible to truly connect or hold a meaningful discussion.

You are the most permanent person in your life. So choose you, always.

The only opinion of yourself that you ever have the chance of 100% knowing is yours. Prioritising staying true to your own values and morals will aid in having a more grounded sense of self, even when others are not approving of you.

Putting yourself first may feel unfamiliar to begin with. However, as you persist on your journey of self-discovery and acceptance, you will start to learn how to love and embrace your authentic self, and the right people will too.

You should still treat everyone with kindness and respect, but this shouldn’t come at the cost of disrespecting your own boundaries in order to be approved by others.

Constantly living life in search of approval from others is so detrimental to your mental wellbeing. While changing yourself to fit the ‘norm’ may feel beneficial in the short term, you will feel so unfulfilled in the long run.

Don’t waste your energy trying to prove yourself to these people. If you have to, the safest option is to keep talking to yourself.

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