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Abstract

Commons</figcaption></figure><p id="3f9f">I know it’s hard to see Princess Kate’s body in this snap, but you know how skinny she is. It’s probably just a trick of the light that makes it appear that her head has been decapitated.</p><p id="758d">Decapitation is a thing royals used to lose sleep over, mind you. So it’s also possible that she’s having a nightmare of someone going, “Off with her head,” and this image is from her dream, but even if it is, I swear, no photoshop was used.</p><p id="9263">But what about William? Did you hear about the bruises on his eye and neck?</p><figure id="713f"><img src="https://cdn-images-1.readmedium.com/v2/resize:fit:800/1*x_aQC5Wt3-orqNm9t3qmJA.png"><figcaption><a href="https://twitter.com/duchessofpoms/status/1763236835491193231?ref_src=twsrc%5Etfw%7Ctwcamp%5Etweetembed%7Ctwterm%5E1763236835491193231%7Ctwgr%5E%7Ctwcon%5Es1_&ref_url=">Link</a></figcaption></figure><p id="2e41">It appears that someone was holding him by the neck while they punched him in the eye.</p><p id="c3d4">Now why would someone do something like that?</p><p id="0096">This is the future King of England, for cripes sake. You don’t wallop the King in the face, now do you?</p><p id="49e7">Unless…</p><p id="41aa">…well it was announced that the Prince and Princess were hosting Will Smith and Jada last month for a high tea.</p><figure id="ebfd"><img src="https://cdn-images-1.readmedium.com/v2/resize:fit:800/1*oiuEmGcW-om--bpf49-WGw.png"><figcaption></figcaption></figure><p id="842e">Is it possible that British Will made a crack about Jada’s hair? Or her boyfriends? Or about Fresh Prince Will being a cuck?</p><p id="b6f6">And Fresh Prince Will was like, I’m not having this, I don’t care who you are. You do not

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disrespect Jada.</p><p id="8802">And British Will was all like, “Hang on, man,” but it was too late. He got slapped in the eye.</p><p id="5a63">Anyow, I tried to reach Princess Kate’s office for comment on the bruises, but she was busy out performing her routine royal duties, just as usual. No story here really. Here she is at the opening of an egg factory. See, she’s so regular, she’s mucking in helping out the workers.</p><figure id="827d"><img src="https://cdn-images-1.readmedium.com/v2/resize:fit:800/1*BI8kUD8Gq9cgqPFVqWvIUw.png"><figcaption></figcaption></figure><p id="ae17">Here she is skiing with her best buddy American movie star Lana Turner:</p><figure id="3a39"><img src="https://cdn-images-1.readmedium.com/v2/resize:fit:800/1*Ecgukv8mTnNwIu02G8WZAQ.png"><figcaption></figcaption></figure><p id="c9a7">So you see, there’s nothing to worry about regarding our future queen. She’s living her best life and people who want to make a big conspiracy about everything should just leave her alone.</p><p id="0e9a">Leave Kate alone!</p> <figure id="bff4"> <div> <div> <img class="ratio" src="http://placehold.it/16x9"> <iframe class="" src="https://cdn.embedly.com/widgets/media.html?src=https%3A%2F%2Fwww.youtube.com%2Fembed%2FElXi7yDHyWo%3Ffeature%3Doembed&display_name=YouTube&url=https%3A%2F%2Fwww.youtube.com%2Fwatch%3Fv%3DElXi7yDHyWo&image=https%3A%2F%2Fi.ytimg.com%2Fvi%2FElXi7yDHyWo%2Fhqdefault.jpg&key=a19fcc184b9711e1b4764040d3dc5c07&type=text%2Fhtml&schema=youtube" allowfullscreen="" frameborder="0" height="480" width="640"> </div> </div> </figure></iframe></div></div></figure></article></body>

These Non-Photoshopped Images Prove That Kate Middleton Is Fine

And everybody needs to calm down

EDIT: Obviously that was written before Kate’s cancer diagnosis went public. You know I’m not in the business of making fun of cancer patients. My mother died of ovarian cancer when I was 13. I hate cancer. Good wishes to you Kate.

No story here. Move along, move along. Kate Middleton is fine. See, that’s her going for a fun carriage ride with her dead mother in law yesterday.

Sure, Kate admitted the other day that she photoshops some photos every now and then. It’s like a hobby. And sure, people haven’t seen her in public since she went into hospital for surgery.

I love that Britishism. I’m in hospital.

Saves you a the. Well done Brits. With that extra time you’ve saved by not saying the word “the”, you can go ahead and eat another eel and cockle.

Does anyone ever eat cockles without eels?

I’m not sure.

But anyhow, I’m a pretty good Photoshopper, and I would know if these photos had been altered or not. I think they’re pretty legit, if you ask me. The Palace just released this one of the happy royal family, aren’t they adorbs?

Ian Jones, CC BY 2.0 <https://creativecommons.org/licenses/by/2.0>, via Wikimedia Commons

I know it’s hard to see Princess Kate’s body in this snap, but you know how skinny she is. It’s probably just a trick of the light that makes it appear that her head has been decapitated.

Decapitation is a thing royals used to lose sleep over, mind you. So it’s also possible that she’s having a nightmare of someone going, “Off with her head,” and this image is from her dream, but even if it is, I swear, no photoshop was used.

But what about William? Did you hear about the bruises on his eye and neck?

It appears that someone was holding him by the neck while they punched him in the eye.

Now why would someone do something like that?

This is the future King of England, for cripes sake. You don’t wallop the King in the face, now do you?

Unless…

…well it was announced that the Prince and Princess were hosting Will Smith and Jada last month for a high tea.

Is it possible that British Will made a crack about Jada’s hair? Or her boyfriends? Or about Fresh Prince Will being a cuck?

And Fresh Prince Will was like, I’m not having this, I don’t care who you are. You do not disrespect Jada.

And British Will was all like, “Hang on, man,” but it was too late. He got slapped in the eye.

Anyow, I tried to reach Princess Kate’s office for comment on the bruises, but she was busy out performing her routine royal duties, just as usual. No story here really. Here she is at the opening of an egg factory. See, she’s so regular, she’s mucking in helping out the workers.

Here she is skiing with her best buddy American movie star Lana Turner:

So you see, there’s nothing to worry about regarding our future queen. She’s living her best life and people who want to make a big conspiracy about everything should just leave her alone.

Leave Kate alone!